Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Understanding_Myself_and_]

Wow. Yo have had it tough. You are so resilent to have come back and you are so strong. Hope is burning well alive in YOU. IT IS GOOD SEE YOUR STRENGTH.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Hubby and I lived in a block of 6 units, I was 21, my eldest son was only around 5 months old..Hubby worked I didn't, I made friends with the single mum across from our unit, One afternoon she asked if I could babysit, I said yes as we had a good friendship, hubby came home from work and was angry with me..Anyway I though he would go to bed around his usual time of 9.30pm as he was working the next day, and my friend wouldn't pick up her son until 11pm. Hubby told me to go to bed and he would waitbup for her..Alarm bells started ringing, so I protested well, lets say I went to bed with some bruising, I stayed awake and heard hubby trying to pick her up...she was angry at him grabbed her son and left..The next day she refused to talk to me, My hubby told me to ask her for dinner, of course she refused, well hubby, started on me...I don't swear so I'll leaved that out..He laughted and laughed and said how.......useless, hopeless, stupid, blah blah blah because I was not even capable of keeping a friend, it was my fault she didn't want to speak to me any more my fault No one wanted to be a friend to some one as....name calling again... he absolutely refused to even acknowledge my presence for over a month, I was invisible, I didn't exist for over a month...

About 4 years later, roughly same thing happened with another friend.after that I promised myself I would never make any more friends...

Deebi you came along. I love you deeply. As soon as I read that on the other thread I knew, Then when you said what you did about yourself and I couldn't help you, I heard hubby laughing at me calling me names. I was back there. It happened in a split second and I went down with it, I didn't fight it, because I didn't care in my mind, I lost the most precious gift of all you..my friend..

I just needed to let you know.. Im so really sorry if I said anything wrong to you in my last post I only wanted you to understand that it was beasty saying those things not you, honey you are opposite to everything you said in that post..believe me....please be okay. Heal yourself, Please just get well..take your time. I'll still be here if you want me to be.

Love you Deebi🦄

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🦄 ...Please be okay..

[Ggrand]

Hello again Deebi,

Always remember I'm always here if you want to talk..

I told you that because I wanted you to know I'm okay,

you are a gift to me from somewhere high up in this universe.

L&C

Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Always want you Grandy, no you've not said anything wrong hun you and the guys have been so lovely.

He convinced you to believe it was your fault Grandy...it was his doing not yours. You're a beautiful loving caring person I love you very much, think about you offline and others too.

You haven't lost me darlin I've lost myself again Not depressed as such but some tears are falling..deep ones. Was starting to get there G theres always something to slow it.

I feel a glow when I see you've been here and reading "love you deebi"...its so warming🙂🤗 you're a beautiful person.

Just feeling a bit detached I guess. Void but not down. Wanted to go to these things but need to go easy on the neck

No idea Grandy lady.

You're a good friend 😊😚 You be ok..please

Something wrong with my eye ya know when u rub it, hurts and sometimes sharp piercing quick pain feels like the protective layers coming away a bit

Thanks Understanding Myself and Hope for your words. Not feeling that way but ta nice you said ☺

Sez thanks be a while hun. Gotta get my head back dunno where it is at the mo. Hope you're doin ok 😊

Peps I'd love that hug you so warmly spoke about before I felt your heart with that one Been reading how you are, we could both do with it aye no time limit just peace and comfort 🤗 thanks for not being fazed about separate posts

SLD thankyou too keeping up with yaz

I mean it...thank you everyone. You're all kind. It goes in 🤗😚

[Guest8901]

Good to see you Deebs, even if only during fleeting visits.

I always have you in my mind, even if I dont post. I dont want to hastle you or make you feel obliged to respond. I'm constantly watching and reading however. And longing for your return, under the right circumstances.

Mandy xx

[demonblaster]

Anytime hun you're a beautiful person too

You're kindness and support too always appreciated 🤗

Starts thanks for what you said darl helped 🤗

Birdy you too tweety 🤗

😚

[startingnew]

DB xoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Good night sweetDeebi 🦄.

I came across this lost little girl tonight, I'll call her Deebi, she was so cute but she told me she was lost..I held on to the little girl tightly so she wouldn't get lost from me. We started trying to find her, we started by going into the bush, we came across some rabbits, a fox, some kangaroos and a teeny weeny bird, (with glitter). The litttle bird was crying, so Deebi picked up the little bird who had lost all hope of getting back up the huge gum tree she fell from that made her lost..Deebi was crying then she tucked the little bird in her pocket and climbed the tree and the bird was safe, the bird gave Deebi a gift of hope. Next we went to the beach, we spotted a beached whale, so Deebi sat with the beached whale who lost all his belief that he would get back into the water. Deebi was crying for the whale, so Deebi, took out her teeny weeny shovel and dug a trench big enough for the whale o wiggle down back to the water..The whale was happy and gave Deebi a gift of belief..Next still holding hands we went to the mountains, we saw a goat stuck on a ledge half way up, Deebi started crying, then she shouted at the goat to come down for a pat, The goat was really scared but, with Deebi shouting encouragement the goat came came, the goat was so happy it started running and playing with Deebi, but before we left the goat gave Deebi a gift of faith..we then travelled to a gorgeous crystal clear stream, with teeny weeny glitter fish. The fish were so happy playing and swimming around, Deebi put her feet in and the little fish swam around her feet playing happily, Deebi started to forget she was lost and started giggling. The fish gave Deebi a gift of happiness. We next went to the meadows were we just layer down still holding hands. We looked up at the clouds, watching them peacefully float by, changing shape, they were that peaceful that Deebi started to sleep, after only 10 minutes Deebi woke up with a gift from the clouds of peace..Night came quickly so we walked still holding hands to a cave, we went inside the cave and just sat their looking at the stars twinkling so brightly Deebi loved the sparkle of the stars, so the stars gave Deebi a gift of sparkle and the moon wanted and did give Deebi a gift of warm moon beams. Deebi was still lost so we collected, her gifts and put them all together on the ground..Deebi had, hope, belief, faith,happiness, sparkle and warmth from the moon beams.....continued.

[Ggrand]

Hope, belief, faith, happiness, sparkle, warmth, what can we do with all these little lost Deebi asked me..ok I said..

Hope..is for a bright day and big new wonderful things waiting for you around the corner and you can find yourself.

Belief...is for believing in yourself that you are so loved that you will find yourself. and get well.

Faith..is for having faith in yourself, knowing that you always do your best and faith that I love you and want to help you find yourself.

Sparkles...are for your thoughts, they are the little gateways to getting the beadtybout, so you can find yourself.

Warmth...Well Deebi you always have warmth in your heart and soul for other people, this warm is a special warmth that stays within you,my outfit cannot give this warm away it is yours to heal yourself with, to care for yourself and be gentle with yourself..

Deebi took all these special gifts and thought about them, then She put them under her pillow and fell asleep, Through the night while she was sleeping these gifts slowly absorbed into her, when Deebi woke up the next morning she was not feeling as lost, Each day when you wake up these gifts of hope, belief, faith, sparkles and warmth will be a little stronger, in no time at all you will find yourself and be back with us, your smiling smiley avatar is who you really are..Deebi honey you are you, nobody will ever be you, please stay who you are, then you will find yourself..oh yeah did I tell you we are still holding hands...

live you Deebi,🦄,

Sleep deep, dream of peace and let your gifts absorb into you nightly. Peace my beautiful friend.

Love and Care,

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Grandy

[Ggrand]

Oops..lol..

I forgot happiness, is for when Deebi starts crying, then happiness will ebtercDeebis thoughts and bring the happy ones forward and squash the sad ones, so slowly Deebi s happiness will come back to her, just like her avatar...

Ok now I'm finished..sorry about that Deebi, but because you got happiness last itvwill remain with you for a long time..

Love you Deebi,,( got to say that again).

Love and Care always.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy