4 years here but barely no friend

[caroline1999]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum and sorry for my bad English in advance!

I'm an international student from China, currently in first year uni. I've been here studying since year 10, there's only one aunty here who's part of my family that could support me. I'm not the one who's good at talking to people and making friends, studying here in a foreign land makes this much harder for me. Even though in high school there is a group of international students similar to me, but I never feel being part of them, they always have something to talk among themselves which I'm not really interested. The students born here have already divided into groups, it's impossible for me to join them and not to mention some of the Australian don't want to make friends with Asian 😞 I made a friend in my high school, but she kind of betrayed me and became best friend with another girl. For most of year 11 and 12 I was alone, did all the things alone.

Then I moved into uni, which is even harder to make any friends. I always go to classes alone, I don't know how to start conversations with people and even though I talked to some people last semester, but after the end of semester they just no longer contact me. Sometimes I'm ok with having no friend but most of the time, when I was sitting alone having lunch or study by myself while struggling, I feel depressed and hopeless.

I was just preparing for an upcoming oral presentation but I suddenly realised I didn't talk to anyone in the class, this fact makes me very sad and also embarassed about myself, that's part of the reason I suddenly went on this forum.

Additionally, I didn't talk to my family about this since they kind of reckon that such depression/anxiety won't happen to me since I'm still at a very young age, I don't have the courage to mention all of these to them, everytime I video called my parents I just tell them I'm fine with everything. The only place where I could discuss this kind of issue is online and possibly counselling at uni but uni study commitment makes me even more stressful, I don't even have time for counselling. Wish people could see this post and give me some advice 🙂 Thank you so much.

[Croix]

Dear Caroline1999~

Welcome here to the Forum and fist off let me say your English is excellent, it is no barrier to your communication in the least.

It is amazing how lonely both school and uni can be, there are tons of people around but that simply emphasizes the distance between you and them. I think there is a saying somewhere that true isolation is found in the most crowded cities.

Isolation is part circumstances and part self-perpetuation. If you have no friends for some silly reason the mind thinks it is because you do something wrong, or are less worthy or some similar means of blaming yourself. This in turn reduces your confidence to seek others out - and so it goes on.

It also means you feel more deeply if the few relationships you have come to an end.

Your family is wrong. Depression, anxiety and other illnesses are no respecters of age, and can happen to younger persons - and often do. Living and studying in a foreign country away from family is hard, and it can be easy to fall ill.

So what do you think you should do? (apart from talking here of course).

May I make some suggestions?

Firstly make time and go see a councilor or GP and see if you have a condition, such as anxiety, that needs attention.

Secondly do things that you enjoy and are good at, to both reward yourself and heighten your self-esteem. A pleasant part of each day.

Thirdly maximize the chances of meeting like-minded people, this may be through anything from drama clubs to study groups. I've no suggestions there, after all you have plenty of mental agility to sort that out.

It does not really take huge changes in life to make things better, it does happen and you can steer things in that direction.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[james1]

Hello Caroline

Welcome to the forums and also congratulations on getting into university here in Australia. It must be really hard living away from home, especially without the rest of your family except your aunt. My parents were born in Guangzhou and moved here on their own to study, so I know how hard it must be for you, even if I was born here.

Croix has made a great suggestion in making time to see a counsellor or GP. You said it is really stressful since you also have to spend lots of time studying, but actually seeing a doctor will help your grades too. After all, if you are unhappy, it is very hard to study well so time spent in counselling is actually helpful both to your happiness and to your grades.

When I went to uni, I also noticed that local students already had their own groups. Being Asian and having an accent can also make it even harder to make local friends. Do you mind if I ask if you have had a look at any clubs? Universities often have clubs for different cultures and in my own experience, once you have one or two friends, it can really help boost your confidence in meeting more people.

I hope to keep talking to you Caroline!

James

[caroline1999]

Hi Croix and Hi James,

Thank you for replying my post, I truly appreciate your replies, thank you so much for your supports and I'll start to consider going to GP and counsellors apart from the study. But for the advice of joining in clubs, I tried to join a few clubs when I was in high school, but I didn't know how to talk to people there and it already seems like they didn't want to accept me as part of the group since I didn't really talk to them, that made me feel very isolated and I don't really want to join clubs for university since I'm scared of talking to the people there especially when they all know each other very well. This struggles me a lot and makes me feel worthless again and again...

[james1]

Hello caroline,

It is no problem. It is nice to talk to you.

Ah, yes I can definitely understand that. When we have bad experiences previously, it can really make us feel even more nervous later on to the point of not wanting to do anything.

I think it is a protection strategy from our own subconscious mind. We have a really bad experience when making friends, so our mind tries to protect us from having another one by isolating ourselves.

Unfortunately, as you are probably experiencing now, the isolation also is really painful and we know we are doing it to ourselves, so we also feel worthless over and over again. This is something that I used to do a lot so I do understand how it feels.

The way i broke out of it was by challenging that protection strategy. After all, isolation isn't the solution to rejection. Finding a friend is.

But it's really hard to do this, so it's really important to have some kind of regular support.

I think the GP/counsellor are really good because they are neutral and can give you objective advice. But in addition, do you have any old/good friends from back in China? Or any family members who you feel will be supportive? I am not sure what your family is like, but while my family do not understand mental health, they understand loneliness and the difficulties with moving and making new friends. Perhaps that is a way to talk about it instead?

James