This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Velvet here in mountains it is cold and rainy with maybe kne day over 20 degrees a week.

sorry yo have pain and diseases. 
I a. Tired of having no energy amd eating too much then doing lots of steps. 

[velvetfaerie]

It happens. I'm just lucky I have access to wonderful medical professionals.

Please send some cool weather over?

I just had to do work in the heat and I told them twice I need to be careful due to medication making me heat sensitive.

They didn't offer solutions or anything.

My epic new colleague stood up for me and helped me.... because I am actually doing a favour for others.

[Airies]

Here in Southern Vic it’s warm enough.Saw my psych for the final time. Gave here a hug as she had been there through my darkest times. I said ,”you saved my life” and she replied “it was a team effort “:Somehow I knew that’s what her answer would be. My meds have been adjusted, hopefully to reduce my bad dreams. Another hurdle is finding another Psch. None of her colleagues would take me on. Also looking at EMDR treatment to help with PTSD.

Great to see a colleague who stands up for you V.

Asdff  checking to see if you’re ok.

[quirkywords]

Aries I have only seen a pysch once or twice.would have been great to have the continuity.m

[velvetfaerie]

I have been explaining and expressing my needs to my parents and work and they don't hear me. 

It's not anything big either. Communication where relevant. Don't guilt me about things you didn't tell me about. Don't tell me you don't visit because it's too far then drive 5x the distance elsewhere regularly. Yes I need working equipment to do my job. I also need communication where relevant so I can do my job.

I'm close to breaking. No one has listened when I have told them this is all unreasonable. 

[quirkywords]

Velvet I feel the frustration in your words.

I try to express words to explain my needs to loved ones but often they don’t listen or turn into something about themselves. I explain how I feel tired but they say how can you be tired you just volunteer . 
we're listening. 

[velvetfaerie]

I've just distanced myself. If they can't see what they're doing is unhelpful, then I don't have to engage with it.

[quirkywords]

Velvet

sometimes distancing oneself from unhelpful people is the on,y thing to do.

Asdff how are you going. Lisa how is the school year going. 

[velvetfaerie]

Well the good news is, work has authorised the purchases and as far as communication is concerned, I'll leave it be. When they question me on not doing my job I'll ask them to show me where I was included in correspondence. 

Parents. I'm visiting on Monday. Mum can't visit me. Too tired. We shall see what is discussed on Monday. 

Has anyone ever cut off and walked away from a very long term friend? I did yesterday. When they have had no issues holding me accountable for my  behaviour, and I explain nicely In September how they have hurt me, (at that time not rehashing the past), then I see yesterday passive aggressive comments on a mutual friends page aimed at me!!!! She has to make everything all about her. 

So I said nothing and blocked. 

I have forgiven so many things over the years, as she has, but making me think we are ok then showing BOTH her faces like that?

This is for life. Forever. Never again.

[asdff]

Hello, Sorry I’ve been absent I’ve been okay, then we had a family death. Yes, another one. Someone I was close to. Not unexpected as this person was old, still very sad. Now. I am hypomanic. It’s exhausting and tiring all in one. Isn’t bipolar the gift that keeps on giving?

I will read and catch up on what you have all been up to.