Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Hey I'm sorry, I only just found your thread, and I'm so sorry that you've been feeling bad for all this time.

Big huge hugs!

It's awful trying to leave the house when you feel depressed isn't it. And just knowing that other ppl don't understand- I remember feeling like I was wading thru molasses or somethig, and if i tried to talk to ppl my mouth felt all funny and thick, and by the time I had thought of what to say they had turned away... like being in slow motion... I wish I had known about the BB forums then. I wish we could all join together and have a pj party and watch depressing movies and eat chocolate, and feel better about feeling so damn unwell....

Oh Sleepy families just suck! Some ppl here have beautiful ones, and thats so great, but mine is just one MH struggle after another. And if I try to cut them out of my life I feel worse!

Your mother sounds very unlovely, and difficult to please. Is she always like that?

It's hard when you don't feel like you have any good friends, people who will just stand by you thru thick and thin. True friends are hard to find, most ppl have an ulterior motive. I am constantly being disappointed by ppl. Altho I am probably disappointing ppl all the time as well. There is definitely times when I cannot meet others expectations. I hope tho that A true friend would understand that.

I'm pretty sure that loads of ppl just collect 'friends' so they can look good.

I know so many lonely ppl who cover it up, just like they put make up on in the morning.

One day at a time dear Sleepy. We are all here with you.

I'm glad you are getting sunshine daily, and walking, and eating well too. Thats awesome, and I'm sure you will start to feel better soon. This too shall pass!

Sounds like distraction mite be a good option atm if your book re MH is triggering. Are you finding it difficult to concentrate on words? I remember it being like that for me. Maybe some light reading, or childrens books can be fun. I did lots of journalling, and some drawing with crayons, which often ended in some form of emotional expression....anger or sadness. Two sides of the same coin!

Whatever you do Sleepy, it's ok, you don't HAVE to do anything, and everything you do will help in some way, even if it's knowing not to do that again!

My thoughts are with you, be well soon,

Love

J*

[Guest_4643]

I get what you mean Sleepy, i haven't used the helplines for i think a few months? I can't remember. I just haven't felt like using them and for me personally, I have felt safer and more connected to people here, and not judged. To me these forums feel like a safe place, a safe haven I guess you could say. In a way it's escaping the world kind of, would anyone else agree?

Hi MM, you have every right to hang up and you don't need to feel bad. I have had people I felt lacked experience too and it made me uncomfortable and uneasy, and I felt worse, so I left.

I know on Kids Helpline on the webchat and even emails, I'm not sure with calling, I assume it would be the same, but you can request a particular counsellor and male or female, if you remember their name, or you can request a few if those people aren't available. They're not able to book appointments but they can try and see when a particular counsellor you're requesting will be available. I've had some lovely people on the webchats there and I try to request them when I go on KHL.

Theres also KHL Circles which is sort of like the forums or a group, it's all moderated also.

[Delectable]

Sleepy, I’ve only seen a psych twice in real life, the first when I was 12 and they made opinions from me playing in the sand and the second two years ago as to I was advised nothing was wrong with me, I actually walked out when that happened as I said they know nothing about my past. This is the only option left unless I see the one I walked out on two years ago which would just be a waste of time for me, I go to the gp as I don’t have zoom or the facilities to use it at home. You’re lucky if you can afford those things at home, I cannot stay at home constantly it’s not good for my mh, I certainly cannot live like that day to day, Id rather not exist but we are all different. I’ve had to stay home for the last 4 days due to the bad endometriosis, the go has given me pain relief again and it makes me very sleepy as I can’t do much but lie on my tummy waiting for the pain to go away.

I wish I could send you a bouquet of peonies, that are stunning beautiful fragranced flowers...

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey Sleepy

Just a check in to see how you're going today. I agree it's unfair of a helpline to tell you to "just get over it". Your thoughts and feelings matter. And yes, it is a lonely time of year, if it's not you choosing it. Just know you have good company here that care about you - it's evident on your thread x

Katy

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sleepy, just wanted to see how you're going today?

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable

i never saw therapists as a child or teenager and have heard abuot that where you play and they observe you

Would it not be nice to be told nothing is wrong with u? Or did they say it in a mean way?
I don't think anything is wrong with anyone...

I used to hate thinking about myself as having anxiety and depression and would get angry on helplines when they asked me what my diagnoosis is (it's irrelevant - and I don't have one really... unti recently and even that he said I dont fit it 100 percent and there's nothign wrong with me...)

I think sometimes sadly we almost have to diagnos ourselves. Today I wrote a list of the therapists I've seen throughout my life - there was like 10. I think 3 were good. The others were not.... it's very hard to find a good one. Not impossible, but hard.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy and Tayla

i'm not feeling great. Looking forward to see a GP tomorrow to get a bit of support.

I wasn't sre to go in person or over the phone- will decide tomorrow - he left it open to me

said "i'd be delighted to communicate with u in either way"

okay. lol.

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I think we are all beautiful unique people and don't think theirs anything such as normal.What is normal?

It is very hard finding a good therapist and anyone in the healthcare industry and try to hang onto them when you do find them.

I am sorry you arn't having the best day.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark

How are u? No one is "normal" that's so true... it doesn't mean anything. It's just a word used sometimes to harm.

Being normal is overrated

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I am ok.A bit tired and had a bit of a busy day with the kids.Just relaxing now with the kids.
Mark.