This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[clown_of_mine]

Thankyou quirky

Admission : I will eat chocolate when posting because doing so without detection is a wee thrill.

Till we post again quirky.

[quirkywords]

Clown what a great admission or make a moist chocolate cake to share.

[Macca247]

From Bipolar & Cheating forum:
Ok, thanks everyone for the feedback and thought I would post my reply on this forum as it seems more fitting to my life problems.
Ill try and answer the questions asked throughout the post relating to my specific condition maybe to help provide some more clarity.

in relation to White Kinghts questions:

Do you have bipolar 1 or 2?:
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I really don't know what degree of bipolar I have as its just life for me.

You cheat could be due to other reasons...hereditory, biological:
I would say the hereditary comment holds weight as although undiagnosed My grandfather (Cheater) My Uncle (Cheater) and Me (Cheater) have all been cheaters. I am the only clinically diagnosed as mental illness in my family is a taboo and a weakness so normally scoffed at.

in relation to quirkywords questions:
talk to your doctor or psychologist about your feelings:
My next conversation is to my psychologist in Feb, my partner is still waiting around in hope that I get better and I am unsure how much, if any better I can get? Therefore if my psychologist says that this most probably be a symptom I think I will have to call it.

could you be totally honest with your partner:
I think I could be totally honest although I dont know where that will take us, she wold not go for an open relationship I dont think and im not sure I could to that to her?

Do you get these feelings when manic or depressed or in both moods.?
Yes I do in both. Depression to try and fell better and manic cause I love the chase. In the middle I would say that it doesn't really happen though that period or I stop. I would say that the chase can probably keep me in a manic state when otherwise I would probably have come out of it.

Thanks clown of mine, I appreciate what your saying cause if was as simple as me stopping cause I love the person I already would have, I know my next relationship will be the same and the next one after that, so that's what I can't understand and if its not bipolar then what is it?

[velvetfaerie]

Hi everyone. Hope you are all well. Cheating. Very interesting subject. I'm racing out the door to the gym at the moment so this will be short. Ish.
I've known many men who have done this. My current partner is one. This is why his marriage went kaput.
I've also been on the receiving end.
I understand why it happens. I don't like it but I understand. No pun intended but I think you're filling a hole. Unforfilled. Invalidated. Empty. Bored even. The idea of doing it has even crossed my mind!!!!

I've been reflecting on my childhood this am so I am feeling very.... I have some clarity of why I am the way I am.

Catch you guys on the flip!!!!

V.

[clown_of_mine]

pardon my leap of faith but I get the narcissist thing and I do believe they seek out people with bipolar characteristics , it's not just because they know that they are inferior and must find a person with more obvious flaws to hide behind and to dominate with their desperate superior games.

in all my years I see no solution , every day I tell myself : Don't be alarmed if you are lumbered with negativity Don't react if you are insulted and Don't get hurt when you are savaged - Because none of this is you fault.

[velvetfaerie]

Nail on the head in my opinion. Narcs have no self esteem so, they are basically schoolyard bullies with more life experience thus the ability to play even more nasty games.

I'm doing deep soul searching at the moment, from childhood stuff to relationship stuff. All trauma. Many hallelujah moments.

V.

[quirkywords]

Macca

welcome here and thanks for your post.

I know where someone decided not to be in a relationship because they can’t stop cheating.

There are people who don’t believe in monogamy so in that society you would not been seen as cheating.

The trouble is living in a monogamous society. I am not a medical expert or a psychological one so it does interest me that there maybe a psychological reason for cheating.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

[quirkywords]

Velvet and everyone reading

glad you are having breakthroughs in your reflections.

I have wondered why there are societies when men have many wives, but not sure there are many societies when women have many husbands.

I think there are so many reasons for straying.

I knew a woman who had 2 young children and was managing 2 affairs, she said she just needed to so she felt like a complete human being.

Clown thanks for your comments about narcissists,.I will think about narcissists seeking out people with bipolar, not sure any one has found me. I find I attract controlling people who are always right.

[asdff]

Hey Clown of Mine and everyone else, I’ve never been in a relationship with a narcissist, that I can think of. Perhaps my real first love was a bully. He would put me down. I have seen a narc in action through school. Man oh man, he is a piece of work. This couple break up, get back together more times than Bonnie and Clyde. They thrive on drama. I was friends with the woman, when she wasn’t with him. Supporting her. Then he comes back in, waves his wand and she is back to her old ways. Like an alcoholic, you can’t help someone unless they want help.

I have been away form the computer for a few days. Saw some family and other things. I did write a long post but lost it! It was in reply to Velvet speaking about parenting. Parenting is my greatest achievement and my biggest pet peeve. I have one child who behaves like me. That gets my back up. She is strong minded. Like me. She will fight for things, like me. Growing up, I didn’t like girls like me. I guess that she why we sometimes clash. She isn’t a full blown teen yet. She is mature though, so some traits are like a teen already. My son, is cute and cuddly. He is more sensitive than my daughter. He is the child, I fear could have BP later in life. My husband doesn’t think the boy has BP. That is my biggest fear, I’ve passed on this sh7t of a disease to my children.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

I can relate to that fear of passing on bipolar .