The exhausting guilt of needing a "mental health day" (Burnout relapse)

[Guest_10343]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading the posts in this section for a while, and it brings me a lot of comfort to know I'm not the only one on this rollercoaster. I’ve been managing chronic anxiety and depression for a few years now. For the last six months, I genuinely thought I was doing well. I had a routine, I was managing my triggers, and I felt like I was finally moving forward.

But this week, I just hit an absolute brick wall.

Yesterday morning I woke up completely paralyzed by anxiety and that heavy, dark fog of depression. The mere thought of getting dressed and going to work made me want to sob. I knew I needed to take a mental health day, but honestly, the "admin" of being sick is sometimes the hardest part. I couldn't even face the thought of getting out of bed to sit in my local GP’s waiting room just to prove I was unwell. I ended up just using Hola Health on my phone to get a quick telehealth medical certificate for work, turned my phone on silent, and slept for most of the day.

While I know I physically and mentally needed the rest, today I am just drowning in guilt.
I feel like I’ve let my team down, and worse, I feel like I’m failing at my own recovery. I know logically that "recovery is not linear" (as another member so beautifully posted recently), but when you are back in the weeds, it feels like all that progress was a lie.

How do you all deal with the guilt of taking time off when you have a relapse? How do you accept that you need a break without your brain telling you that you are just being "lazy" or taking a step backwards?
Thank you all for always being such a safe, understanding space. Just typing this out makes the burden feel a tiny bit lighter.

Sending strength to anyone else having a rough week.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello!

First of all, I want to say well done you for taking that mental health day! You have done the right thing by yourself, and by extension your employer too, as burnout would only put you in a position of struggling more and more at work. I say that as someone who was exactly like you in the jobs I've done. I'd feel guilty for taking time out that I desperately needed, even though I was someone who worked so hard when at work and was always doing my upmost best. I think those of us who burn out are the same people who feel guilty about taking time off, and they are kind of two sides of the same coin. I think the tendency to take on guilt itself uses up a lot energy, which in turn can contribute to more burnout.

I know it sounds easier said than done, but I think it is possible to eventually get to a point where you feel more relaxed about everything and when you do need a rest day, you can truly rest without the guilt. It's a kind of letting go and knowing that you need and deserve the self-care. I'm guessing you really give your best at work. I also think some of us are more sensitive souls and are more impacted by everything, so we hit that burnout point faster and more often than others. And then there is the conditioning some of us grow up with. I learned to put pressure on myself from early in life due to the circumstances at the time and I was certainly not taught to be aware of myself, thus I would push myself to the point of burnout, like I wasn't aware of my own body and limits. Perhaps for you too there is some early conditioning, or inherited patterns of being? I think there can certainly be a perseverance drive which can inevitably lead to burnout.

So, anyway, I hope you can know and feel from within that you haven't taken a step backwards. You are human and you did what was needed, and that is actually taking wise responsibility for your health. Perhaps taking some time for some peaceful meditation or gentle movement, or anything that connects you with your body and the present, might help? Many years ago a physiotherapist taught me some tai chi moves. When I do actually do them, preferably outside in the garden, I really feel my body become more present and it can calm those fears connected with past and future projections of guilt and worry.

Wishing you a gentle and peaceful remainder of the week 🙏