This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

hello everyone and waves to everyone struggling,

loula,

I am sorry you are not liking anything.

i suppose your husband and doctor want you to be well before thinking about a baby. I realise that is so frustrating for you at the moment trying to get your medication and moods worked out to achieve a balance.

Keep posting here and expressing yourself. We are here for you.

Quirky

[Loula]

I’m just over it. I don’t feel human anymore.

[Tams20]

Loula,

I really feel your frustration, my situation is different but I still often think that I was better (certainly happier and seemingly more stable) before I started down the path of seeking help for anxiety and depression... it's like the ADs made me into a different person with Bipolar and even now that I am completely off them I still can't get back to how I was. The mood stabilisers seem to be getting me close but I'm still not right.

I don't know who I am any more. I almost completely destroyed a friendship the other day, I was on an early train on my way to work feeling tired and I didn't like the flippant way my friend ditched our plans to catch up for coffee. So I fired back a really nasty message to her... 24hrs later I was backpedalling furiously and asking for forgiveness. I would never have retaliated like that before, I would have been a bit angry at her but I wouldn't have sent that kind of message. I really hate myself for that. In my mind for a split second I thought my life would be easier if she hated me and we weren't friends. So stupid. I'm now having to tread really carefully to try to salvage our friendship, it's all become quite stressful. I'm trying to leave her alone to give her a break and at the same time have some contact so I can gauge whether we are OK or not. Maybe I should have just let her hate me.

I don't think I'm good at close friendships, clearly I don't know how to behave. I'm a great casual friend, but anything more than that and I start to lose it. I'm not good at relationships either. I think I'm destined to live alone with a dozen cats.

Anyway I just wanted to say 'I hear you'.

Tams

[Loula]

Friendships come and go. You are lucky if you count your real friends on one hand. Gosh I sound old!

When I was diagnosed I lost more then half my friends. Half they couldn’t be bothered and that hurt my feelings so much being rejected and the second half when I started stabalsing and understating the person I am I let got of friendships due to the fact there values didn’t line up or I just knew it was unhealthy relationship and no to that!

Your true friends will stick we you even through the episodes. One thing I did was for the ones who knew and are my closest I sent them a txt with links outlining my behaviour and how to look after them self with a friend with bipolar and my mums/ husband details as I need them in my support group and if they see dangerous activity they know who to call.

Your not a band person for blowing up. Far from it. And you deserve to be loved from your friends and actually have close relationships. For me though it took years to let people fully in because I’m scared. But at my birthday I said a speech saying thank you so much for putting up with me I know I’m a lot to handle. Then my mate came up and said you keep telling people thank you for putting up with you and we are like putting up with what. We love you for you and your the one that has to put up with us and our issues and your there 24/7

As much as I’m pro being a cat lady I believe everyone will find someone who loves them for who they.

Unfortunently not doing any better and way worse and all 3 doctors want me to start new medication and I don’t need it. I’m way better then that.

[quirkywords]

Greetings to all,

Tams and Loula, friendships and moodswings can be tricky. I used to spend my whole time apologising for something I said being misinterpreted or for me overreacting to something others said.

Relationships are very complicated for most people but we need more understanding at times. I used to get people saying why can not you just endeavour to think before yours speak or reflect on the consequences of sending someone a long letter or email.

As you point out Tams , a mere 15 secs of impulsive reaction can hc age a relationship forever.

Loula I hope thinS work out well for you.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

Diving in to say hi. Been a while. Yes mood issues and relationships can be tricky.

I usually just get fed up with people and their crud.

Rather stick to myself and those who I love and support and vice versa. Mutual understanding and value.

[Loula]

I just want a baby! I don’t want to be on medication, I’m healthy and done. I don’t need all these medications! It’s a lie!!! I’m successful but unique. All my family and friends are pushing drugs down my throat but no. Im not taking them anymore!

[Airies]

Hi folks,

been a while for me too. I'd be up the creek without my meds. (10 tablets, various concoctions). Not excercising, eating wrong, making wrong choices. Moving house and that's stressful in its own way. 30+ years in the 1 house and never moved. It's amaysing how

much crap you accumulate. It's gonna be worth it in the end. As for people, only a select few are allowed. Yet I used to be such a cregarious person. Not so now.

cheers

[quirkywords]

Hello to everyone reading,

Everyone is welcome here to read, post ask questions or just say hello I am here.

Velvet, welcome back, great to read your name. I agree mutual understanding and value are important.

Loula, is there a doctor you can talk to . I can feel you are fed up with everything . Keep posting.

Quirky

[Loula]

I’ve talked to 3 doctors. GP, physiologists and physiatrist. Everyone of them says NO! But they are not listing. They are saying it’s not a good time because I’m apparently ill. But when it comes to having children there is never a good time. Your never going to have your eggs ladies up in order like house and money zero fear. You just need to jump in.

All of them and everyone is saying take your medication. But I don’t want to be controlled by medication. They are doctors all they do is give drugs. I want to be heard. And I keep saying that but nope they keep trying to tell me I’m going to destroy my life on highs and lows and that the meds make me the real me but my illness I was born with so it’s ghe real me.

Sorry if I sound repeative but I’m feeling really alone and that not one person gets how I’m feeling because unlike this page I know no one with bipolar and if you don’t have it how do you know it feels like? But then again is it such a bad thing to have and shouldn’t I just let to be me.