This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Anastasia V]

Hi everyone, I am new to the Beyond Blue community...

No doubt that Lockdown is getting really tough and exhausting us mentally. But I just wanted to say how beautiful I find it that this forum is a place to not just air the frustrations that we are feeling but provide comfort, support and hope to each other. As a typically "mentally healthy" person myself, I am even finding this current life circumstance so difficult that we find ourselves in (being in and out of lockdown with uncertainty everywhere), but I know the added stress that mood disorders like bipolar are adding.

A close of mine has just recently been diagnosed with bipolar and has been super open with me about how it affects her life. I see how much it excacerbates difficulties In her daily routine, let alone when in lockdown. I just wanted to say hi to everyone and affirm that your struggles are recognised and acknowledged, even from those who may not be able to directly relate.

But better days are ahead, and collectively we will get through this. Sending as much virtual love, strength and hope as possible.

[asdff]

Anastasia lockdown is how I feel everyday. The pressures and stresses of are we going to be in lockdown? Where can we travel? Check in with your app, wear a mask. That is how Bipolar type 2 feels for me. Uncertainty everyday. Not nothing if it’s going to be a good day or a sh!t day. Plus hats off to you for supporting your friend. We all wish a friend or family member would look up how it feels for a bipolar person. Believe me, it’s terrible. It’s the depths of hell and yet we live to fight another day.

[quirkywords]

velvet

your virus sounds horrible but am pleased things are on the up. Your posts are always most welcome here.

Yay for the foster dog, was the the first one you looked at?

Anastasia welcome to the forum and welcome to this thread,

what a good friend you are, that is so caring of you. Like asdff I have had no one who has been that understanding.

Feel free to post here whenever you like. You can ask questions or just say hi.

[Airies]

Anastasia, your friend is fortunate to have such an understanding and compassionate friend . indicative of the close bond as she has opened up to you.You have no idea how important that is. For my own well being my friend group is very small but that’s ok. To be quite honest I can’t recall whether I’ve told them I’m bipolar. They know I’m not quite right and my hospital admissions over the last number of years have been for something.

Velvet, I knew it wasn’t directed at us. It’s nice when you post. Hey you finally got a dog. Onwards and upwards. Pets are the best medicine. Sounds like you’ve been through the mill. Look after yourself . You are a good egg.

[Airies]

Wail, welcome I’d love to try weight watchers but good on you for giving it a go and having the discipline. I like food a bit to much as well.
Quirky I use an app. Log my food. I’ve been so crook the last week. Yesterday all I could eat was toast. Today on the mend.

How are you doing? I’ve discovered films on YouTube. Stems from watching docos on Grace Kelly and Steve McQueen.

Asdff and Lisa how are you doing ?

[asdff]

Hi Velvet, Nice do have you back. I hope the virus is gone.

Airies, okay. Not great but I’m still here.

[amberlite]

Hello and thankyou ASDFF you description of your bipolar experience is enlightening to me. I myself have autism a different sort of energy that creeps around and rarely takes a brake. I envy you guys having found each other for support and the freedom to be as you were made. By envy I mean: that I am sad that there is no 'autism life' historically when 'we' congregate together it fizzes out, I can't explain all I know is that I enjoy people different from me. Here in the virtual dimension I can use my recall of words and take the time to be or appear fluent. But if we spoke on the phone I would sound robotic and if you met me You would notice my lack of facial movement and my monosyllable language. That is why I prefer people different to me I sort of depend on others anything that stimulates my brain is good. And sometimes people get annoyed by my coldness this I can't do anything about, usually it takes me ages to even conceive foreign perspectives from mine. I am talking years before I can say Ah that's why? Ah now I get the fuss? and in that time the damage is done and I am burnt. Less feelings does not make the game of life easier rather more confusing. I never spoke till I was 12 and look at me now, enough about me. I enjoy reading this thread it is one continuous loop of hope. thanks & bye

[asdff]

Hello Amberlite, Thanks for posting. I feel if we could take our bipolar part of feeling everything and your autism part of coldness/not feeling much we would have the perfect balance. I think this is what”normal “ people feel. They feel a little, they don’t let feelings rule their daily life.

Hi Quirky, I don’t think I’ve said hello to you today.

Lisa and Airies my psychologist was talking about me finding a support group.

[quirkywords]

AmBerliner

welcome and thanks for your post,

I used to teach children with autism and I have a friend with autism.
Hello Lisa Asdff and Aries Velvet, Wail and everyone reading .

[velvetfaerie]

Doggo needed urgent placement 2 weeks ago. I had 2 breakdowns that week due to lack of my own confidence and feeling so sad for what the dog had endured. She's impeccably behaved. Even the quirks are hilarious. The male fear aggression was hard but we got there. She's clearly been mistreated by a man. Patience and understanding of dog "language" got her good with the man.

Virus yeh the lagging fatigue now. Man thing is getting it hahaha. After his efforts the last week I have zero sympathy.

I commenced traditional meds for adhd just over a week ago........ I'm calmer. Less reactive and cranky. Can focus and prioritise better. Sleeping better than I have in living memory. They'll no doubt need fine tuning a bit over the next few weeks. Also the burnout is a thing too. So I guess I was misdiagnosed years ago!!! Time will tell.

So much the last few weeks but ya know... I've taken things in my stride now that I normally wouldn't.

I have to go back and read your updates!!!