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This bipolar life

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

10,686 Replies 10,686

Velvet, I will be thinking of you in May. We have certainly had some stinking hot weather, it certainly drained me.Airies, it’s hard saying goodbye to a supportive professional. Mt psychologist has prepared me for when she retires, it will be in a yea for two. She has cut back to 2 days a week and hasn’t taken on new clients in years. 

Hi Quirky, thanks for your words of wisdom. Hi Susie Rose, having little ones is exhausting. 

Velvet

i had a friend I was. Lose ro for over ten years but after I fled she never contacted me as it was too painful she would reply in one or two words . In the end I regretfully stopped replying . We had been so close. She was traumatised so didn’t want to contact me. 

It is a hard decision. 

Asdff sending sympathy for your loss. I had a good friend die in Jan and it effected me. 

Sympathies for your losses adff and quirky.

As for my surgery = nervous but can't wait for the benefits!!!

As for friends etc? My boundaries have cost me a couple of friends. Says a lot about them. The boundaries are basic courtesy and respect!!  🤣🤣🤣

Sympathy for your loss Asdff. Velvet wishing you all the best for your upcoming surgery. Ive tried to cut off a long term friend by distancing myself, phone calls and contact. There’s a group of 3 catch-up around birthdays which becomes a logistical nightmare. I can’t be bothered.

Flying overseas in a few days to see my son and celebrate his birthday. 

asdff
Community Member

Airies do you find the Birthdays draining? I find all social outings draining these days. I am stuck in my routines and I like it that way. 

Quirky, may we remember the good times with our loved ones.

 

Velvet, how humid has it been? So gross, I wish it would rain. 

asdff
Community Member

I must be hypomanic, I’m running around from here to there. Not getting stuff done just going through cupboards, drawers etc. gosh this disease is exhausting. I have forced myself to sit down and type out how I am feeling. First we had no power a few weeks ago on a stinking hot day, then we have had stinking hot days and nights. Our power went off again, along with many others. It was a public holiday was everyone well almost everyone was off work and school. I had to keep my temper in check. Today I can’t sit still. We do a thing planned for the weekend so there is some packing to be done but I can imagine my husband wants some part in that. Cue me plucking my last string of patience from thin air. Thanks for listening.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Velvet 

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Velvet hope the surgery goes well. 
Asdff I can’t still and have many plans all the time
aries the idea if a catch up is ok but the logistics are tiring

Hey Quirky, Thanks for replying. My head feels so cluttered and I had a psychologist appointment today. We did untangle some of my thoughts regarding the death of my loved one. There is always something to get to the bottom of with me. I wish I was a straight forward case but nope. I have lots of feelings and I feel them deeply. Is there not a factory reset, like with a car or computer? 

Whoops. I've been really busy and had a week of my body reminding me why I'm having an organ and it's various issues removed in 8 weeks!!!

I haven't even been to the gym in a week. Mean organ!!! 

Ah yes Monday just gone was a public holiday and we had the most HUMID weather ever.  

I've been visiting a friend today far away from me. I caught the train and did piles of walking. The far end of town. 

I respond well to food bribes ahahah.

I'm very tired now. 

Logistics and effort is also tiring, and I don't put in effort with many these days.