Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Thank you so much for replying
Thanks Hanna for sharing and I'm so sorry you have had to hang on minute by minute also

It is something i'm doing also

UPDATE:

Finally got my check-in call at 10:42pm from a very busy and drained doctor. The MH system sometimes is so frustrating. I'm happy he called but omg....nearly 11pm?

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I am glad someone rung you finally.It was a bit late but at least they did ring.I thought the text I had from my ex-wife after 9 pm was late.It is for me I am usually asleep by 7 and awake at 2am yet I wake up so tired and by lunch time I can't do anything.
I have various things that happen to me during the day that trigger me and I don't realise at the time that it will trigger me but later on effects me and can have horrible nightmares.I know what it is like having family family that doesn't talk to you.My family the little I have left rarely talks to me and I tried to ring my brother before I went in for my surgery and never returned my calls so I have given up on him.
Take care,
Mark.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Hugs.

It's so hard having these thoughts.

I know the feeling. Maybe it was a lure, an "escape" for me at the time. I don't really know.

But I think I know WHY now. Exhaustion. Abuse. Horrible ppl in my life and home.
Being forced to go NC with "important" ppl. Family in there too.

I wish I had all the answers and could put them all in a box and gift them to you.

You mean alot to me and to so many people on the forums you've supported with your kindness and compassion.

That box with all the answers to help you will be one of your own making, over time, one day you'll know all that helped you.

For now it seems never ending and exhausting because it is.

Please know you're never really alone.
That there are people here who've trodden the same path.
And recovered.

It may not sound like anything right now to you, I understand.
But loving yourself, showing the same compassion to yourself that you show others, being your own best friend and treating yourself is part of the solution.

Love always
EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony

I"m sorry you had that horrible feeling too and I know it is hard.
You were able to make something beatiful out of it with poetry

I have started recently carrying a notebook around with me and jotting things down, and they are becoming poems.
Sometmes when the poem forms I get anxious and can't continue it - so they are very short right now.
But every so often I'm writing freely and expressing more and more of what i'm going through.

I also draw and write down plans for the day if I feel overwhelmed.
I will check out the poems here

[white knight]

Hi EM

You are so kind EM. We wish we could spread it far and wide.

Sleepy, your attitude is remarkable. You listen, give things a go and have a heart. Amazing person.

Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, make sense to others etc, it can be really personal. It can be used as a gift.

E.g. several years ago I wrote a poem to a woman 13 years my senior. It ended with these words

"You are too young toy be my mother,
But you'll always be a mum to me...."

Or the shortest poem I've written

PETALS OF POWER

Rushing here and there you'll get there soon
But you haven't lived, if you haven't seen a flower bloom...

I hope we here can provide you with inspiration, help you find direction, meaning, purpose and above all...care.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

hi Mark - i can understand the frustation of having someone call you later than u are usually awake

I hope you're sleeping okay... it is hard to feel tired during the day at different times.... i have that too.

I appreciate you writing and making me feel less alone.
You're right that it is good that he called me. I was rejected from seeing a professional I wanted to see with no real reason... to help with my MH. I thought I would be accepted and get an appointment but they rejected me. So the gp sent another referral but he said that doctor is also very busy and might reject it. But at least he sent something.

They have recommended I get out of the house very early in the morning to get some sunlight as they think it will regulate my sleep. Do u get sun in the mornings? i hope it helps

[Hanna3]

Hi Sleepy,

Yep sunlight helps with sleep as it helps your body produce serotonin, which is vital for good sleep.

Glad to see you are hanging in there, good on you. Take care dear lady we do care about you. Hugs.

[Delectable]

Hello Sleepy, I’m sorry that you’re struggling, I myself removed myself from my situation as I was scared of staying home, I just completed a 16km walk along the beach picking up shells and clambering up cliffs, trying to avoid eye contact with people...

You’ve been very kind to me and I hope in return people show you how much of an amazing human being you are...I hope others can help you in this difficult time for you, take care.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony

thank you i do give things a go which works out from time to time...

i love those poems... petals of power is so nice

i used to write quite frequently but lately it's a bit triggering. i want to, though.

i've tried to get some space today...i was people pleasing a bit with some friends checking in on me but at the moment i can only deal with a few ppl i feel close to. Because I don't like to hide that i've been suicidal and yet with acquiantances of course i have to. That's why it's nice to come here. I feel okay to write here

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy and everyone,

Sleepy - I am sorry to find this thread of yours - I hope you are okay. As you can tell from all the kind messages of support you have all of us in your corner. I have been reading some of the threads and seen the self care one where you are absolutely smashing it! Amazing! I lay in bed reading and think gee, I really should do some of that self care stuff...

But unfortunately it is a rough time for me with Xmas alone again - I have been in bed - just waiting for it to pass. Then hopefully some self care tomorrow or maybe in the new year? But staying in bed was self care I suppose today - as it served to avoid the Xmas world hitting me in my lonely face.

Delectable - Hello and good on you for that beach walk today - that was a plan of mine too - but too much sadness. Hopefully next year. I have read a bit of your thread too and things seem pretty tough for you - so double good on you for doing that walk. Inspiring for me.

Take care everyone.