This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Greetings and smiles to all,

Tams,

Just write down what suits you. I know some people who do a 1 to 10 code for moods, or people draw smiles, or frowns for mood. Depends want you to know- do you what to know if your moods change through the day, do you want to know how long your different moods last for, do you want to know if your moods increase in intensity . Some people colour side them really it is just for you get into that you can interpret.

I have been trying to be self aware for over 40 years and sometimes I realise I have very little self knowledge in one instant.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Quirky (and everyone else),

I found an app that I can use to track my moods, for each entry I can add notes, a photo, hashtags etc (I’m a bit old for them) and it even shows the moods as colours on a map.... anyway tracked my moods throughout the day and it was a bit of a roller coaster ride - yikes!

Will keep it up and see if there are any patterns.

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Tams, Now you tell me there is an app, I had the pen paper idea years ago but being old and untechnical never thought of making it into an app.

I must remember to mention the app so I cover all age groups!!

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Everyone,

Im so disheartened atm. 8 days Ive been "normal" I'll call it, today day 9 ,the overwhelming sadness got me again. Is that all I'm going to get this time... I'm so hoping it's only one day, Geez this is so not good, can't go through another episode already surely..I've got to have more then 8 days.. I suppose tomorrow will let me know..

Grandy...

[Tams20]

Hi Grandy,

That was me on Friday night... I’d had such a good week and then - BAM - it hit me when I was on the train on my way home from work. Thankfully didn’t last long, was hard to get out of bed Saturday but once I was up and about I started to feel better.

Hopefully yours won’t last long either. The only advice I can give is some that was given to me on my thread... White Rose shared this poem by Judy Brown with me, as it had helped her through tough times:

Trough

There is a trough in waves,
a low spot
where horizon disappears
and only sky
and water
are our company.

And there we lose our way
unless we rest,
knowing the wave will bring us
to its crest again.

There we may drown
if we let fear
hold us within its grip and shake us
side to side
and lead us flailing, torn, disoriented.

But if we rest there
in the trough,
in silence,
being with
the low part of the wave,
keeping our energy and
noticing the shape of things,
the flow,
then time alone
will bring us to another
place
where we can see
horizon, see the land again,
regain our sense
of where
we are,
and when we need to swim

... she encouraged me to rest in the trough and wait until I can see the horizon again... I’m not normally into poems but I love this one!

Look after yourself...

Tams

[Issi]

Hi Everyone

Tams, going back to knowing what’s you and what’s your illness. I think if you look back at your actions you will pick which is which. It may take a day or two to come to you but you will work it out.

When I have mixed feelings/thoughts/moods I head to the beach no matter what the weather. It allows me to sit or walk where I can sort things out in my head. It balances me.

Maybe you need to find that place to reset your thoughts.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

Grandy that is disappointing and remember cycles can and do change. How do you feel today. ?

Tams

Thanks for sharing the poem.

Issi, that is a good suggestion for finding that place, form it is a place surrounded my books.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Grandy,

You’re not alone - I’m down there with you today. After 4 good days I feel awful again. Triggered by something on social media. Stupid. I have such thin skin these days.

Counting down the hours until I see my Psych tomorrow, this just isn’t right.

Tams

[Ggrand]

Hello Tams,

Im really sorry hun, that your down as well as me..

It really does annoy me how quickly we sink..Unbelievable really..One minute okay, then the next....hard to get back to where we/I was before...very disappointed in myself, I should be able to get back up, why can't we go up just as quickly as we go down..There has to be a way to..

Grandy

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

Grandy and Tams,

Yes it is annoying going down quickly. For some people there are very subtle signs that one is going up or down and it differs from person to person.

For years I would say one day I was up the next down for many weeks the one day down next up- this pattern did vary of course. Finally I saw I sometimes did get a sign maybe a couple for days before that I was going up or down. It may simply have been a smile when down or going a bit slower when up.

Tams and Grandy, you are in very early days and it will be frustrating but hopefully you will see a pattern but if not it sometimes is easier to accept than fight the swings for years like I did and I ended up a very angry person at times.

Keep on talking and helping each other and lots of people.

kind thoughts to everyone

Quirky