This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Does anyone find they are restless most of the night and thinking too much in the morning then ok about 2pm a burst of energy at night then low mood in morning.

that’s my life atm.

[asdff]

I was restless during the night last night Quirky. I was having night terrors. Oops. I woke the house multiple times. I’m not the household favourite today!!!

[quirkywords]

Asdff

do you have dreams so divided you think they are real and so vivid you are disturbed for hours after..

[asdff]

They are vivid when I am asleep. I remember them once a family member wakes me up. I have made myself wake up, I go to the toilet. Then back to bed. I could go straight back to sleep but I would go straight back to the same dream. By waking up it takes me awhile to start the nightmares. They are usually I’m being chased, someone that I care deeply for is dying etc etc. I’ve told a few professionals about them. They don’t seem too concerned by them. It’s concerning for the people in my house. Plus me. These night terrors are exhausting. Quirky, I am not too disturbed by them. As a child I was. I had reoccurring nightmares as a child. As a teen none. As an adult none. Then Started a medication and I started getting them. For me it means a change in mood. I’ve not yet had the dip into depression but it’s probably coming.

[Airies]

I have vivid dreams and often talk in my sleep. Seems to be more frequent with my meds or if I’ve been thinking even remotely about my former work environment. I often am lost, on the back foot, seemingly wronged and able to recall in the morning. I find then annoying more then anything and link them to my PTSD.As a child I would often draw the sheets over my face and a pillow and have a small slot for my eyes and imagine I was an astronaut.Now I do the same with the sheets to draw comfort. My security blanket. I was in bed by 7 pm . I absolutely wrecked myself on the bike

[quirkywords]

I often put sheets over my face like a tent .

[asdff]

Fascinating reading about you Airies and Quirky with the sheets and pillows. I roll over in my sleep and put my pillow over my head.

I had a psychologist session today. I was told I am high functioning as I keep my feelings much to myself. So much as to not distress those around me. I guess I don’t do that here because I share how I’m feeling. Well not everything as we are moderated. I am to keep a journal that shows mood, my daily activities, any changes in mood. Psych is trying to out cause and effect. How is everyone? As per usual I’m all over the shop.

[asdff]

Now please don’t attack me for post the stuff above. Perhaps that is why I don’t share in real life fear of attacks. Certainly a fear of being labeled, typecast, put into a box.

[velvetfaerie]

Lucky my last post vanished!!! Nothing to do with any of you fine folks.

Today I told the managers they're a bunch of hypocrites and left.

I have a new phrase - corporate gaslighting.

I'm well fed up. How can I do my job and do it efficiently when I'm left guessing. No info. No communication. Not a thing. The managers are responsible for it but noo. Duck. Weave. Dive. No appology.

How can I guess? Ask them every day and remove the accountability from them?

No. So when I'm not going in I won't inform anyone. Oh but that will be different. Not really.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

I relate to not sharing in real life as I do worry how people will react and how the will label me.

I hope nothing on here has happened to upset you.
sending kind thoughts