This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Loula]

That's no good you ended up in hospital. I got zero clue why this time it made me sick. I'm drinking water, getting my tests done but well you know how it feels I was just getting worse. Lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Came close to fainting many times but didn't. Be interesting to see what the bloods say.

Did you feel really out of it or physically sick dehydrated if you don't mind me asking?

I just hate the idea of having to try a new medication out. Having that weird feeling on it when you start something new and not knowing if it wil work or not.

This will be my 6th meds they will be putting me on. Just a bit over it. I think I'm going to get a script but not start taking them until the lithium and weird feeling is out of my system and I can have a few days not feeling like I'm in space.

[Loula]

Hey guys might be a bit of a personal question but how do you deal with being in a relationship with bipolar?

Me personally I'm struggling. I feel so bad for my husband having to be married to me. He's a beautiful guy and deserves a person who he doesn't need to follow room to room making sure they don't anything silly. He deserves some one who can give him a family.

I just feel like I'm holding him back. I love him so much I want him to enjoy his life and think it's better if I'm gone.

[Kazzl]

Hi Loula - from what I read, this is a common question for people with bipolar. But it's the depressive side talking, not the reality. When these thoughts hit, we need to be extra careful and mindful - they can be the precursor to the 'they'd be better off without me' suicidal thoughts.

There is no reason why a bipolar person can't be in a relationship with someone they love and who loves them. That's the reality. We have an illness. But we are still us. Would we think someone who is left disabled after a car crash should leave their partners because the partner 'deserves better'? Or someone diagnosed with diabetes?

Share your fears and feeling with your husband hun. Let him in. What you're thinking are loving thoughts, but they are misdirected. He loves you. And you are not defined by this illness.

Hugs

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Loula and Kazz,

kazz has hit the nail on the head with regard to that's the depression talking.And again about communicating. I'm talking more and more to my wife as I become better.ive even given her permission to go. At times I question why she sticks with me. It's because she loves me through my ups and downs through thick and thin. It's been 31 since we walked down the aisle.And I love her. Your husband is sticking by you because he loves you and because you are worth it. Relationships are hard work.Being bipolar makes it a tad harder but we are worth it. Regarding meds I was physically sick and out of it for quite a while.To put it into context though I was very very unwell at the time. I don't like tinkering with my meds. They are prescribed and you need to take them. I know if I take extra, don't adhere to the times I pay a price am either bombed out and tired. In the perfect world we would be on no meds.But I need them and the Times I kid myself and cease taking them I crash physically and mentally. It's just a question of when.So with any changes in meds I listen to the dr and psych and take as prescribed.They take time to work and I know if they don't we will try an alternative medication. They are the experts

regards Len

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

hope work isn't dragging you down. Haven't heard from you in a while.you ok.?Rubber stamped for DBT.. 3 months on emotional regulation for the first part.Fully booked and I'm doing 4 hours in the evening. I'm usually bushed by the evening or flying. Anyway it's supposed to be the bees knees. Onwards and Upwards as they say

cheers Len

[ConfusionPersonified]

Hello all

Ive often dropped in anonymously here but never signed up...this is my very first time reaching out.

Just yesterday I've been diagnosed with bipolar and while I've always secretly suspected it it's still come as quite a blow. I really don't know how to process this. On the one hand, I'm almost relieved to know my behaviour and feelings/thoughts have a label, though on the other I'm confused as to where my 'self' begins and ends and this disorder commences.

I've confided in my mother today though I've always had an extremely strenuous relationship with as she had hidden her entire pregnancy with me, gave birth to me in a catholic institution for unwed mothers and willingly given me up to foster parents before her mother won the battle to get me back, so there was always a reluctance to see me which she rarely did as I grew up, so I'd often thought my depression was just a product of childhood trauma.

She continued on to attempt suicide when I was a teen, and though she'll deny it now she at the time always made it very clear I was not wanted. This I've learned to deal with.

My question to you is...how do I know what feelings I have are just mine, and what is my bipolar? How can I tell the difference? My mother has actually been very supportive after a year of no contact, but I'm so stubborn I don't want every reason I've been upset by others' behaviour to me to be invalidated because of their knowledge of this disorder?

I have my own very justifiable reasons to be hurt by some people in my life, but Im starting to doubt every feeling I have now. How do you all deal with this confusion?!

Thank you all, much love xx

[Kazzl]

Hi Len, thanks for looking for me mate. I'm not real good at the moment. Think I'm about to be made redundant - I've been told there won't be a job for me once my current project is over. It's a big shock, and I'm not handling it well.

I'm glad to hear about the DBT - really hope it goes well. Let me know how it progresses eh?

Kaz

xx

[Kazzl]

Hi Confusion, welcome to beyondblue, and a special welcome to this thread. I was diagnosed in May after 15 years of treatment for clinical depression. Like you, I basically knew before the diagnosis, but it still rocked me. All your questions are very familiar to me ... I've turned myself inside out asking how much of me is me and how much is bipolar disorder.

I also spend a lot of my thoughts now questioning myself - is what I think real or not, do other people think this or is it me being bipolar ... etc etc

Wish I had an answer for you hun, but I haven't worked any of it out yet. I would recommend reading as much as you can though - information is important. There's an excellent blog out of the US called Bipolar Burble by Natasha Tracy - worth a read.

Stick around Confusion, maybe we can work some of this cruel mystery out together.

Kaz

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kaz,

I am really sorry to hear the news of your likely redundancy, as I know your work has been important to you. For all sorts of reasons.

I'm not in a great place myself either lately, so probably not able to offer much support. I only wish I could. But if there is a good side to the decision, it could mean you are better able to concentrate on your own treatment and wellbeing. And the other is that you will have more time to spend with all of us here? We are the fortunate ones if that proves to be the case. (-:

So I am thinking of you and offer you a big hug.

Sherie xx

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

so sorry to hear that. Talk about when it rains it pours, hopefully one door shuts another one opens. I feel for you. I haven't worked for a year but that was a decision my wife and I made together. I'm getting over the guilt of not working. Your health is number one. I was forced into early retirement due to my bipolar, depressive episodes and so on.Work Places can be so ruthless these days. Theres no reward for loyalty these days. I hope things improve in the near future

regards Len xx