This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

Hi Quirky and everyone else, I actually did see my Mum. Not on Mother's Day but Friday she came to my house and stayed the night. That hasn't happened in years. She used to stay when my kids were little. Then her life got really busy and complicated. It was nice to have some one on one, while my kids were at school.

We saw in laws for a few Birthdays and Mother's Day. It was a relaxing day. Of course not without drama. Daughter likes to take her ange out on me. I saw it at children's sport the other day. Kids like to take their anger out on their parents. If a person on the street spoke to me the way my kids sometimes do. They would get a mouthful. I do pull my kids in. I just think they don't respect adults/authority figures in the same way, I used to. I guess I was brought up when you would get a smack if you were rude or disrectpectul. No smacking these days. I have to come up with creative punishments and I follow through. I've seen other parents say you will be without this and that. Then because it's easier give into to the child. They aren't dumb, they will walk all over you, if you never follow through with your threats.

[quirkywords]

Asdff someone told me my children speak tome because the know I love them unconditionally. They can erase and ridicule me as I will take it,

so pleased your mum stayed the night.

[Lisa611]

Asdff totally agree with following through with punishment. I remember when my girls were in their teens and having to think of consequences when they did something. The first time my eldest truanted school she got caught and my youngest got caught with alcohol at a school disco. The teen years are the worst. Am glad that's all behind me. I use to ground them or take away their phone. It was harder with my youngest who at the time was seeing a psych. The psych would act as a mediator between us. I would encourage them to bring their friends home so I could see who they were hanging out with. It was hard going through their teens on my own. When they first got boyfriends was a whole different ball game. I'm glad we got through those years and that they are now adults. Raising kids is hard and their is no right or wrong way. I'm just happy my girls turned out okay.

[asdff]

I think if my brain had a tracker for thoughts like a pedometer does for steps, I would be off the charts. So much time is spent in my head, it’s such a waste. I feel I waste so time thinking. Thinking about situations, thinking about the future. It’s exhausting.

When you feel energised whether it’s hypomanic, manic or in between. Do you dress with more colour or wear different clothes? I do. If I am down I will wear more black, whites and beige. When I am hypomanic it’s colour and patterns. Even more accessories. It’s odd to me and I am me.

[Lisa611]

When I'm manic I dress differently. More artsy or bohemian I'd say. I wear alot more jewellery. When I'm in a depression I don't care what I wear but I don't wear lots of colour.

When I'm manic my personality also changes. I become more outspoken and I make decisions that I usually wouldn't make. I spend lots more money. I also become more creative. Last time I was manic I took alot of different types of photos and wrote poetry. I ended up in hospital for a few weeks. When I'm manic if left untreated I become delusional. I get really sick. At the moment I'm seeing my psych every 2 weeks. He said he wanted to keep a close eye on me because he was concerned that I could become manic. I was seeing him weekly whilst I was changing AD. I suffer more with depression and anxiety than I do with mania. If I'm having a manic episode it usually means I'm getting sick. Usually I'm the last person to realise that I'm sick and need to be in hospital.

I accept that I have BP 1 and that I will need to be on medication forever. I know that ongoing high levels of stress is no good for me as it can trigger an episode. My last manic episode was 6 years ago.

[asdff]

Thank you for your response Lisa. I know when I am hypomanic, well I am starting to become better at picking it. I know I am batsh$t crazy. I just try to not let it show too much. The older I get the harder it is to contain. I look at some of the symptoms of ADHD and they are so similar to Bipolar. Both types jump from project to project. We get distracted easily. We experience mood swings. For me, the projects part is exhausting. Why can’t we just be good at something and stick to it? I’m not good at anything. I think I could try that and then suck at it. It’s a waste of time, money, effort. Then I have to sell the crap I bought to try and be good at something.

[quirkywords]

asdff my brain is like yours never stops.

Lisa when I gave community talks about bipolar I said I had two wardrobes, saint and sinner.

Saint was when down, all greys covered head to toe, very bland and respectable, when high, very colourful very revealing( this was when i in my teens and 20s and my high outfits were about 3 sizes lower than my saint outfits as i ate as so much bigger when depressed so literally two wardrobes!!

I am pretty tired visiting here.

I hope everyone is ok.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

i am trying to care for partner while not getting overwhelmed and tired.

[Lisa611]

Quirky I hope you have found some time to have a rest.

I hope everyone has had a good start to their week.

Had a busy work day today. We have to do mandatory training like in first aid, code of conduct and stuff like that. I had to do a first aid course today. It was all online and you had to do quizzes to move on to the next bit. You had to get all the questions right. All up it took about 2hrs. Am lucky I've never been in a situation where I've had to use the training. To be honest I'm not sure how I would react in a real life emergency situation. I did assist with first aid at a car accident once but there was a nurse there as well. How do you think you'd react? I'd like to think I would be calm. I'd hope the training would kick in. Are you good in a crisis? My anxiety immediately goes through the roof if it's family related especially if it involves my kids. I can't say I'm the most together person when it comes down to it. I'm not someone who immediately takes control of a situation.

[quirkywords]

Lisa , I did first aid training and when I was working with neeeds children I had to stop a child from choking. I was not alone but it was scary.