This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Jealous. So very very jealous.

The only reason I haven't gone to the US yet is I am a coward. Being so far from home and flying is scary for me.

Enjoy yourselves!!! You and the family!!!

[Airies]

Gotta admit it’s a long flight. Thankyou so much Velvet. New grandson coming today so we are chief babysitters for granddaughter. Been trudging around in the snow with granddaughter. How’s the home gym going? I will revisit gym upon return to Aus.American takeaway food servings are huge.

Hows Quirky, Asdff and others doing?

[velvetfaerie]

Woooo!!!! Awesome news. I can't wait to hear about the new Youngun....

Home/garage gym = not in 40+ degrees. 

I have done early walks and yoga instead.

[quirkywords]

 Velvet thanks for sharing that info.

Aries that sounds cold. 

[velvetfaerie]

I have been juggling serious concern about my mums welfare and contacting various agencies for advice/assistance. I spent about 2 weeks in a bureaucratic tornado. You get spoken down to and gaslit almost constantly. 

I eventually contacted the one family member I felt was the best choice and a family friend a little bit. Both have had some not very nice things to say about my father. 

It is very hard to reconcile this mentally because I know it is all true, through my own experience.

So, all I could do in the end was to send documented evidence of issues to mums Dr. 

I just needed to get that out. 

I might go for another walk and bike ride.

The weather is very civilised today. 

[asdff]

Velvet it has been stinking hot. I am very grateful it has cooled down. Are school holidays over yet? I’ve got one kid that organises their own outings and get themself around. The one thinks I have to entertain them, he has a bike, scooter (not electric) and two feet. He thinks I have to take him places. We were out yesterday, he is going out tomorrow. We’ve just had a house guest, the same house guest as over last week. I need my own space and my routine. 

[asdff]

Does anyone else remember the poster from the 80’s/90’s that said Hang in there Friday is coming and it had a photo of a cat with its claws scratching down a wall or tree? That is how I feel about the end school holidays, so close yet so far. My rage is like lava. The roads are really busy because people have taken time off after public holiday. The kids are driving me bananas, a parent of mine was staying over and I am not a fan of people staying in my house. Everything is taking twice as long. So yeah. I’m tired and my routines and coping mechanisms aren’t holding up. 

[Airies]

Hard work being a parent at the best of times yet alone with our condition am I allowed to say that?

Still freezing outside. It’s too cold for snow. It has to be close to zero degrees to be snowing and it’s way past that . Been up since 3 in the morning. So posting here . It’s been 11 years since my diagnosis and when I was at my lowest low. Suicidal, hospital admissions, ECT and so on, you get the picture.

My better half in conversation mentioned about travel insurance not covering depression. This played on my mind and I posed the question do the kids know I’m bipolar? and she said well they know about your depression and that’s what they called it way back then.

This poses a dillema What do I do? Or what have others done ?

I’m not embarrassed about my bipolar. I’m rather proud of being a survivor and a little bit different.

[asdff]

I forgot to offer you congratulations on the new addition Airies. So congrats. I love babies and little ones. Amongst other things they are so honest. as for taking about being bipolar, it depends on the day, my mood and the person I am taking with. I’ve actually met my first person in the wild (ha ha) that has bipolar. Of course I know you wonderful lot. I met this woman at the gym. She is slightly older than me and was diagnosed at 16, type 1. My children know I have bipolar and some days I tell them it’s the anger and rage that is causing my anger and rage. I am not any better at predicting a swing into rage. They have seen me cry and cry. So for me, I am trying to be honest, yet not too honest. 

[Airies]

Asdff,  i simply love your last sentence. It really resonates with me. I’m met a few BP people through groups at psych hospital and the wonderful group here. My sisters know, other siblings don’t.lm guessing others would just guess. I need to roll with a lot of things as opposed to seeing red.Im fortunate to have what I have in my life.Im in the last chapter of my life mid 60s so its time to enjoy life