This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I can understand this.
Very much.

[asdff]

I usually get heaps out of my counselling sessions, it’s cathartic. Not today, today I feel a bit dejected. I took some childhood photos in and said how they reminded me of those terrible times. While psychologist was not dismissive I feel misunderstood. I don’t think she feels these were dramatic times. Well some of them were according to her but me replaying and reminding myself of them is not helpful. Okay, so how to fix a partly traumatised brain?????? My last session I was asked to get a list of feelings and I got a list of around 150. I probably need to print them out. Having them on my phone is not the best. He reason why I asked to get the list because things I was labelling as anxious weren’t anxiety. Psych sees me as a capable, outgoing person. I am meant to do more things to help with the depressive episodes. I must off at least 10 things I do to lift my mood.

So can you see why I feel lacklustre? Ooo thanks feelings list.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

Sorry your session didn’t go as well as you hoped.

150 feelings, wow I think I would have trouble getting to 10.

quirky

[Airies]

Hi folks, i would struggle too to get 10. Maybe I’m insensitive, certainly not tough. I know I could read them off a list when in group. Hats off to you for getting 150. Sometimes I think our psych misread us, only natural. Not that it makes it any easier for us. I hope your next session is more beneficial. I ran into old work colleague at dentist. Same person who apparently couldn’t help herself at work with our last encounter and say he’s not doing well. Said are you well, we must catch up.. that won’t be happening I can tell you. Toxic person ... not needed. I accommodated everybody once... not now

cheers

[quirkywords]

Aries

like you Iused to trust everyone make excuses for everyone give people second and third chnaces. Then I gave people one chnace and that was it. Call me harsh but if you break my trust no more chances.

I find people who say something toxic then say sorry time and time again , really got me down so a drew a line.

[asdff]

I couldn’t name 150. I could probably name 15. The list I found had 150. I feel weary, skeptical and a bit resentful. There you go you have my day.

[quirkywords]

My day tired, worried and unappreciated as well as grateful and hopeful.

[velvetfaerie]

Exhausted
Angry
Resentful
Depressed
Unimportant
Fed up

Feeling pressure on some financial plane atm. Its not direct and probably me being paranoid. Its involved and infuriating and I won't go into it here. Again I may be being paranoid.

I am so burnt out and not sleeping as well. Definitely not helping.

[asdff]

Quirky I am the same as you. One chance and you’re are out. I think it’s come from my Step Sister being a druggie. She would get chances. Multiple, then you reach a point where it’s like. Enough. P$ss off.

Here is some more wisdom from my psych about the different types of BP. So please tell me how yours goes. I cycle down. I go from normal to depressed. Through my therapy and do everything I am asked, keeping routines, meds, exercise, attending therapy. Blah blah blah. I can keep myself from going into deep depression. I will go normal, track down to mild depression. Then back up to normal. I do at times go into deep depression.

Another type and maybe you guys have this? You cycle from normal up to a bit of mania. Sometimes you will cycle to full blown mania? Is that right? Now I can’t remember it all.

I do know I was thinking, well I’ve got the sh7t kind. Who wants to walk around depressed most of the time? I also was scolded for ruminating. Why do you think I come in here? To help with my thought patterns.

[velvetfaerie]

Asdff ... I concur. I also get the angries. I am not sure if I have had full blown mania but I have had a fair patch there where i was believing things that just were not true or possible. Kind of a psychosis I guess brought on by coming off medication and stress and so forth.

Ruminating..... I do it a lot. I guess I label myself paranoid. I might have my terms confused.

I understand burn out is also a BP thing, so I have read.

I got some lollies. 😄