This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

amber that is right and we are all legends here, on this thread and the forum. people trying to face problems and help others and ourselves. Every post I read inspires me.

[asdff]

Thank you Quirky they were the words I needed to hear today.

[quirkywords]

asdff , I think that sometimes we spend time apologizing for not being well. while we ignore or the things we manage to do, work paud or unpaid, manage households, look after elderly relatives, keep in touch with many friends and family, listening to others and being so kind and compassionate.

[asdff]

Quirky again, you are saying words I needed to hear. Thank you beautiful online friend.

[wail]

Do you know the way to San Jose?

I'm going back to find.

some peace of mind in San Jose.

Feeling springtime is close and my biorhythm is changing, having flash backs of my past horrendous actions. Bipolar for me is like living in a minefield. Good good good ok alright good good BOOM really really bad. I have started using boppy 60's music to feel better. Both me and my partner have bipolar2 so it takes massive effort to stay stable. Fun to post here and good to to read your posts. Cheers Minnie

[quirkywords]

Wail.

I can relate to flashback of past horrendous actions too well. I am still feeling guilty and made to feel guilty for something that happened over 4 decades ago. I used think think high was good and ok then I realised all my chaos and bad behaviour happened when high.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

i am wondering how everyone is going. On the first post if this long thread there is an analogy comparing an elevator to our moods. I am wondering where everyone is.
I know we may have our own metaphors so if you don’t relate to the elevator you may share your own.

I have reposted it here. it was written by Kazzl the starter of this thread.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.
Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.
Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.
Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope
Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Sometime I have felt like going up in a lift. Today I feel the lift has stopped between lower ground and ground. Not wonderful but a bit tired and unmotivated.

Remember we are coping with a lot and our sensitivity is not a weakness but a strength.
Quirky

[Airies]

I’m going down lower ground floor and I’m stuck somewhere, I’m emotionally numb , i hate it , I really do, the inability to cry when I should, I might shed a tear .. I am angry but I don’t show it but will blow up . I am really really pissed for want of a better word of hearing about COVID , people I see not wearing masks and so on.
For the last few days lots of emotional eating as you see my stepfather, the man who lovingly took on a whole family as his own when I was 2, worked 7 days a week to make sure there was food on the table has passed. I am so glad I had the opportunity to see him again a number of years ago when we cruised. I could go on but it would be a rant. Yesterday I toyed with the idea of coming off my meds. I just don’t know. We get our second injection in a few days, so please vaccinate when eligible. This is a cruel cruel disease. My stepfather fought for for 4 months and my brother had to make 4 applications and engage a lawyer to get there in the end .

[velvetfaerie]

Kind of flat. Sad. Med adjusting still but I think my flat and sad come from being alone again. Man is off to work. After 3 days agonising about what was best for the pooch we facilitated a meet and transfer with another couple. It was decided this due to the doggo being super sooky and people orientad and they said they work from home. The whole thing was a done deal before they even met the dog which stunk to me. She has some quirks which we worked on and got under control.

The house is empty. I'm alone. I'm sad. Friends focus on themselves... so I am too and I refuse to fill their cup from mine which is empty. They're never there for me.

First covid jab yesterday. I'm fine. Maybe just a little sleepy. Slept 10hrs last night from it.

Thinking of everyone in lockdown and other sad circumstances. Dealing with things and stuff. Thinking of you.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Airies, 

We’re sorry to hear of your loss, this must be an exceptionally difficult time, and we want you to know that there are places to reach out to while processing all of this. This forum is one of them, and we’re so, so glad you could share this in this space. As you know, the community is here for you, and some of its members can relate to what you’re going through. We hope their words and understanding bring you some comfort. 

We'd recommend talking to Griefline on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day). You can also call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. The kind and supportive counsellors there would be happy to talk things through with you, and are also available on webchat here. 

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing here.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M