This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

Issi · ‎22-01-2018

Quirky

my husband is a man of very little words, it’s hard to get an explanation out of him. If I spoke sports it might be different.

Issi

weit2gyttd · ‎22-01-2018

Where do I start..
I think when I was about 13 and started writing songs.

Thinking back, they were a way for me to get all the 0shit of my life out of my head.

But I think I was bipolar even back then, as the highs were wonderful (wrote lots of songs - most rubbish), and the lows were dreadful (just wanted to stay in bed)

I like this thread, love the stories, just wanted to add mine to it.

Lady_Stardust · ‎23-01-2018

Quirky, I’m glad I’m making sense to someone, hahaha. I understand the guilt, and the piling on of guilt. It really sucks and I wish it didn’t happen, but wishing doesn’t do much good, so I guess we’ll have to figure out strategies that work, huh? And yes, avoided volunteer gig again today, but as it so happens, it was my last day anyhow.

I hope you’re feeling better now? Don’t worry, we understand how you’re feeling.

velvet, good work on all your exercise! Exercise is supposed to perk people up, endorphins and stuff I think? I should get back into it. The blues - they’ll get ya when you least expect. 😖 And hey, sounds like you deserve a cheeky bit of chocolate!

Issi, I’m sorry you’re feeling so poorly about yourself. It’s so hard when we lose weight and then put it back on, I’ve had that happen so I understand. If you want a revision, I say go get a revision. This is about doing things to make you feel better, and that’s the important thing.

weit2gyttd, hey there! Thanks for adding your story. Do you still write songs? Music can be very helpful and therapeutic, whether it be creating or listening. 😌

I feel okay-ish today. Didn’t sleep well but I did manage a sleep in, which is awesome. Hoping that I didn’t make a mistake this morning and take two of my OCD medication. I take my bipolar and OCD together in the morning but got interrupted by a phone call. Went back and wasn’t sure about whether I took my OCD pill, so took one in case. Hopefully I wasn’t foolish!

quirkywords · ‎23-01-2018

Weit2gyttd

welcome to the forum and this thread.

It is great to hear your story.

I used to write lots of poems but when depressed they were dark, but when I was manic , I could write ten poems in a few minutes and they were dreadful.

I have never written a song but would like to one day.

This a friendly and supportive thread. It is good to write something and people know what you are saying without a huge explanation.

Stardust,

Hopefully you took the right tablets. I have my tablets in one of those plastic days of the week containers as I was always forgetting and wondering if I had taken them.

Issi,

In a previous relationship the only way I could get partners attention was to stand in front of the tv so he would say move- but not that politely!

Quirky

velvetfaerie · ‎23-01-2018

Music = I must find the fire again. I used to play in bands and write etc. It will return.

I am so angry right now. I have a friend and a work colleague who are having serious issues and making threats regarding their well being and one was waiting in emergency for 24 hours then got kicked out. I have listened to their carry on for MONTHS AND MONTHS... and they won't fight. Fight for treatment. Fight for themselves. They just talk utter rubbish. I got told after my months of help and support that she will be OK once her other friend gets back from over east. OUCH OK fine. Good luck with that then. Call her then crying. Text her then when feeling unwell.

I am SICK OF BEING NICE.

quirkywords · ‎23-01-2018

Velvet,

I don't know why people who have had your help and support for months then decide that have have another friend to help.

Velvet we like your niceness and compassion. that friend will learn the mistake she has made when her new friend decides not to hang around and support.

Quirky

velvetfaerie · ‎23-01-2018

One less thing for me to invest my precious free time in really. I can focus on me. Thank you for your kind words!

Work went bananas. So busy. Unexpected chaos. Lucky I am made to hit the ground running.

can't wait for gym tonight. BOXING ! 😄

Might need emergency chocolate energy ehhehehehe.

Issi · ‎24-01-2018

Welcome weit2gyttd, as you have read at one stage or another we are on bipolar/adhd roller coaster or what else you have in your mix.

In my late teenage years I wrote lots of poetry, some dark and others very lite and sunny.

Velvet, maybe before you help someone else. Ask yourself what am I'm getting out of it. Not phyisical things but ask am I going to hurt.

Issi

quirkywords · ‎24-01-2018

Hello everyone,

I think there are lots of poets here. I read once that in a organisation for poets over half had bipolar.

Issi, I find I am helping others before I realise it as it is my nature. I suppose I never think I will get hurt . Thanks that is helpful, I know it was meant for Velvet but I can relate.

Quirky

velvetfaerie · ‎24-01-2018

I had emergency pre-gym chocolate yesterday and then a 2 hour and 15 min session in said gym. Made me feel much better.

Lately regarding a few people around me they only contact me to whinge. And i cannot be bothered anymore. I get nothing out of it. I feel they just want attention most of the time instead of problem solving.

Nearly the long weekend. Should be fun, and restful amongst the fun. I will be with good fun people 😄

I need another coffee hehehhee.

V.