This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Ggrand]

Hello Tams, and everyone,

Im pleased you friend understood Tams, she sounds really nice.

I don't so much as look back on my life, it kind of just jumps into my thoughts an awful lot, and drags me down vey quickly, but I'm trying to focus and move forward. I think that's the best we can do.

Grandy

[quirkywords]

Hello Tams, Grandy, Chloe and everyone reading and thinking,

Tams I am sorry you feel as you are going down. Look after yourself.

Grandy, you have good advice -try to focus and move forward. I try hard to do that but the past can be very manipulative and catch us by surprise.

I feel my moods my past and my impulsiveness can all catch me unawares . I find I am on anever ending journey but I am prepared for the unexpected instead of being surprised by them.

Grandy such a pleasure to see your name on this thread and it is great to have the input from people when you feel like contributing. I hope Kazzl would be pleased what she started and developed is still going.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for the lovely welcome. It's good to have found this thread, I will try the diary, that way I might be able to work out my cycles and be ready for the next one..Thank you for that idea..

Im curious how long between episodes and how much in a time frame they will be..I will start my diary tomorrow, I know it's been 4 days since I started feeling meh and not down, so I'll back date it 4 days back..Haha, I'll be better ready next time..

Grandy.

[Issi]

Welcome Grandy and Hello to all the regulars,

In regards to time in between cycles everyone is different and each cycle is different, well that’s what I’ve found others may have different experiences.

Today I’ve been very domesticated (others may say it’s what I’m meant to do) I’ve baked ANZAC biscuits and donut muffins, sewn my son’s hem on his two pairs of school pants as it’s winter uniform time and he has grown and even done some washing and ironing.

Going to watch F1 qualifying at 11 and go to bed.

Enjoy your Sunday

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Issi ,

I agree with cycles and other aspects of bipolar as being different from person to person and even with an indivudal they may usually have them weeks apart and have a period of rapid cycling.

My son when he was young, said to me one day, could you be like other mums and make things and cook things. I did domestic things but not as well as other mums!!

Quirky

[Issi]

Quirky

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you can’t see the amount of burnt stuff the other mums throw away to get a good batch of biscuits. 😄😄😄😄

I used to be able to make great sponge cakes, but since we got a new oven 5 years ago they come out flat as pancakes.

No wonder my dog is overweight she gets my failures.

Have a good day.

Issi

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Issi you made me smile at the image of your overweight dog and bins filled with burnt biscuits in the best of kitchens!!

Quirky

Why do we compare ourselves with others and why do others compare us with others when we are all different?

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

Lol Issi I also liked your comment about the overweight dog - I'd imagine a very happy dog too! My dog also eats very well, because of my fussy children...

I'm interested in this concept of 'cycles' and 'episodes', as I'm still new to this diagnosis and haven't yet worked out what it really means for me... it's always just been my personality, so what's the big deal right? It's just me, bit of a wrecking ball at times, normal most of the time, depressed occasionally. Sometimes all three in the same day.

I understand the downs, pretty clear about them, but what are the highs? How do you tell the difference between normal and Bipolar? If I have a cranky day and shout at the kids a lot, is it just because they are being naughty or is it my illness? If I'm out having a good time and going a bit crazy with my friends, is it just me having fun or is it my illness? If I have a day when I'm feeling a bit down and not wanting to do anything, is it just because I'm tired and have been overdoing it a bit or is it my illness? I've been like this forever, I have no idea what's normal and what's not.

Clearly I don't get it yet... nobody has really explained it properly so I'm on medication without really understanding why I need it and what it does.... hopefully my follow up with the Psychiatrist this week will reveal more, we ran out of time when I saw her for my first visit.

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Tams they are understandable questions.

It is hard trying to work out one's cycles. I remember when I wa son medication and started being more stable, I wondered who I was- Was it the nonstop talker with a million ideas who spent too much money was rude to people and arrogant and self centred or was the quiet introvert who was intense and loved to do things solitary?

I suppose I came to see I was a bit of both but now I am a talkative introvert who is not much fun!

For me the hardest part was when other people would say I was going high as I was spending too much when I wasn't. I decided to trust one person's opinion. Sometimes we need a second opinion but it has to be one who can trust. Going out and having fun with friends is great but if you do risk taking or outrageous behaviour for you, like stripping and dancing on the table, that maybe a sign you are high. Of course if you do that normally then it would not be a problem.

Just being hypothetical so you get the idea. Most parents shout at their children but if you are doing it more than usual, it maybe a sign.

I mentioned to Grandy who is also recently diagnosed about keeping a diary about length of cycle and moods and you can make notes so you can see a pattern.

Sometimes we think we are fine but others see us differently. That's why I think it helps to have one or two people whose judgment you trust.

I had an ex who said I was high whenever I disagreed with him. So I did have my illness used against me and that's makes me sad especially when I am trying so hard to be healthy.

The other thing is with moods, if they just last for a few hrs or day it is different than if you feel low for a couple of weeks.

I did not mean to rave on but you have asked crucial questions.

Take care

Quirky

[Tams20]

Thanks Quirky,

You’re not raving on, that’s exactly the sort of response I was looking for. It helps to get a perspective from someone who has lived with this for a long time .

I should do a diary but I don’t even know what I’d put down.... everything? Only the extremes? One thing I’ve started doing is to try to see me as my friends and family might see me, to be a bit more ‘self-aware’.... not an easy thing to do!

Tams