This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Airies]

Asdff, thinking of you, Credit to you for recognising the need to have people around you and guts to explain what’s good on.And you were able to pick yourself quicker then usual. New tools in your toolbox.

It’s a horrible illness that only we understand. 

[quirkywords]

Asdff thanks for your honesty.I find it hard when people say but you were so well last week and you dont look depressed.  I want to say do you think I am saying this to get attention but I don’t. 

[quirkywords]

I think my toolbox is rusty. I have been told so many times I am a drama queen if I tell some people about how I feel.

aries some times I do t u der stand my illness. 

[velvetfaerie]

When people say for you to speak up then they kick you when you do? Or ignore what you're saying? 

Yeh not cool. It's a trap. I completely understand where you are all coming from.

[quirkywords]

  Velvet yes people say be honest and I will support you then they igniter or tell you there are so many people worse off.

I an tired of justifying and apologising for how I feel.

[Airies]

My friend / family bubble is so small but I’m past trying to justify. I’m just very different.

[velvetfaerie]

No one's struggles are invalid. 

I don't justify myself anymore either, especially to folks who have no critical thinking skills.

Not much sleep last night thanks to my thyroid. It woke me up hungry at 3am. 😂

[quirkywords]

Aries my friend bubble is limited and others are condional. Sometime I feel the only people who understand are online. 
velvet I agree I know long justify my feelings or behaviour or apologise. 

[velvetfaerie]

I'm not going to work today and I feel bad.

I shouldn't. There are others who have days off almost weekly and expect others to constantly cover their work. 

I'm not going today as I am having an ultrasound on my thyroid. In 2 weeks I need other inpatient tests and I am category 1. 

I need to remind myself that my health is important. Why constantly self sacrifice/go above and beyond for a workplace full of selfish people who refuse to acknowledge my efforts?

My boss is also going for a year long transfer. She told me yesterday and her last day is this Thursday. I understand why. Our workplace steals wages, and that is now a criminal offence. Not bad given my employer posted a 150% profit increase over 12 months!!! 

[quirkywords]

Velvet a day of rest is helpful

I no longer justify who I am.

I just feel so tired all the time.