This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

One medication I was on made me a zombie and made me crave alcohol. I had zero emotions for a few years. I don't even think I cried. I gained heaps of weight. It also kept stopping working every few months as well. I had about 4 or even more increases on that medication to beyond the ceiling dose.

Another one made me feel like I was on amphetamines.

I don't like the medication. But that's me. I do on the rare occasion need sedating though, but, I use OTC things as Drs annoy me for the most part. I don't like feeling a part of an experiment. Or a part of legal drug pushing. Again, that's me.

I have seen another psychiatrist who didn't listen to a word I said and wrote up a script for 3 medications. I was far from impressed. Caring profession - I at times wonder what kick backs these doctors get.

V.

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

I'm still new to meds so can't really comment on much, but the meds I am on are a pretty low dose... according to my psychiatrist 'slightly more than a homeopathic dose'. I sometimes think a bit too low, I still do feel things much the same as before, just not as drastic. The meds have just taken the edge off things, I feel that I am a bit more in control of my mood. If that makes any sense? I did say to my psychiatrist that I didn't want to be medicated up to my eyeballs, so she's taking the slow and steady approach.

Velvet, if you're a hockey player you'd be a natural at soccer - the positional play is much the same. All of the ex-hockey players I've played with have had a good brain for it. And they have all been fearless! Best goalkeeper I ever played with was a hockey keeper. You should get back into it - great exercise and I love the socialising with other like-minded women (no blokes!). I've made some great friends from playing soccer.

Quirky, yes I shouldn't speak too soon re: not gaining weight. My metabolism appears to be quite good at the moment and my meds don't seem to have changed anything - but I know all of that can - and probably will - change over time!

Tams

[velvetfaerie]

I like holding a weapon though aHAHHAHAHAAaa

[quirkywords]

Hello all

I am lucky that I have only ever been on one medication and its only side effect is weight gain frequent urination.

V what is OTC?

Tams it sounds like your doctor listens. As I said I am lucky to have only ever had one medication and it worked.

Loula, I am sorry everything hurts today did it hurt last week?

Massive emotions are very difficult and I feel everything more that my partner seems to.

Quirky

[Loula]

I’ve been hurting for months. I’m so over it! I’m done!

[velvetfaerie]

OTC - over the counter

[Airies]

Re weight gain, mine fluctuates all the time. With the meds it's one of the side effects and I'm on quite a ccktail of meds.its left me emotionally numb. I can't cry at all. I used to see saw all the time even with the meds. Passages of time, countless courses, hospital admission when need be have made a huge difference. Personally I think this s as good as I'm going to get. My psych says I'm socially withdrawn or isolated but what's the matter with that? I'd rather chat here ...

cheers

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

V thanks I get confused from all the acronyms.

Loula, I am sorry you have been hurting for months.

I really like the honesty of your posts and I find your determination inspiring. you can do it.

Aries,I spend time on this forum, well quite a bit as like being around people who understand me. I am no good at social chit chat. I have been called a hermit.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Quirky, Airies,

I like to chat here too, I don’t know anyone with Bipolar... my ‘problem’ friend has another Bipolar friend (lucky her - she’s friends with two! 😂) but I haven’t managed to cross paths with her friend yet... I’d love to, just for the chat, but I don’t want to force the issue... might be a bit awkward?

Anyway, re: being socially withdrawn or isolated, sometimes I’m tempted to be, but I’m managing not to at the moment.... I do cancel the occasional plan, but that’s usually because I’ve gone mad making plans without properly considering the logistics of everything and my likely energy levels...

Loula - don’t give up! Just vent here, say what you like, we will listen - keep on going!

Tams

[Loula]

Hey guys. Oh those zombie pills are the worse!!!!!! I hate them!!!!! Then I’ve been on others that literally stop me feeling a full emotion. Then I found something that worked and boom it’s gone 😞

I think my weight gain is due to meds and depression sad eating and doing nothing.

I tried to be good tonight and socialise with girls from work. Within 5 mins I was nearly in tears! I felt so alone. I felt so not like any of them. I felt small. I felt not good enough. They where all screaming and laughing and I’m trying to be polite. I finished my meal and left. All I want is a group of friends and to be able to laugh. When I walk past that I get sad and want it badly and when I get a chance to do it I can’t. Bad Dad and now my dad is coming to visit me next week. High chance I’m going to break break.