Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Star if you knew what a dif you being here for me.
Thought was goin back up but just heard have to come up with $500 more bloody bond money, if they'd said a few mths or yr ago could have.Survived compulsive gambling (kicked it 13 yrs ago) it'll work out but set me off.
Still trying to recover from hell with nerve causing sweet BA sleep & 3 doses of mania (shorties) all takes it's toll. Ok around people Usual happy self but atm bawling head off. SOOOOOO sick of BLOOODY CRYING.

Above & what I say to people here is on the right track I think but how the hell do ya put it into practice.

Rarely come outta BP without major depression the others mild which for an average person is probs OMG what's going on.

Told Doc yesday magic bloke where I'm at a good possibility.

The lows, hells a word it's beyond there. Like your broken into 100 pieces, the mongrel beast gets hold of EVERYTHING that's ever hurt & slams without pause. Said here through the worst of grieving with BP on top which equates to heavy grieving without other stress on it very nearly took me to the edge again, got scared, got help. It brings it all up again and again like it's fresh all over. I miss him and think all the time & between can cope. BP slammed throughout & still is
Tears flooding but not overly depressed, not to the level it takes ya, but can't shake the wrong choice thoughts, I don't wanna give in to the MUTT again but IT does & soo damned powerful.

Edited beyond now, the top reason I don't wanna hurt people, have started talking to few some I can't they've lost too many & besty lost her son same yr as my darling, to soften the blow if it does happen and I'll say goodbye if time comes. Only still possibility.
Ya know the ones that think they can't help or don't know what to say, they're the ones that have by what they've said.

Star I'm at the point if I get the big C or something else horrible that'll do for an excuse

Avoided this but for survival gunna have to dump on certain friends if they're up for it in the worst times, can't keep going like this without help in those times. Held off all this time cause it's sooo heavy & WILL pull em down. Drowning.
Might put a time frame on how much longer I'm prepared to battle this, am learning but gotta be now not later

Sorry for downs & thankyou what you said 🙂
How's job kidneys & you

[demonblaster]

so looks like going into another cycle that'll be the 4th this episode. Past experience that hasn't happened for ages which use to be the bigger ones it'l be a higher mania. Superb, can handle but not the other end ...YET. last 4ish nights awake early as, and the depression & from everything else. Haven't had these early signs for ages.I'ts the only reason apart from pain that I don't sleep unless in a cycle
Eyes are feeling like glass & heavy but couldn't get back to sleep, sooo tired. On the huge ones (type 1's) eyes use to at times feel like there was sand in them. Roar with exhaustion.

Can't yet see a balance to reach cause to avoid going deeper into down ya work on pulling up for me it's around people talking, laughing, convo etc, but it's taking me back into cycles by the looks & what Doc said what's gone on recently with pain, pain relief, whacked sleep etc it's thrown system into disorder, downs no dif to usual mostly.

Concluded but still very reluctant gunna have to ask some friends if I can call on them and completely shed in the extreme times, just wanna be able to release completely cry talk & be hugged biggly. Tho I talk about BP a lot avoid doing this it'll really pull them down but absolutely can't see any other way, it's also distraction after releasing, can usually pull up with it (distraction) temporarily anyway. It's about survival & this place ya go is so frightening where ya go. You get desparate. This is survival.

Crying, nice change.

This mutts had me all life, remember as a child couple of times having this same deep depression on occasion.
Don't want it to take me again but damn it's powerful but then so am I just have to keep learning how to be.

Thanks to beyond Now I"m editing and thinking.
Top reasons to stay.
1) Don't wanna hurt people (a lot
2) Partner, sil (sis in law & others don't have a choice leaving, wanted to live
3) Like helping people (volunteer with special needs tt (table tennis, they'd be hurt hard too
4) IT (beast wins again. Don't wanna die this way
5) believe it can be beaten. Can help others when I do
6) unknown future
7) It passes

Added some now, trouble is in lows none of this except hurting people really gets through.

At least I've got here to vent too

Thx listening
6) Hope

[Starwolf]

Just look at it this way, DB. Would it be fair to deny your friends an opportunity to support you ? These are words constantly repeated by suicide victims' loved ones : IF ONLY they'd shared their pain with us...we could have done/said something to help ease their suffering. Why did they turn away from us instead ? Why were we thought unworthy of their trust ?

Your friends deserve your trust as much as you deserve their support. Love and pain are closely related, just because we feel for our loved ones. A fact of Life. Unavoidable. You need to shed some of the overload weighing you down.

There's always a gap between intellectual understanding and feeling something deep enough in your bones to be able to act on it. This gap between what we think should be right and what we can actually do is another stressor to be ditched. Another unavoidable part of the process. Please keep in mind that IT thrives on stress. Replacing "should", "must", "ought to" with "I'd rather", "it would be better if" means ditching demands with preferences. Being more flexible, preferences are not such big deal if they don't happen.

When nagging thoughts came to plague me, I cultivated the habit of feeling the out breath act as a plunger, to push thoughts down from head to toes and eject them underground via the soles of the feet. Sure, they come back but the action can be repeated too. With persistence, I found that offending thoughts eventually did calm down and recurred less often. Visualization works best if it involves other senses too. This must be done as soon as negativity rears its head, not after we've already been swept by its undertow.

I'm with you re money worries. I'm broke, just forked out car rego, received a hefty winter power bill and just learned my rates have gone up. Installment strategies will need to be worked out. Did you know that Lifeline has free advisors who can approach creditors re payment plans ? You did so well, ditching gambling. You don't need that extra stressor right now. There are other ways. Approaching charities if stuck is one of them.

You are doing well with distraction. Too much thought churning only leads to being swamped by our problems, struggles and flaws.

[demonblaster]

Ahh Star my rock if it wasn't for you and Chooky yeah I'd probs still post but would feel so alone here, you're a rock I can't thank you enough & knowing that you've got them at a "heel" makes it more, words where are they.
Thankyou from deep I won't forget

Few tears but not many atm, got psych related help visit today, weekly so that's at least a good.

Feeling a bit too good considering the past nearly two mths but with luck maybe this mania won't happen, if I remember it'd take a 2/3 days to come on after the whacked sleep. Time will tell just need to spend the next 2/3 days sleeping if I can but am feeling a bit of energy, which isn't in this sit a good thing indicating it's coming on again, ups fine and manageable it's the other end for me. Have the downs before which I did have badly other day but for me (usually others from research it's worse before) is on the coming down side.

Yeah started thinking what you've said in past and previous post about trying to curb it before it comes on hard which I'll start working on, learning so much here and in head.

Phoo asked chooky (still not sure if in denial or not re in love but we do have a solid good friendship growing stronger and our time's soo good, she does see me as good friend, not open like me with saying stuff like that but asked one day and definate YES) if I can lean on her and said it's heavy as and will others if I ask that they can say no. I KNOW if I can take the mask off, not saying I'm false, not at all, am genuine but in hard times ya pull up so not to pull others down put on a good face but what I need (Jeez this brings out the waterworks aye) is to be able to let out the raw deep pain with someone & let the uncontrollable sobbing heart wrenching crying happen and tell em how it is exactly but as I said to her if I saw a friend that way I'd be devastated & sooo worried. She said she doesn't know cause she wouldn't know what to say and I think another friend who was there for me other day same situation will say same, has in past.
Honestly I don't know if I can do this to people but GOD I can't see any other ways to get through this in those times, (mop please). Btw really good what you said first two paragraphs, the rest too but you are right

There's about 7 that I wanna ask Docs fine about it but booked heavily so dunno, and the other friends not sure if I can go there with them tho few of have said they're there if I need them. Want face to face which difficult.

Thankyou rock

[demonblaster]

Star being broke's the pits, no security constant nagging worry aye. One thing I learnt from gambling thanks to time is somehow we always get through and look back. Seems things bundle don't they, tho I'd rather have all at once which is crap than spread out over a long period.

Was starting to think along same lines bout must, have to, etc cause it adds pressure. Thanks I'll work at that.

Tried sleep after psych visit which was good, she's a great chooky helps
Got some but very interrupted, brains not in normal mode, the amount I've had over such a long period and how I felt often I shoulda passed out. Nah.

Pretty down again, GOD will the day come that I don't friggen cry. SOOO over this sh.
Need to work out if suicide's still an option in "normal" pffttt times. That'll be a biggy if it's not cause then I can be aware which it probs is the beast doin it's bit, so need to put IT in a chained box far away.

Ya know when someone here's down and/or suicidal my natural instinct is to wanna help them get back up.
Chooky (? in love) said why? I said there's hope, she said use that. Gold. Didn't think to say I know how low they are to be even considering.

I'm not intending yet, hating that the mutts back in mind as an option. I do believe & you're one of many that's proof it can be controlled if not beaten. I'm determined until it gets it's grip. I have learnt which is very hard to do is try not to go with self pity, acknowledgeing yes but it slides from there.

The places ya go are frightening aye desparation kicks in hard which i guess is survival just thought.

I feel soo alone, yet have a lot of love. At least starting to like myself more, not there fully but a start anyway

Could you plz tell me more about the Electro magnetism Star. I'm better learning this way than reading it up but wanna one day too. Any info you have about depression if ok thx

I know we have to push through and it's been rewarding doing so but between cycles I think the head just needs to chill, recover there's nothing, the only times I have motivation is in mania. Think if I can learn to push through maybe it'll settle. Balance. Tho mostly sticking with walking. Not much lately, mostly so stuffed can't get mojo and need to rest up but goin tomoz no matter what hope.

I'll try that releasing the thoughts

Hope you're doin ok, health recovering better. Are you happy? work?

Thx listening & time 🙂

[Starwolf]

Brain mechanics and related electro-magnetic reactions causing emotions is too complex a subject to take on here. Too time and characters consuming, not practical.

As mentioned before, NIMH-Brain basics explains it all in simple terms and allows for further research in whatever direction you choose to. Like with all machinery, learning the mechanics means we're better equipped when it comes to fixing malfunctions.

How am I ? Thank you for asking. I am going through one of those phases when everything that could possibly go wrong does. Being in charge of my emotions, instead of being controlled by them allows me to muddle through, one step at a time, without worrying about the rest. Saving energy. I've had a lot of practice over the years... 🙂

[demonblaster]

Ok Star yeah I wanna look up stuff and learn more and I WILL, just have so much trouble doing things.

Agree totally it's about emotional control that I'm tooooo slowwwlyyyyy working on but at least am making some excuse pun 🙂 head way.

Bumma that we get rammed with heaps in one hit, good on you having control, mammoth. Hope & sounds like you'll hack it all but sorry you've got grief going on.

Woke up today first time in last few wks feeling quite good, could be mania starting or coming out other side, nearly had some tears but managed to stem, (emotional control). Started thinking about combatting the beast but something goes on that blocks it but I"m VERY stubborn so will keep at it. Probs the beast not wanting good outcomes. Getting more sleep helps no end too. Long way off but good.

Walked hills again yesterday and excercises for neck helped too.

In process of giving up durries (Joy) but having more money & better health will be fantastic. Have no choice, they've killed me financially, pffftttt.

Thanks as always for reply & time

Take good care 🙂

[demonblaster]

Yeah well at least there was happiness for a short time & there will be again, had another knock this morning, can't really go into it here, I'm not a bad person at all, opposite but is Karma & deserved, doesn't do anything for self esteem though.

Possibility I'm gunna have to move near or distant future, couple of reasons looking that way, but not stressing too much although have been here longest I've lived anywhere in Oz or anywhere full stop apart from living at home with parents as a youngy, fully secure & safe here but OK with change, though have a fair few friends here and around but where are they, can stay anytime with a few, know there's love but people are so busy with their own lives. Also hard cause here the longest we (late beautiful partner) lived anywhere as a couple, would feel like I'm leaving him behind, but not cause still will have things that we got together and his chair etc

Apart from hurting people, somethings at least stopping me make the choice, need to work out what it is so I can reinforce at times like now. Not liking it's becoming more and more an option.

Lonely not alone as I thought, but have love which is a lot more than many have.
Frigged if I know atm but really need to get on top of this rot. Gunna crash (sleep) soon maybe that'll help.

Over these deep downs & this isn't the worst of, but will get through sometime, until the next I guess.

There is strength though otherwise I'd just do it so survivals still strong enough for now.

Don't wanna be whinging all the time either but it's an outlet at least, still can't although thinking lot what you said Star about telling people exactly how it is. I encourage others to yet don't practice what I preach.

Walked, talked, rang few not home or busy visited one friend, still pretty bloody average.

On saying all this I DO believe we all have it in us to get through.

Friggen over it atm though

Sorry for constant negative sh

[demonblaster]

I hate that leaving's an option again, it's ok to cry its an outlet, in that case I should be on top of the world God knows there's been a lot.

Was waiting for takeaway, hate crying in public too but ya just can't hold the suckers back, turned & looked at a lovely quiet elderly couple eating their food in perfect harmony. Ageing would be such a hard thing, the body & mind goes into fail in so many areas, pain,loss, closer to leaving which most don't want

It made me cry more but thought those lovely people don't wanna die.

Hate that I'm entertaining this way too often, still have survival happening, need to concentrate on that more I guess

Not sure where to turn, how to hack anymore. Getting too much too often

[Starwolf]

Hey DB, no reason to apologize for the way you feel. Kudos instead for using this outlet. That's what it's here for.

To some extent we're all guilty of not taking a leaf out of our own book. It is emotions that keep us from doing so. Where others are concerned, we can see things more objectively because we are emotionally detached from he situation.

Reading through this thread, what jumps at me is the constant fight and struggle involved. No wonder you are feeling exhausted. But how can waging war against the electro-chemical swings in your brain stop them happening ? At the best, coping strategies can help manage them when they happen but do they suppress the next round ?

Have you considered acceptance as alternative ? Acceptance doesn't mean giving up. Far from it. It means pausing to view the issue from a different angle. We're all different but acceptance is what saved my own skin. Acceptance that struggling against something I couldn't change only served to exhaust myself into desperation. With desperation came thoughts of desperate measures. It was time for a different approach.

Learning as much as I could about the "enemy" allowed me to stop banging my head against a brick wall, pause and consider...a formidable weapon. The more I understood what it was made of, the better equipped I became to escape its control. The more I considered IT as object under observation instead of an enemy to fight, the less personal it became. Objective research put emotions on hold. A welcome reprieve. "Befriending the enemy" can give us sway over it. Navigating the forums shows that acceptance has been a huge step towards recovery for many. I am not the exception.

Perhaps it is not for you. But I hope it will at least provide food for thought. A change of perspective can change everything. It could help give yourself the break you so much deserve.