This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[white knight]

Hi confusion personified, welcome

Your bipolar is part if you. Your personality is part of you. The total package is ..you.

Stephen Fry said this. You can google his quotes. As he said, if he was cured tomorrow he'd feel like he's lost himself.

So, you can't take a leap forward with this new development by not analysing it and building confidence. Every morning look in the mirror and tell yourself what a good person you are. Program your day ahead with a smile.

I wrote an article ...Google...Topic: depression are there any positives- beyondblue

The good news from me anyhow, is that there can be a sweet spot regarding medications. Its taken me a while but with mood stabilisers and a small dose of AD's I'm OK.

I also found several of life's factors play a role...google this please...Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Again, a warm welcome here. Its a great anonymous place.

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

Thanks Len and Sherie xxx

[blondguy]

Hey Kaz

I feel the pain you have been going through. I wont give any advice from a guy thats in the same boat. You have my full support Kaz

(Hug) if thats okay of course. Paulxx

[Kazzl]

Thanks Paul - I'm always up for a hug!

If any of my buddies can spare some positive thoughts today I'd be grateful if you send them my way. I have the first meeting about redundancy this afternoon. I'm feeling OK this morning but expect that will change. I was fighting off the anger last night, and I really hope I can get through this in a calm way.

Love to all

Kaz

[Kazzl]

I'm fighting the urge to hide and make my world really small again. I got through yesterday's meeting OK, a few tears, but at least I didn't shred anyone. I wanted to, but I am going to need references from these people.

Today I just want the world to go away and leave me alone. Got to face it though.

Love to all

Kaz

[Ozwarriorchic]

Hi Kaz

So sorry to hear about your work issues. I've been through a few retrenchments myself over the years and they never get easier. Good onya for holding back on the shredding, its not easy I know. Keep your chin up and just vent on here if you need to. Always happy to lend an ear. If you need any advice just shout out.

Ozzy x

[Kazzl]

Hi Ozzy, thank you, that's so kind.

Things have moved quickly since I posted here last. I finish work this Friday. I've had to have some time off since I was told about it, haven't handled it very well and my doctor told me to stay home. I saw my psych yesterday and she was a real help, especially helping me to not take it personally. Now that I've accepted it, I just want it to be over so I can move on.

Sorry to hear you've been through it too Ozzy. It's crap eh. How did you handle it?

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Hi Kazzl, all,

Just poking my head in, as I seemed to have join the BP club this week, BP II mixed state.... been a hellish but fun last 6 months. Particularly after getting put on AD for sky high anxiety and depressive episodes. Only made it worse 😞

So I'm ramping up the mood stabilisers and found what may be a normal version of me, at times 🙂 in between, like right now, the headphones are on, dance music load as it can be, as I feel like I could run a marathon right now! ( I am attempting Melb Mara on Sunday, arrrrgggh).

saw you mentioned/questioned benzos earlier. I was perscribed them for my anxiety, but didn't like the experience, made me too fuzzy in the head, as well as the worry on dependence. In the end they were taken off me and my wife handed the responsibility of managing my medication. In my best interest...

Anyway, doing lots of reading on BP. Plenty making sense, and even my wife is correlating my behaviour, some of it has been there a long time, I've just been better at coping/handling myself.

So I'm glad I've found the forums, and I hope to learn more, and get 'better'....

cheers

[Kazzl]

Hi MallowPuff, welcome to the thread mate. It's good to meet you.

I know what you mean about it making sense - I found that when I was diagnosed, suddenly so much of what what I'd been through in the past fell into place. Quite a revelation. For me it was a mixed blessing, still is really. I finally started to understand why I am like I am and why I've done certain things and thought certain ways. And that was comforting in a way, plus it meant I could get the right medication and treatment (which is going well for me now). And it provided something of an explanation for the times of deep depression for no apparent 'reason'.

But it also brought up a lot of anger and regret - why didn't I know earlier, what might have been different in my life if I'd known. It made me realise that people I'd thought were so wrong in their thinking, times I'd been 'thwarted' with projects that I thought were utterly essential, times I'd pushed people into things because I was so convinced I was right, times I'd reacted badly to small things, flying into a boiling rage ... were my doing, my mistakes, my screwy thinking - bipolar hypomania.

Initially the diagnosis made me extremely cautious - anytime I wanted to do something, anytime I felt good, or angry and frustrated, I analysed myself almost to a standstill. Is this me or this the bipolar? How do I know I'm right, how do I know this is a good idea, am I understanding what that person is saying or interpreting it through a bipolar filter? I started to doubt everything I thought.

I still self-check a lot of my thinking, but since the treatment has settled in, and I've accepted being bipolar and all that comes with it, I am much better at getting on with life now.

You are right to read up as much as you can - learning about the condition, especially the lesser-known or publicised aspects of it (the dailyness of it rather than the more dramatic high or low episodes) has really helped me.

I'm only about six months ahead of you Mallow in terms of learning and accepting the diagnosis, so if there's anything I can share that might be useful, if you have any questions as you come to terms with this, please reach out. It's different for everyone of course, but I'm happy to share my experiences and what I've learned.

Hey - the good news is, even with treatment, the happy highs can still happen. I'm still as silly as I've always been and sometimes that's loads of fun. 😊

Very best to you my bipolar buddy

Cheers

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

" I analysed myself almost to a standstill. Is this me or this the bipolar?"

Part of what is going on now, especially on a few 'issues' that I have trouble explaining, or even taking full responsibility for 😞 how do you accept your past actions, not knowing what state you were in, how much control you really had, and accept some really poor outcomes, without hating yourself so much that it really hurts. I don't do anger, not something I'm good at. I'm usually self confident, plow ahead, keep busy, or alternatively go into avoidance behavior. I don't get angry, don't like it, but all I do lately is get really angry at myself, and then fill with self hatred. It's paralyzing.

Have I led the psychiatrist into this, I've read to much, was I looking for an excuse, to help dilute my responsibility. It can't really be Bipolar. I've certainly got problems, something going on. But sometimes I'm perfectly fine, I can pretend, or I forget any issues, I get on with life. Bipolar is a serious issue, but I've got enough chronic health issues I get to deal with, Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis. Woe is me huh.

But I'm still functioning, I'm a senior manager, leading people, I go to work each day, and yes it's a massive struggle, but if I was truely Bipolar, that couldn't work could it? Or am I just waiting for someone to say - "well yes it can, it just mean's you're strong and amazing and tough". I don't know.

I've also just completed my first ever full running marathon on the weekend. I'd worked all year for this (loved my 'manic' running, hey lets go for a run, at least 20km, at 10pm at night, because I need to!), and 2 weeks ago I nearly called it all off.(there I am, trying label behavior, stupid labels, aren't all runners just like this anyway?).

I should be celebrating, proud, but I feel angry, I've hurt people I love, I've lost my way. Today feels like a shitty black hole. I would normally go for a run right now, but that doesn't work when you're legs are still having trouble with stairs, and had about 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days.

So I come here and rant. I've had enough reading, TMI, I don't know what applies. I don't feel like I'm serious enough to fit Bipolar, I feel like a fraud, riding on the coat tails of a serious condition.

I'm going back to eating 10 choc Freddos for lunch and blame it on the mood stabilisers, no doing their job today huh.

And in the background of my head "just pull yourself together, you're a smart guy, get on with it".