Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

 

4,867 Replies 4,867

Peps Grandy. SO need those 🤗 Was going to see a bloke for one but he works was probs too early & doesn't care in this way. Didnt feel I could handle probable rejection.

Grandy I could & they encourage at one of the MH groups to ring eachother. Can't put this on them esp MI people. Good suggest thanks. Need a professional.

Mental torture, the second I woke Bout bloody 5am don't think I hsd sleeper last night. Not a good sign needing them at this point in episode. My mind pushed and pushed till near breaking point with ANY pain it could remember. Hard being mindful straight on waking. The 😭 was a good outlet. The walk to get friggen smokes I may as well be doing drugs the poo I'm in💲 but I'll get there been worse off by far. The walk helped no end. Saw a lady I don't know well. Always friendly smile and hi. Not crying as much by then she saw I wasn't my usual happy She was beautiful came over slowly. Asked. I said the usual MI rot. She was so kind gentle and caring. Said come and say hi if I out sarvo. Said I should but not sure (I'd go but if any of the click grief me it could go either way, it'll hurt and I could go off, not lose my head, past that stage but shred them verbally in temper which apart from I don't wanna be doing anymore it'll hurt them myself and kinda ethically (think the word) being in leadership I need to keep my cool) Hard to believe I know they like me, yeah way to show it! let their rot out on me. Mostly I fight back not always. Same bunch from other place I was going solidly. Yet one was so plessed to see me last time we kiss on lips not pash. Sigh. PEOPLE! Love em/not.

Headaches bordering just to add to the joy.

Smiles/hi to strangers walking quick comments occasionally and other I hadnt seen in a while quick chat. Looking at beauty, changed a hill on way home, heard Shelly say in walking thread all lifted me. Feel like I've been through the ringer. Pulled out for now. I CAN do this but not alone. Peps seeing psych later this mth wasnt sure if I was going to postpone. She's very good. Making some things clearer.

Do they do intensive help if we're not at risk to others or myself. Thoughts only because it's so incredibly hard but I don't think I'll act on it. Does anyone know

Grandy you move me deeply.

Yesterday or before I read back and you guys your support lifted me outta hards again

Thank you 🤗

Love☘ G 💑💜


Ggrand
Community Champion

Good morning lovely Deebi,

It is again a beautiful day, and I’ve been sitting here thinking about how concerned I am about you but at the same time my admiration/respect I have for you.

If I was with you at yours today,mi would ask you to take me for a walk to and along the beach...take our shoes of, and feel the sand massage our feet as we walk, then as we reach the waters edge the water would be freezing and we would be jumping and laughing trying not to get our feet wet, 😂😅🤣..while jumping around we are splashing each other with little sprays of cold salty water, then we decide because we are all splashed over and drunk from giggling that we will have a splashing competition to see who can splash the other person the most...🤣😂😆..oh what fun we would have....Then after the beach we would jump into a 🚁 and fly to mine.

Ah now I would take you for a walk down to the state park for walk around the area... We would walk past the kiosk, past the huge caravan park and cabins until we come accros the bush path, we would walk along that,.there are so many kangaroos along the trail, they have been fed by tourist and hang out here now,,,so wrong ..and I did wrong to mumjo......we would see, rather big lizards scurrying away from us, we would see echidnas and turtles, koalas, wombats, possums, so many of our beautiful creatures they are all over the place here...okay your getting tired now..then I would take you to the kiosk, I would buy some yummy fish and chips, then we would walk over to the look out and sit down and eat them while we take in the fantastic view of the dam, which is bigger then Sydney harbour, it really is spectacular from up here.

Now I would take you back to mine, make a cupola, sit out front on my veranda and we would look at the mountains, trees, and sky, listening to whistle of the wind as it moves through the leaves of the giant gum tree right out front of mine, listen to the birds and my so many wing chimes making soothing calming music, I’d say o you just close your eyes and listen, feel and be apart of this. then I think you would just release some pain, lean on my shoulder then have a very relaxing restful and deep sleep for an hour..then I would cry because I have to put you back into the 🚁 and say goodbye.

What a fun day we had today...beautiful memories sweetheart, ok memories can be made also from our imagination..

Much love honey..deeply and caringly..💜💜🦄👼..with hugs and peace...🤗🤗🕊🕊.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼🌹🕊.

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Oh Grandy how I'd LOVE that,Thank you for giving me some virtual peace. and for being you.

Darlin I don't even know atm if I'm back in mania, sure doesn't feel it. The other day was a little spurt and yesterday stopped the pump with meds.
The light bulb moments are real & they're also giving me some hope that one day I'll be able to remember and set it in. I CAN do this. It's hard saying all this when you have MI. I don't blame people thinking she might be delusional, but how do you convince people it's real and there are flashes of brilliance (sounds conceited. Far from it).

Said this before, I think the reason for me anyway I'm going through this is the more it happens the more I'm getting it in my head to make some big contributions to MH awareness and changes. If I don't get onto the help I need sooner than later ...thinking before I speak here...as I've said at this stage I'm pretty firm on not making the wrong choice, either that or which I know I'm still rational, how to say it...there's been times and was this episode and others on meds so no dif that one more comment or thing happen I've felt like I'd lose my mind. This morning crying like a baby helped no end and the rest. Posts not landed yet all helped. Something in me stopped me going down further. Not the Blacks but another level of hell. Atm ok. Going to cold cloth my eyes soon.
What many don't realise is pretty much all of us are affected by MH issues and many are out there undiagnosed. Not only suicide 8 a day is it in Australia, multiple peoples pain can be managed or overcome.

I've got qualities esp in mania, new psych said these qualities in mania are in me which made me realise even if I don't like some of them if I can tone them down & use them to make a difference to MH. Scares the hell out of me going under the line again into the Blacks but know to be able to work through it all I'll have to have the walls down to work through it all effectively. I can do it but not alone.

We can speed it up (yes part impulse) true though. Have ideas. MH needs more attention I know how this all sounds, trust me I'm not being irrational and have no intent on being radical.

Grandy you mean the world. Thank you so much and everyone. I'll find a way to get the help I need. Thank god for here that I can vent and unload. Means the world you all do. (( x ))

Ggrand
Community Champion

Hey sweety Deebi,

2 posts of Your has just popped up here. I posted the morning one before these two landed....

Please ring something today...suicide callback or Mental Health Australia...I ring the latter one..Mental Heath Australia..(MHA).because they .will pass the conversation you have with them to your Psychiatrist and gp and usually the same person is on all day and will ring you back.....They never asked if I’m bi polar or on meds. and I didn’t offer then the information, they care honey.... please give one or the other a ring today if not for you.....then please do so for me... I know how deep and scarey we go and yes so very scarey..... I’ve been their a few times.

Please Deebi....ring...its not hard to do...pick up your phone and ring them and just pretend it’s me on the other end until you become comfortable to talk....they are professionals but they speak like us....not cbt or other, just normal conversation and they do help.....

Im sorry if i sound a little pushy but your way over their Where ever that is and I’m all the way back here...please Deebi. You said you would look after you..ringing a helpline is the best way to look after you now....

Please no okay,......Please don’t be afraid of being to much for me....I love you and would be devastated if you even thought that...Please believe my words...I mean everything I have ever said to you Deebi....I’m here right by your side, holding you ain my arms...never will I let you go...we need each other to pull each other up...in it together precious friend of mine...💜🦄👼👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...your in my heart..

Grandy..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🦄👼🕊..

Ggrand
Community Champion
Deebi. I'm sorry hun. I posted the above before two of yours landed explaining your struggles.. .I have posted one in reply to you calling helpline. hoping it lands soon .Grandy.. .L&C...

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member

Thanks lovey no probs. I'll keep an eye out,

going to go for another walk to clear my head more. That was a really rough one but feeling a lot better now, tender but more ragged now 🙂

(( L&C ))

Dear Pepstar thank you darlin for your kind words and ongoing support. Appreciated everything you said xx Sorry I didn't reply properly to you it was pretty frantic this morning. It's fantastic but I'm not sure what's going on atm, I know the bits that helped & talking here SO much sorry guys.
It could be that I'm getting more of a grip, doesn't sound it I know but use to be so much worse, no picnic for sure but getting there. Hoping my heads starting to rewire.

Happy with this psych she's explaining things & easing my mind including, Fairness and why. Strategies I'm really slow doing but getting there. Heads South so often it takes everything I've got to get through.

Eye tired from crying but ok atm. Doesn't feel like mania again but who'd know. I'm not trusting yet that from this morning to now. It's adjusting to it all. Anyhoo time will tell definately still in BP down going by this morn.

I'd like to see her more often, when I see her end of this mth I'll ask then.

Love and clovers dear Peps 🙂 (( hugs ))

Grandy hi me again 🙂 Thanks again it was really rough but got out pretty quick compared to previous.
I tried Suicide call back but was ok by then and they were busy so I didn't want to take up other peoples time.
MH I'll check if the one you said is same number. I don't have a psychiatrist atm and GP soon long holidays. I've rung them at times in the past in REALLY bad shape, same if you don't want meds rah rah. I get it they have to work priorities but geez spend a minute in my head when I'm ringing them, often feel brushed off. You weren't pushy and I know where you're coming from x

I do believe you now. Sorry took so long. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend and everything you have on your plate. Angel x
It relieved me you saying about the card, rang her just before, hard to understand the poor darling, I'll try and get it finished by the end of w/e. So hard in these times.

Big love (( x )) always.

Ggrand
Community Champion

Hello Sweet Deebi,

Hiya honey..it’s me again..😁 I hope I’m not annoying you, I know you say I don’t, but I’m beginning to think I’m annoying a lot of people here, I think I talk to much and about nothing special...I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️...

Deebi.I’m very very pleased with your last paragraph..you really made me feel more calmer, relaxed, because until you believed me I have been scared you never believed me and you might move away.......Thank you for believing my words...👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, it means more then you know.....

Thats okay Deebi, (MHA)..I find the best, if I need to ring..,

Deebi, your gp going on holidays, he/she should get a replacement gp until s/he comes back....I still haven’t seen my mhn, gp, psychologist again yet since they decided to make two different teams...Mhn is calling in mine tomorrow, she has left a msg on my phone...?

Thats okay with the card.. Your friend understands and loves you for doing it. I’m certain of that....Oh wow sweety I read somewhere here you do calligraphy, I so much love that, the pretty lettering, looks amazing don’t they...I tried once but I am not good at crafty things anymore...Well done.. I can imagine you would behave fun doing the letters...The card your making must be amazingly beautiful..

I really hope your doing good Deebi, and your day today was a good day.....Im always here for you sweetheart, The days are getting warmer, I’m not a fan of summer, I like winter more....

Take really good care of you beautiful friend....

big love and warm hugs...💜🤗🕊.

Grandy..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🦄👼 ..xx..🕊🕊..

Hi wonderful DB (waves to Grandy and all),

Let us help you gently wipe away your tears and give you some affectionate super soul hugs. It must have been an emotional time for you...I’m glad you started feeling a little better by the time you wrote the post though...

Oh, don’t even worry about it. Please don’t apologise. It sounds like you had a lot happening...I’m just happy to hear from you 🙂

I’m glad you have this space to talk as it sounds like it’s helping you to process your thoughts and feelings, which is great.

Hopefully your psych can see you more frequently. That would be fantastic!

Love and super soul hugs,

Pepstar xoxo

Ggrand
Community Champion

Good Moning deebi,

I am hoping that your headache has choofed off and your lifting up a little, I would love it if you were lifting up a lot, but even a little bit is an achievement and so much welcomed by us...

I hope you day today is a good day special friend...I watched the sunrise this morning, I woke at around 3.30am and wanted to talk to you but didn’t want to wake you...although I did do a sneaky peeky look and you were gently breathing in a nice rhythm and you looked so cute, I decided to let you sleep.Now the sun is up, a new day has been born...the birds are singing, the trees are dancing in the slight breeze I thought okay, it’s time I wished you a great day today, and let you know that you are so much deeply loved my treasured friend...and I’m thinking about you, wishing you all the best wishes that today will bring....

Not sure if you have an out today, but if you do I hope that you get some as well as give some hello warm hugs....if no out then please honey, feel my special hug 🤗 and love 💜 for you through the screen...

When I sneaky peeky looked I left you some, bacon, eggs, tomatoes and a couple of hot buttered toasts...and a hot pot of tea and hot mug of coffee, sugar, milk..... please honey sit somewhere in the sun, maybe balcony and ..oops I forgot put this beautiful 🌹 in a vase in the middle of your breakfast setting and enjoy a very yummy breakfast with mindfulness in your thoughts....

Enjoy your day,,precious....love you very much..goes deep..

please everyone enjoy today...you all detergent it so very much..take time to smell the flowers, feel the warmth of the sun, look at the amazing trees, and deep breath that beautiful sweet fresh air...

Lots of love and hugs..🤗💜..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼..xxx🕊🕊