This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Airies]

Hello everyone,

Issi I used to be a crier, but one of the downsides of my meds is that now I'm emotionally numb. Whether it's a coping mechanism or something I don't know.

Tams glad to see you here. love your positivity. Having a lifestyle change in my neck of the woods. Moving house, downsizing after 3 decades in the one house. Been busy with the logistics f selling, buying and now packing. It's like a breath of fresh air. Another nice day outside.

cheers

[Loula]

I’m waiting for my phycologist meeting so I decided to get some lunch!!! Bad idea!!! I’m in the rich part of town at a post Italian restaurant and I’m the only one sitting alone. Everyone is in groups and I feel as though everyone is staring at me like what a loser. I just feel lonely. I feel worthless and in a few minuets I get to discus my shifty life!

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

Aries, rather you moving than me. I moved 4 times in 5 years and thought never again but who knows what my older age will hold.

y medication made me cry more!! - weird or I think it is my medication.

Loula when I was traveling alone for a while, I took my ipad with me and when I was in a restaurant just pretended I was a writer , working on my latest novel!! I actually was the only person in an Italian restaurant so I felt guilty I only ordered soup.

I hope you felt better once you saw your psych.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Loula,

I quite like being in a restaurant on my own! I’ve done a lot of travelling for work lately and I’ve gotten used to it. I also sit in the pub and have a drink on my own - how’s that for being a loser?? If you feel them looking just scroll your phone and shut them out.

I also love going to the movies on my own. Prefer it to going with someone else!

Tams

[Loula]

Well normally I have the confidence to do this on my own. But today it just really has gotten to me.

[Tams20]

Some days it does for me too. But don’t let it derail you. Maybe it was because you were a bit anxious about meeting with your psych, that would certainly affect my self-confidence.

Was the meal nice though? I like Italian food 😊

[quirkywords]

Big smile to veryone reading,

Confidence a strange thing, one day whe can have enough confidence to share and on another day have none at all. Where does it go?

I used to think there was a tribe of confident people, you know they always seem on top of things, can talk to anyone, always feel good about themselves.

I have a friend who I thought was part of theconfident tribe but then she told me she was just pretending.

So now I wonder is anyone truly confident?

When I was manic I thought I was confident but I was sadly deluded .

What do others think? Do your moods affect your confidence?

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Quirky,

It turns out my friends all thought I was part of the confident tribe, but I was just pretending. They still can’t see my mental illness, to them I’m just normal with a few personality quirks. My job is in a male-dominated industry so you need to have (excuse my vulgarity) ‘balls’ to succeed. Underneath my veneer of bravado I’m full of self-doubt and fear... the ‘Imposter Syndrome’ is so strong with me, even though I get so much positive feedback about my work. Very strange.

I have friends that also seem so confident and self-assured - but when we get talking, usually over a few wines, it all comes out... they’re pretending too.

I should add that this is mainly a female trait - my male friends don’t seem to go into the same depth of self-analysis, they either succeed, or they fail and move on. They don’t tend to reflect on things so much! I enjoy socialising with men because they don’t make me think too deeply about myself.

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Tams, I think some men pretend to be confident asdo some women andthere are men who just take it as it goes.

That is an interesting observation about men and women.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Yes Quirky, that was quite a generalisation that I made! Sorry 😐

There are definitely exceptions - my husband, for one, is not overly confident and he doesn’t really pretend either.

Tams