Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wondeful DB and all,

I’m so glad Grandy and birdy were both there for you in what must have been the very early hours of this morning...I hope you managed to get some sleep afterwards.

The lows are always hard. I’m glad you achieved your goal of not letting it take you any lower. What strength and determination you have...I’m proud of you, DB.

Also, I felt it was very courageous that you spoke up at the MH group. I’m hoping the initial awkwardness after that conversation will subside over time. It’s a positive sign that they seemed to take it reasonably well....

Also, an enormous thank you for the beautiful post you left on my thread. You’re a wonderful friend ❤️

Love, choccy bars and super soul hugs,

Pepstar xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hi dear Peppy

You're a beautiful person thank you.

Wow yeah I was blown away, wasn't expecting anyone to be around that could talk. It was such a relief seeing Grandy and of course our beautiful Birdy, you have a way with words hun, I couldn't add anything. I've thought and said same to Birdy, I read her posts and am so moved with support to others and myself. Grandy as well so I was very lucky this morning.

For yonks I've been meaning to apologise to you. When I did the thanks to Starwolf thread, I did look up tribute and it said it's also thanks (gist anyway) I copied what you'd said and hadn't asked you first. My apologies and that it's taken so long to remember to talk to you about it. xx

The good thing too with speaking up more at the meeting, it's also released a lot of pressure is there wasn't any awkwardness after so again credit to them. I was so happy that I managed in heavy BP to keep my head and speak clearly and within reason and stuck to the points. Saw the bloke yesterday, looks like he doesn't know which suits me fine though he said he'd had a few days really down, wondering if that incident contributed but could have been anything. He's very well liked.

Hope your days better lovey and you're very welcome hun. Speaking truth only (( love ))

[demonblaster]

Again thank you SO much Grandy and Birdy for being here. Nearly rang here, mammoth for me to call but I knew if I did I'd come undone more.

I'll have to work out what the best thing to do in BP. I'm over not doing social events when in BP, but am doing a lot too. I think when I'm at the lowest God I don't know, it's saved me for short periods too. The other day I said I'm in BP to family yet a couple of blokes were still laughing at me. It's pretty obvious, ok sometimes maybe not but they were. I was all over the shop being so damned tired and the only way I can pull up is talk more but I listen too. If only they knew. I know they love and the other likes me but seriously where do people get off laughing at others. I'll never understand that. I'm ok to tell them but not in BP, too fragile and could go off.

Today in bad shape, walked ignoring beasty & took a bloody hard hill home. Chatted to a Kiwi lady for a bit and other that I know so a tinsy better. Have two outs tonight, one I'm guilty and need to go if I can get a lift, really don't want to, the other I'd like to swing but not sure if I'm in the right head space for either.

Different levels of depression. The few other day (Beyond hell) pulled through tho it had me so must keep remembering that. SO happy about it. This is crap but reckon I can get through. I can cause I beat the other which is way worse. Going back to bed soon for as long as po.

I want to supervised go off the other med, think for self care to wait till the next one comes, that's what I did recently and not much at all dif. Need to recover from this and not risk another potential mania and the rest. I'll do what they want tho but even if in about 3 wks to have the goods and strength back to handle it. I think this was closer than the usual 5/7 wks apart. Possibly mini manias in the past were due to forgetting meds,downs the same.

Not great atm but I can do it! Be a shame to cave in now when I've held up this far. Just wanna cave in and cry my bloody eyes out, already have.

Thank you everyone (( x ))

Grandy we're going to get this rot! Hope you got some sleep xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

When I got home yesterday it was dark, t was around midnight, after the psych I didn't want to go home, but I ended up coming home..i just made a cuppa and decided to take a look on bb, when I seen your post...I'm pleased I could help you..

Good for you going for a walk when you are in bad shape, you are so courageous and strong Deebi, a big hill as well, Please don't hurt your archillis or back, take it gentle on yourself.💜🌹....

Sleep as much as you can today, Its up to you about your outs tonight's, just be aware your so very important and need to concerntrate on getting yourself well..If outs help you and you feel like it then enjoy your outs honey..Do only what you feel is best for you...

Love you very much Deebi, 🦄 i mean that, not just words, 💜🌹🕊..I do worry about you I suppose it's like in r/l you/we visit our friends to know they are okay, here we listen to our friends to hear if there okay because we can't visit, these threads are a kind of visit...Sorry I'm not making sense I better go, speak later. believe in yourself Deebi, you will get through this..your a bright shining light to so many here...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕊🌹Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Darlin you're such a great friend I mean that too. Glad you mean it and not just words, thank you. I do feel close to you.

Hun I was reading back a fair few through Mandys thread, others and mine and I'm not going to let it pull me down but I can empathise support and do care but there's stuff all that's constructive. Anyway I'll stop there cause getting emotional. One more thing I'll slip in, when I read what other people say, now the tears are coming. They write so well with such meaning and heart and to the point and can either do it in a few sentences or with content. Don't worry about replying to this. It's true not beasty sod talking for a change. I'm not good enough. Maybe when I get a bloody grip on this rot. Glad I didn't go through with CC. Honestly I doubt I'll ever get to their callibre. Was reading some replies they made to someone the other day which I didn't thumb, they're in a class of their own and so are you and many others here. I'm happy staying where I am. Don't particularly feel deserving of this either lately.

Anyhoo glad I can't get a lift tonight. The guilt's eating me not going but physical & atm MH stopping me. I'm committed to it but not standing much by it. Probs better anyway cause there's two that bulllied me at other place I was going even though I care about the idiots and one I often tell him he gives me a hard time. The other I'll pick my time, he has MH too. What the... some people just think it's ok to let their rot out on others cause apart from being a talker I've done nothing wrong by them. Welcome to my life. The other I might if I'm awake to bus there in time go to cause I can catch a lift home if she goes. Doubt it though, probs end up crying.

Thank you for what you said. You've never not made sense. Mean that. I love/don't people. They say be yourself and when they like me I am, but if they don't I find it hard to because they pull me down.

Anyway going to sleep with a pill if I have to. Yip ok to do that.

I'll get through darl, don't worry. Although at times I wonder if it's all worth it.

Love you. Big day for you, hope you're ok hun. Thoughts x

[Ggrand]

Hun, I so wish you would read your posts to others and me they are all so beautiful from your heart and are compassionate and meaniful...You're listening to beasty now...Listen to me /us.... everyone is different, talks different, geez I read your posts and at times I think wow how good are your words...I look at mine and a lot of times I don't answer a few, well a lot because others start to support them and their suggestions and words are better then mine and the person I'm supporting well doesn't want my support they prefer the others so I reluctantly just read there posts without posting...

Deebi. Please be kind in your words about you, it hurts 😭..I think everyone thinks the other persons post is better then theirs, we should never ever compare ourselves to anyone.. You are so worthy of VC, please not ever think otherwise, thats 👿 Beasty telling you this...

Bullies Deebi, I was bullied so much at school oh boy was I ever because I was /am timid and didn't talk very much...I left school in first year of high school, hmmm yeah reasons... still don't and in a way I'm still being bullied at work by having to do all the crap work assignments..but now it's a kind of emotional bullying..

Do what you feel is best for you tonight sweetheart, if your not up to going please don't..,You come first honey, the others can wait..I could imagine you only care about people.. Your heart is big Deebi, love you 💜🌹🤗..

I only slept a couple of hours last night or this morning, going to try and sleep now..so I'll pop over 🚜 yours and use your spare bed..Maybe with company we can sleep easily....

🤗🌹👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🕊..

[Birdy77]

Dearest Deebs and Grandy ❤

I hope it's ok that I write to you both here again together ... as you know Grandy, I always read your thread and have read your latest .. Grandy, please be patient with you ... you're learning a new way of living, of being, and decades of abuse can't be knocked down so quickly ... so it will take time. But we are here to support you during that time. We love you.

This is a short love letter to you both.

It was beautiful to witness your love for each other in the wee hours of this morning, even in the despair that you both were feeling, your beautiful lights were shining through.

Your bond is very special.

I woke up, couldn't sleep, and I want you both to know that after I posted, I spent 40 minutes in meditation visualising a golden beam, well, 2 golden beams, filled with healing energy, love, positivity, strength .... there was pink light for protection and healing ... I dunno, I'm not sure it all just happened but I just wanted you both to know that it wasn't just words from me, I poured my heart into it and I really wish for you both the beautiful blessings that so many if us here wish for you both.

I hope that wasn't too weird.

It's just from my heart.

Love to you both,

🌻birdy

[demonblaster]

Thanks SO much Grandy & tweety, careful 👀 😲 pweddy sure that was a 🐺 geez I'd be running if I saw that!

I've picked up and not gone furthur down. Feeling pretty average but just so bloody tired.

Going to watch neighbours then beddy byes. Oh yeah I got a whooptee hr sleep. Had another walk got oops takeaways. Thatta girl ram more weight on.

Bbl tomoz to reply properly and to previous ones.

I can't thank you both enough. You're really beautiful people.

Much love dear tweety 💓 you might be due a 🎁. Grandy you get some good sleep honey. Big days. I'm at yours tonight, how sweet yes in eachothers company we can sleep well. We can conquer!

💜💑🦄 love you darl 🤗😚 solid friendship. You're so easy to love. Starwolf 🤗 love you too 🌹 hope you're well. Always thoughts and respect.

[Ggrand]

Good Night Lovely Deebi..It warms my heart so much to hear that you picked up and not gone down further,,, I am pleased that I was able to help you..🌹👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..I will try to sleep 😴 Thank you very much for your concern..

Birdy🌻....You are a very special person, I really hope you know that your kindness, care and compassion are greatly appreciated..by me and I'm certain everyone..💚..

Oh dearest Deebi....another walk, 🏃🏼‍♀️ you are doing so well, Here you go..🍌🥝..I would love so much some nice take a way fish 🐟 🍟 .but the nearest take a way is 30 Klms away...a soggy mess when I get home..Enjoy It sweetheart.

Sleep well lovlies..deeply, soundly and restfully, dream of peace and light for tomorrow...

L🔥Ve Y💜U ...oh..oh...💼 here it is 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕊..forever together.

Good Night Lovely, people..xx

Kind Warm and caring hugs 🤗

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB and all,

Yes, Grandy and birdy are both very special people. I’m so glad they were both here when you needed someone to talk to. It must have been such a relief to read their posts at a time when you needed a caring friend’s comfort...you are all beautiful people...

I’m so happy that speaking up at the MH group has worked out for you. Things seem to be going okay and no hard feelings, which is fantastic to hear. What a relief 🙂

Oh DB, you are very compassionate and thoughtful but seriously, please don’t even worry about the whole tribute thing. No apology needed at all.

Firstly, I’m pretty sure you did mention me. But even if you didn’t mention my name, I wasn’t (and I’m not) upset. It’s okay. No feelings hurt and I’m not upset at all. You’re very caring to check though...

About posts, I feel your posts are heartfelt, deeply compassionate, insightful and full of personal knowledge. I feel there’s absolutely nothing “wrong” with your posts. They are most definitely “constructive.” Empathy is constructive. Comfort is constructive. Your words are constructive.

I suspect (and please feel free to let me know if I’m way off the mark) that maybe you’re doubting yourself because you feel you need to reply to posts with a whole bunch of resources or demonstrate your knowledge of how neuroscience works or explain how different psych therapies work in detail or “fix” people’s problems (for example). Yes, those things are all wonderful and helpful that have their place but...and here’s the proverbial “but”... I feel essentially a constructive post is simply trying your best to respond.

I feel we don’t have to solve everyone’s problems or analyse everything people have been through to write a “constructive” post. I feel the single most important thing is we just have to try and you do that beautifully. Sorry, I’m not sure if I’m making sense but I’m basically trying to say you are good enough...

So my more than “good enough” friend, you’re beautiful and wonderful. Caring and kind. Loving and smart. Bold and daring. You’re one incredible demon blaster 😉

Love and super soul hugs,

Pepstar xoxo