This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Glad you are ok Velvet.

asdff birthday parties when my children were school age and younger I’d say from 4 , parents didn’t stay now it seems the norm.
my children would say leave now mum you are embarrassing me!!

[Airies]

Yep predisposed to loneliness. As a child in my own little world. As an adult especially now with all that is going On. Us BP folks cram so much into our life, the high the lows, the in between., no wonder we are stuffed. I’ve been logging my food again, meditating every day, mindfulness thankgod for insight timer , so far so good. Hopefully I can stick to it.
cheers

[asdff]

Quirky, yesterday's party was for a family member. So it was just us with the 4 kids and adults. With school friends it's around 8-10 years.we don't stay anymore. Depending on the location. I went to one two weeks ago. I stayed because it was half an hour drive. I'm not turning around to then come back in an hour.

Hey Aries. I wasn't a lonely child. I had friends. Looking back I did have my mood swings though. I loved reading. If was a having a bad day I sat in the library reading. That was Primary School. High School I just got on with things. I did have mood swings there too. Some people liked to wind me up. I hated that.

Off to Pysch appointment. That is going to be a draining one. I've got lots to discusss. Can't we just turn off the overthinking part of our brains? It's exhausting just existing.

[quirkywords]

I liked my own company as a child as I was unpopular so I had to like being alone, even at lunch time!!

Cue violins. Now I still like being alone and find lots of people talking a bit noisy.

[velvetfaerie]

I need my alone time and solo things to recharge....

[quirkywords]

Velvet many people don’t know to be alone and don’t know the difference between feeling lonely and being alone alone.

[asdff]

Guess who didn’t have a psychologist appointment today? Me. Doh. It’s on Wednesday. I thought it was strange as it’s usually Wednesday for me. I turned up and no one is there. I had a whole suitcase of issues to discuss.

I’m like Velvet I need alone time. It’s probably thinking and processing time. I like my home and my home environment to feel relaxed and comfortable.

Quirky that makes me sad that you didn’t have friends. I would have been friends with you. I’m friends with everyone. I’m nice, friendly and make an effort to include others.

who else feels like this? When you see someone with a physical disability or injury. Like a wheelchair, crutches and even worse. Do you feel sorry for them? Does it affect you? It does for me. I see people in the shops and I feel something. It could be sadness or pity/sorrow. I’m not sure if this is a BP trait or highly sensitive person. I think it’s the latter.

I had a cry in the car on the way to non psych appointment. I feel like my life has been like a match. Bright and shit in the beginning and now burnt out. Just exisiting. Barely getting by.

[quirkywords]

Asdff I write things on calendar and write appointments on wrong day.

I had friends just found it hard to make friends with girls.

i will talk to the person to whom no one is talking.

[velvetfaerie]

I would have been your mate too Quirky.

Asdff. Yes. Empathy. Us BP folk seem to have it in spades. I see people. Not gender. Not disability. Not sexuality. Not ethnicity. Not religion. If you're a twonk you're a twonk. Simple. Many people with disabilities, for example, seem to be warm, caring and so forth as they know what it is like to receive the opposite through society and it's judgement.

Hope that made sense.

Guess what is in the oven?
A CHEESE CAKE.

Asdff - the match analogy. I feel the same. As I have aged I feel I've lost the edge I had. I think it's still there, it just has a more mature outlook now.

[asdff]

Velvet, I used to work I used to study. I used to both in the same here. Then I just worked. Then I did the Mum thing and I’m still doing it. I thought I would do part time work but every time I tried to get a part time job. I didn’t get the job. Then hubby’s job became more stressful. I’m just annoyed he didn’t get this higher paying job that he spent weeks interviewing for. It kept going through the stages then. The last stage oh there is not a suitable job for you. Why did you make him to two assignments? That really made me go off the deep end. That and last weeks cold. I wanted to unpack this with psychologist.