What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[james1]

Hey night, i'll see if your post comes through.

I hope you're okay.

James

[Kazzl]

Hi Night - it's so good to see you again, I've been thinking of you.

Mate, I understand your thoughts about death. I've had them too, to the point of staying in bed for weeks on end because it was the next best thing to not being here. I think James is spot on though when he asks what the real aim is - to end the pain or to die. And there IS a choice there.

See, the problem with desiring death to end pain is that it totally negates the future. There just isn't one, when there could have been something good ahead. I didn't act on my desire for it, and here I am many years later having lived a fulfilled life. Yes there has been pain throughout it, and there still is, but there is also learning, work, achieving, friendship, happiness, contributing to the world, things I couldn't imagine at the time.

You have no idea what lies ahead my friend - and you are extraordinarily smart, insightful and capable. Your potential future is great.

Are you just about finished school for the year? Any thoughts about what to do in the holidays?

Cheers mate

Kaz

[Night]

Hi James,

On my end it looks like it's come through, though correct me if I'm wrong.

Hope you're doing well,

-Night

[blondguy]

Hi Night

just thanking you for being part of the family here...seriously 🙂

we are more than here for you

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Thanks for your post. I wish staying in bed for weeks on end was a choice, but society dictates otherwise. Every day, wake up early, go to school, go home repeat. Since my past has been horrible, why should I think my future will be any different? Yes there could be something good, but it's unlikely. Why should anything change? I'm glad to hear that you believe you've lived a fulfilling life and wish I could say the same.

I think I have three weeks left before school ends for the year. It's so confusing with the way my school ends an academic year a term before the calendar year finishes. It feels like we should just have a short two weeks break, rather than a six or seven week break with Christmas in the middle.

As far as what I'll do on the holidays, I'm not sure. I probably won't go out with friends, a) because I don't enjoy it, and b) because it's still weird being two years younger than most of my friends, and having known them for the least time. I'll probably just sit at home and play video games, as I have nothing better to do.

Thanks again,

-Night

[james1]

Hey Night,

Ah yes, I missed it somehow 😕

I don't think it's a bad choice, just a sad choice. Sad for you to have no hope for a better future, and sad for us to know that you were struggling so much. I agree - if there are no other solutions, it would seem to make sense. But, to be blunt, what if you're wrong? What if there are other solutions? As Kaz rightly said, you and I really have no idea what the future holds. I don't think there's really an answer to that question...more just an open ended question to think about.

That upgrade sounds like it's greatly needed 😛 I've got an ivy bridge i5 at the moment but I don't remember which one. Will you be getting any games in the steam sales? They're usually pretty good!

Haha I've been playing GH Metallica recently. They're so demoralising on expert. I can get through like 4-5 minutes of it, then lose instantly when it hits the solos. Doesn't help that my pinky feels like it wants to fall off in the longer songs!

James

[Kazzl]

Hi Night

Why should anything change? Well, why shouldn't it? Change is one of the few certainties in life. Things always change. There are times we can't believe that, or can't see how things can change for the better, but they can and do. And, we can make choices about how we influence and/or respond to change (eg we can choose what we believe which in turn affects the impact change can have on us).

We can also decide to look for the positives in life (they are there), and make them our focus. The more we think, act and focus on positives, the stronger they become in our brain and the weeker the negatives (because our brains respond to stimuli and constantly change). It takes work mate, and courage and commitment, but it is possible.

There's a lot of stuff on the internet about therapeutic ways to help yourself (mindfulness, cognitive behavioural therapy, neuroplasticity etc). How about a holiday research project? Knowledge is our friend. I'd love to discuss that sort of stuff with you.

Cheers

Kaz

[Night]

Hi James,

Sorry for the delay on this response. I've had a really stressful week and haven't been in a great place. To be honest, I'm still really stressed. On Monday our school informed us of a year 11 student's death. Though I didn't know him, this came as a blow, as it reminded me too heavily of my old friend's suicide. Also seeing people upset upset me. Needless to say I've been very distracted/ upset, though I haven't wanted to say anything because no one knows of my old friend's death. It hasn't helped that I have an English assignment due soon and a very uncaring teacher. I have been so unable to keep on task and my usual procrastination hasn't helped. I normally put things off until the last minute, but when I get started I finish assignments in one sitting. With this one, I have stared at a blank screen for hours unable to think.

I agree that it is sad to even consider suicide. But if no one cares, who is saddened by it? If there are other solutions, they only postpone or numb more pain.

I probably won' the get any steam games, but will rather save for further upgrades for my PC. I am thinking about a GTX960 in a few months time.

I am currently running through GH3 trying to 100% every song. I'm about a quarter of the way through and have been playing 'Through The Fire And The Flames' a lot. Due to the high speeds of the solos (particularly the intro), I play half the notes with my left hand and tap the rest of the frets with my right hand. Do you play with hyper speed enabled? I find playing with Hyperspeed 5 so much easier, as the spacing between notes becomes more prominent.

Sorry again for the delay,

-Night

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Sorey for the delay on this response. I mentioned why in my post to James.

I agree that things always change, but some things don't. Why would something change if it's been a certain way for ages and has no reason to change? Again, while there are positives in life, in my opinion, there are a lot more negatives.

Sorry for the short reply, I am getting very tired and my attention span has almost disappeared as I haven't been sleeping well.

-Night

[Kazzl]

Hi Night - I'm so sorry to hear of the death at your school. No wonder you've been stressed this week and not sleeping.

Hope you got through your assignment and other work and can rest this weekend. I'm glad you see some positives in your life. Try to focus on making the most of them mate - positives have a habit of multiplying over time if you pay them a lot of attention.

Take care Night - hope the sleeping improves.

Kaz