Wishing for a friend to talk to

[dragonflies]

Hi,

I feel alone. I'm 19 and I have no friends anymore. No one to confide in, trust, or share my life with. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who gets me and who I can relate to and vice versa. I find it hard trying to make friends. I dread the process of getting to know someone completely for who they are. It takes so much time and effort. I have only ever been hurt in the past after making such close friends and having them just drift away from you without a care in the world.

Does anyone feel like this too?

dragonflies

[LuLu_]

Hi dragon

i feel ungrateful and undeserving as well. I can’t be bothered either. Perhaps i am just being lazy which makes me hate myself even more. I am just not in the mood to do anything productive. I feel like I’ve never made a massive effort to get better. Even thinking about it makes me feel useless worthless and hopeless. I am tired. I just want to sit in the dark for a while. I want to just sit on a rock in a far away place and look out onto a nice view. I sometimes wish everyone in my life would forget about me so I could just be. i think the darkness is closing in again. I think I might let it. I like the darkness. It makes me feel less me

[dragonflies]

Hey Padfoot,

Ouch. Sounds like a good project though.

Family birthdays are nice. Gets everyone together for a catch up.

Nothing in particular, just random things. I haven't got a show that I'm into at the moment unfortunately. Probably a good thing because I get obsessed and can binge watch it easily, end up doing nothing. I've started watching freaks and geeks for the second time round, an old tv series with james franco, seth rogan, jason segal etc. They're all really young so it's funny to watch.

Yeah he'll get better in time. Just feel bad for him because he can't work or keep himself busy because can't walk. He's not loving the sedentary lifestyle unlike myself haha.

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu,

Yeah it gets like that. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I don't think you're a bad person at all. We encourage these feelings and in time make ourselves believe them more and more, they aren't necessarily always true. Try step back sometimes. Like - I hate myself but sometimes can catch myself tearing myself apart and then try to just let it go for the time being. I'm not in the mood either. When you have the slightest feeling of motivation, may not even seem like motivation just grab hold of it and you can encourage it. I know the feeling of saying no to absolutely everything - I do it a lot. But those times I go ahhhhh maybe ok, can make a difference.

What do you think is making an effort to get better? What effort and what do we need to do to get better? What do we need to put effort into? I was thinking this and I don't really know. I thought going to Dr and psych was putting in effort but apparently (dad says) it isn't. He tells me I'm my worst enemy. I'm the only one who can pull myself out of it and get involved. He says 'just do it'. I don't know why it seems SO hard to agree to that and to actually do something...

Last night I was sad and home alone so I played loud sad music and sat with my alcohol on the couch staring at the wall listening to music. Thats all I wanted to do. So I just let it overtake me rather then fighting it. Sometimes you can fight it off, sometimes you can just let it go. When you feel like that you don't need to give in all the time. Try yeh and no rather than just yeh I'm done.

Don't let it everytime... I know how easy it is to succumb to the dark. I find wanting to feel like myself really hard. But the only way is to work on it and accept who you are, change what you want to change about yourself so you can find what you like about yourself. Only we can do it right? What qualities do you think a likeable version of yourself would have?

What is something that you might want to do? What is something you could do when you feel like going into the darkness? I know it sounds stupid and you may think 'well absolutely nothing'. Well think yeah absolutely nothing. Then make something up. You don't have to believe it, can just be something in the back of your mind.

May I ask if you're on any medication? How often do you see psych? Does he/she help you with strategies/therapy etc or is it more of a test fest?

Hope to hear from you soon.

dragonflies

[startingnew]

hey everyone

sorry i havent been around much. spent the last 2 and abit weeks in hospital for both physical and mental health issues

how is everyone

[LuLu_]

Hi dragon

what is making it an effort to get better?

I am not sure I know the answer to that question. But i will have a go. Probably the fact that I have to confront a lot of heavy personal stuff that I’ve never really explored. Probably because there is so much hidden within me that it’s taking a while to unravel even the small things. Probably because i am not being honest with myself. And the most likely reason is the depression. Living with depression is an effort. To push through it is a horrendous effort. So I guess those are some of the things..

For me to get better I suppose is to trust my medical professionals. Take medication. Go to my appointments and work on what I have to work on.

I am sorry but I have to disagree with your dad there and I mean no disrespect. For me making an effort is attending my appointments, because I have an influential part in me that wants to cancel every appointment, stop my medication and give up.

To be truthful I think we are all our worst enemy’s. I don’t think it’s just isolated to you.

My psych describe the process of recovery like you are drowning. There are all these people around encouraging you to use your arms and your legs. They are yelling their support because they really want you to be able to swim but only you can make the decision to swim. I am not sure I 100% agree with this metaphor just because I feel like my illness does have some say in my ability to “swim”. I don’t think it’s 100% up to me. Maybe i am just trying to shift the blame and expectation because if I don’t I feel tremendously guilty and worthless.

I also don’t think you can “just do it”. If it was that easy we would all try to “just do it”. Sometimes we have to trust the medical support we have to give us the tools to eventually slowly work it out. There will be setbacks but I guess the aim is that with a helping hand we can help ourselves at the right time and in the right place. Perhaps i am wrong in saying that. Maybe I just want that to be true.

ive always wanted myself to be a picture of kindness, strength, loyalty and courage. But I’ve learnt that this can be an illusion and set you on a downward spiral when yo realise you are getting further from the person you wish to be.

i guess for me I can just take a breath and breathe for a moment.

I will continue in another post x

[LuLu_]

To answer your question about what I could do when the darkness is looming, well to be honest I don’t really want to fight it. I am sinking again and it’s welcoming. This numbness is ruining me. I need to go into a state where I don’t care for anything. Even if I don’t feel I won’t care about it and i will be oblivious. I am selfish to think like this and weak not even giving recovery a chance but I feel like I need a break. I want to say that i am done with all of it. But I already feel the judgement of my family and friends even just thinking that.

I am on medication and I see my psychologist every three to four weeks. Currently i am seeing my psychiatrist every three weeks because she’s noticed i am going down hill a bit.

With my psychologist I suppose we are trying to figure out what is fuelling my thoughts towards my life and the people in it. She gives me answers on why I might be thinking and feeling like I do. We haven’t gone through strategies as much as I’d hoped but I suppose I haven’t needed them as much until now. My psychiatrist is mostly to see how i am travelling so she can adjust my medication or assist with my parents. She helps my mum understand certain concepts and ways to handle this whole situation. She also supports my parents I suppose and reassures them.

I’ve rambled on and on and I’m so sorry. So now it’s time for you. Have you started kickboxing yet? How are you feeling in terms of being sociable or working on recovery? Are there any new people in your life?

Thank you so much for taking the time to really think about me and for offering support. I hope to hear from you soon.

lulu x

[LuLu_]

Hi starting new

Im saddened that you are unwell. I hope you find some relief soon.

Do you believe it’s all up to us to recover?

Its a concept that frightens me

sending my best wishes

lulu

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu,

Sorry I haven't been on in a couple days. Still thinking of you. I will be back to reply asap. Hopefully this evening

dragonflies x

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu, sorry for delayed reply.

I understand how it is scary to think about what you need to confront and explore. Instead of thinking of it entirely try to focus on one step at a time. Think of it like school work - if you had to learn the years content then be tested that would be extremely overwhelming. However we learn topic by topic and test regularly to consolidate then by the end we feel somewhat prepared for an exam as we have gradually progressed through. So think of one thing to confront and feel comfortable about at a time, step by step. What is one you can think of as a first step?

Why do you feel you aren't honest with yourself apart from the depression? I am beginning to tell myself depression doesn't even exist and that I 'don't have it'. I don't know why? Its made me not blame depression as much for how I am feeling

I agree. The fact that Im sitting in Drs offices and am present is me making an effort. Though after getting there the next step is to push yourself and be involved. I feel like I'm at a crossroad now where I need to choose whether I want to be depressed for the rest of my life or to say no Im choosing the other path. Scary. The psychs are there to help encourage us towards the up choice. Remind us its possible and to help as much as they can. But they can only do so much. Then I guess we need to become involved too.

You're right about the helping hand, not wrong at all. It is true. It gives us insight into things we'd never consider or let alone think of.

I don't want to fight it a lot too. I don't know why. Apart from just feeling something, do you enjoy feeling sad?

You'll be able to shift and feeling content will begin to be welcoming rather than sinking.

Keep rambling on! I'm here for you too.

[dragonflies]

On me,

I went to kickboxing once, over a month ago haha. Haven't been back. Don't care much about looking after my body right now. I've began brushing my teeth even more thoroughly, like brush, floss, brush again. Sounds silly, but for me it goes to show I care about myself in some way. Like I want my teeth to be okay in the future. That sounds so strange but yeh.

I've actually managed to chat with a girl from work. She's really lovely. Practically opposite from me - only kissed a boy, doesn't drink much, doesn't do drugs (though I don't anymore), is christian, shy, introverted and very responsible. I'm able to be confident when I want to be. But she's quite anxious and shy. So we are a strange mix but we have plenty to talk about and learn about each other. She's fine around me, feels comfortable and confident so that is good. So that has been a really positive step for me. Added something to my life. However my mind turns to thoughts such as I shouldn't put myself around her, she'd be better off without me, I'm not a good person I shouldn't be anyones friend, what if she doesn't like me or gets to know me well and thinks no thanks. So it's hard for me to open up to someone because I am so afraid of being hurt or hurting someone else as well.

In terms of working on recovery I just feel nothingness. Like I said before, I feel like I am at a crossroad and now I need to make a decision. My psych told me this and I suppose she helps me see the upside of making the good choice and tells me it is possible step by step. She has been in an extremely low point and managed to pick herself up. So she gets how hard and impossible it seems and she feels for me in that it upsets her to see where I am because she knows how horrible it is.

So I just feel lost. Avoiding a lot and feeling overwhelmed by what I will need to do. But like I said to you, take it one step at a time and it won't feel as overwhelming. Hard to take your own advice hey...

I'm just taking it all day by day. Still don't feel much motivation to add anything else into my life. I don't believe I enjoy anything or want to do anything so it's upsetting to try think of ideas because I seem to reject them all and then feel like well whats left then?

How are things on your end? Have the holidays been relaxing?

dragonflies