This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I am falling asleep. I am ok. I'm traumatised at the moment though. I came here to BB to learn how to manage these feelings. So here I am. Lol.

Home burglary attempt we watched live on our CCTV from our perspective work places until the germ removed the fuse box. Still got footage because of backup power. We were cased last week I believe. Got that on camera too.

Long story short he didn't get in. I'm sad my bird was traumatised. My neighbours are absolute legends. All my friends were helpful and supportive. Above and beyond. I am tearing up writing this because they were all so kind. They restored my faith when I needed it most. Forensics man was lovely.

I feel so violated and alone and unsafe in my only safe place. I'm in survival mode. On edge. Angry. Scared. Tired.

Then lockdown. Essential staff & working. Not sure whether to laugh or cry lol.

I am glad to see you are all going ok even if with speed bumps in the road just as I'm enduring. Will it ever end?

[Sophie_M]

Dear velvetfaerie,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.
(Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you.) only add this part if sending priavte reply - if not delete it)
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Velvetfaerie,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry about what has happened to you. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming and scary . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Velvetfaerie,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry about what has happened to you. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming and scary . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Velvetfaerie,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry about what has happened to you. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming and scary . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[velvetfaerie]

Hi Sophie.

I was going to call last night but I got there. Off to work now and it's hard to leave. However, any port in a storm right?

I may call later though if things get tough with these feelings.

Be good. Enjoy coffee. Stay warm. Stay safe everyone.

[quirkywords]

Velvet

so sorry you have experienced such overwhelming problems. I am glad your friends were there to support you.
Hope work is safe and uneventful. my thoughts are with you.

[Jazz and Blues]

Hi Lisa611,

How did your discharge go? Leaving hospital can bring up lots of different emotions for people. It is important to express these and to share with others any fears or worries.

When I have returned to study or work in the past, I have shared your concerns about stigma. You are taking a positive step by seeing the principal to express these concerns. Many of us who have been admitted to hospital have experienced a fear of what others may think or say about us when we return to our usual roles.

I can only speak to my own experiences, but I have often found my fear of stigma was often a degree of self-stigma and internalised feelings of shame and guilt about being in hospital. These are normal experiences, but they can be difficult to tolerate. Have you experienced this at all? It can be useful to explore these with your psych if you have

Best of luck for your ongoing recovery and please keep in touch on the forums.

[quirkywords]

Jazz and blues

Thank you for informative and thoughtful post.

“I can only speak to my own experiences, but I have often found my fear of stigma was often a degree of self-stigma and internalised feelings of shame and guilt about being in hospital. These are normal experiences, but they can be difficult to tolerate. Have you experienced this at all? It can be useful to explore these with your psych if you have.”

I found this paragraph so intriguing and thought provoking. On one level I have worried about what others think and I used to feel shame and kept my feelings to myself. On the other hand stigma is real in the workforce and sone professions more than others.

When I started telling my story to others as a speaker I found I was less worried about the stigma but in a workplace that is a different context.

Jazz and blues thanks for expressing your thoughts which I am still thinking about.

I look forward to reading more of your posts t on this and other threads.

[asdff]

Oh Velvet that is awful.I’m sorry you and your partner experienced this. Please keep coming online and sharing. We have missed you.

Lisa, I’m glad you are out. Do you have a school psych you can talk to?

Nits made me super paranoid. They sound easy to deal with but are not and give a family more work.

Who knows when we will come out of lockdown?