Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

I get the feeling it was harder and harder for you to complete that last post. Sometimes we are torn between a desire to talk and inability due to emotion. (my apologies if I've misunderstood)

It's Ok, you are going though the hardest of times and have to take what comfort you can. I'm glad he talked with his dad, a change from you - and that may help if he feels closer to you both.

I'm also glad of the VACRO, not something I've any real knowledge about, though I do know they offer counseling to parents and other family members as well as the courses for inmates.

I think you were very brave to listen to that CD. I think if it was me it would take a long time before I could face it. I really hope it helped, or at least let you know you had all the information available and thus more of an insight into why things worked out as they did.

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

it was hard writing that, then I suddenly pressed post reply before I could check it properly . It was late and I was tired. My husband said listening to the CD was like scratching a scab that was healing. My husband was pleased that our son was happy to chat to him, as in the past he seems to only want to talk to me though he and I felt the burden was always on me to say and ask the right thing on the phone and in emails. If will help for when he comes home . He his father used to be close but when all the trouble started my husband never seemed to be able to say Or do the right thing in my sons eyes. He could be angry with me too but would usually still talk to me eventually .

The next day I wrote here to explain the deterioration at the end of my previous post and then accidentally deleted it as I tried to post it !

In the I post I accidentally basically apologised for the muddled ending and went on to thank you all for your positive and helpful comments and thoughts.

I am feeling better today after chatting to family who rang and a few other friends and relatives who have messaged etc. They don’t know our sons situations as it is not for me to say , and I couldn’t anyway , but general chatter and focussing g on the needs of others is important too,

It was great to hear July that you seem stronger and reaching out to others like the girl at work, and have the pleasure of grandchildren as do you Croix. It is good to have a few people we have told ..very close friends who also understand, but don’tt gave kids in prison and ministers and counsellor .. we can also share with

So a July I totally understand how you are feeling!!

I agree on the importance of good memories . Often my phone brings up photos of my son and family in happier times and I pray happier times will return one day .
Thanks all

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi all,

Tried 3 times to write but lost it each time as I either didn’t finish and send it or did something wrong as I tried to send it.. my fault .

Just wanting to check in on how you were doing July.
I also wanted to ask about parole. My son is anxiously waiting for it to be approved and finding it hard not knowing the timing. A PSA is being done but frustrated hls is taking longer than some others he knows who have put their applications in about the same time and have already spoken to parole offices on line. I read all the information on the internet but it seems more than than the info he got when he dooms to the ATC. I believe from what I read it, it takes as long as it takes to get the information they need.
They also say they check the accomodation .. an actual visit? My son wanted me to ring someone about how much longer before they confirm accomodation but I’m not sure that would be a good idea as the information seemed to be saying they take as long as necessary and I don’t think it is up to me to ask. His earliest release date is coming up quite soon so he was concerned he hadn’t heard anything yet and others already had met parole officers and their earliest release date was the start of next year.? He asked the ATC and they just said he had to wait.

I guess there isn’t anything can I do to find out if he can’t.?plus I wouldn’t think I should be interfering in the process by calling …

Trying not to find things to stress about or worry about the unknown dates and details. He is actually calling more and it’s great he is happy to talk to both myself and my husband , his dad.

He is in lower security accomodation so is cooking more etc so is trying to get more recipes from home.

Hope to hear from one of you soon.

nameless 1

[Doolhof]

Hi Nameless,

I have never been in your situation and have no understanding of what you and your son are experiencing. I just want to let you know I have read your post here and my thoughts are with you all.

It must be difficult not receiving the answers your son is desiring, not knowing the time frame for things to happen makes it hard to plan and to feel settled I am sure.

My sister one year made up a cook book for me with recipes she gathered from other family members and friends. Are you able to do something like that for your son?

I hope your son is able to receive the details and news he desires, and while he is waiting, I hope you are all able to find ways to cope. Regards from Dools

[Nameless1]

Hi Dools
Thanks for your quick response and suggestions!!
We got a call from our son tonight to say that he was told he had a meeting to day with a parole officer!! They explained parole to him and asked lots of questions. He wanted to let us know so we knew things were progressing after all, and not go worrying about trying to ring someone. Very thoughtful…Thank goodness.
We will be getting a call about accommodation etc!! Still no indication of time but things are progressing to the next stage so that is good. Things take as long as they need to make sure everything is in place and for the safety of everyone and what is best for all… which is fair enough!! He was sounding quite cheerful and the good humoured person he used to be before all the troubles.

It is good to know they have someone for support like a parole officer to guide him. Our son got a fairly long parole to make sure he got the help he needed.

In my mind I am feeling more hopeful and confident but the mother side of me feels anxious that I am up for job in being a good enough support !! I guess now is the time to put into practice all those skills we have have been learning and keep praying for strength. !!

thanks again

Nameless 1

[Doolhof]

Hi Nameless,

That is excellent news. Processes do need to be followed and plans put in place for all sorts of situations in life.

Do you have support of some kind for yourself? Are there things you can do to help yourself through a rough day?

I like to go walking and am fortunate enough to live in a state right now where we are free to do that. There are 3 conservation parks all about an hour's drive away, I like to wander around in them and try to focus on what is around me, absorbing the beauty and tranquillity.

To me, trying our best at any one time is all we can do. You mentioned wanting to be the best support you can be. All you can do is your best! There are some days I don't do so well, I tell my husband I am struggling and I can't do any more at that time.

Maybe being honest about struggling also helps us to be stronger in adversity.

Wishing you strength in the hard moments. Regards from Dools

[Nameless1]

Hi Dools

We got a call from a parole worker about checking our home for being suitable accommodation!! . I hope that works out. Good that things are happening but now the anxiety about the changes for us and him living at home again and hoping that the transition won’t be too stressful, about people asking questions about why he is home and asking him what he has been doing or about people visiting once lockdown stops and routines and what parole will look like etc etc…I know . breathe!! One day at a time I know!!

I exercise and walk regularly this year as I put on so much weight last year with COVID and stress and working from home .

I had an injury so I required physio and that started me on a fitness programme which has been good for my mental health.

Writing music, photography and gardening have helped a lot and hope to continue with that .Seeing the counsellor with my husband has been great and again we will continue this.

We were lacking people to talk to who also have sons in jail which is why this thread has been been good, even though only a few of us write. Not sure where else to turn. I have looked up services that offer that support but it is usually for once they get out. Some practical tips on dos and don’t s from the VACRO booklets I have found recently have been helpful.
Yes I do cover up the struggles a bit too.
We love our son and we are looking forward to seeing him !! No date yet .

Thanks again for the speedy reply!!
Nameless1

[Doolhof]

Hi Nameless 1,

I'm sorry I am unable to share a relatable life story with you regarding sons in prison. Hopefully there may be more people here on the forum who may have some understanding and experiences they can share with you. I can only imagine there may be some stigma attached to having a loved one in prison.

It is not always easy finding the support you are looking for, needing and desiring. I hope you are able to connect with others with a similar experience.

You have mentioned hobbies and interests, I like take photos on my phone. I used to have a camera with macro capability, but it broke! Does your son have any hobbies and interests you could help him expand upon once he is released?

I'm not sure how you manage with telling family, friends, neighbours and people you know. I guess some people will just accept what has happened, some may run a mile, some may ask a lot of questions. Hopefully you will all receive support and advice on how to navigate the changes once your son is home.

I hope it is comforting for you in a way to have this place where you can share how you are feeling. Once again, I am not in your situation, but I do have a heart and mind that cares for others.

Regards to you from Dools

[July]

Hi nameless, Sorry its been a while, I want to also say to you protect your heart , be optimistic but also be realistic , they are "clean " when they are released and say all the things you want to hear . But the real world is very difficult for an addict ,especially when they have been in prison for a length of time . The first time my son got out I was full of hope and trust ....sure that prison would have "scared him straight " but unfortunately once off parole and free from any constrictions the lure of the life-style can very easily pull them down . I sincerely pray your son can make it , just remember we as parents can only do so much without enabling ...and I am guilty at times of probably doing that very thing but I learnt quickly that did not help my son... but possibly eased my own guilt of failing him.

Its very hard to talk to any one about our kids in prison as my post has said , my story was written to help myself and hopefully any other parents who have been throw into this mess as well .

Maybe also to bring to light the sad families behind these prisoners , we see all the time on the news about stories but no one gives a second thought to the mothers crying at the prisons visiting their sons, trying to live their life with secrets and shame.

These kids /men have made mistakes ...but who hasn't ....I have such a different view now on the justice system and drug abuse as I've lived it, through my son.

I love my son no less for anything he's done , his actions have had consequences and so they should , but he's still my boy ,he finally text me the other day , about 6 weeks after I text him .... he said he was "doing well and ok " and "I love you mum and miss you ", he also text his 2 sisters , it was unusual ? but at least I know he's alive , I just text him back "I love you to and miss you , I worry about you ", I didn't question him or ask anything else as I have learnt to accept him where he is and not push to hard .

My heart is broken about him but I have to keep going and live my life , but not a day goes by that I don't wonder and pine for him .

Take care and keep an open heart

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July and Dools

I’m glad to hear July that your son contacted you and your family. I hope he will come and see you . I pray for him too as I pray for our son.,that he will heal and change .

Thanks Dools and July. This has been a great space to get comfort and support and advice and suggestions. When I first found this thread I read through from the beginning to the end a bit at a time and so learned your heartbreaking story over a period of a week. It has helped me to understand many things about being optimistic and realistic as you said July . Not knowing anyone else going though this or hearing the parents side, I had no idea what to expect and I realised I needed to be more aware of what can happen both good and bad so I could prepare emotionally. July you have helped me so much !!
I hear in my son the desire to come home. We are getting lots of calls and I hope it isn’t just so he presents well to the board but I know that is probably partly true . When he came home after a living out of home a few years ago the initial happiness soon fell into frustration of having to live back with his parents. I hope that doesn’t happen but know it could.
He is sounding the best he has for ages , and we can talk and laugh like we used to. He has a job he likes and study he enjoys and a gym not far away and has mates who understand what he has gone through. living in lower security with a small group that get on well, it feels less like prison and they enjoy the luxury of cooking what they want within a budget and making calls when he wants . Routine and structure.

Like you said July years ago , I worry about the transition back and the pressure of getting a job and stigma of criminal record, his friendships and having hobbies.
In what way do you think you enabled him? I am worried about doing that too .
He had a few hobbies, and has more now , and we hope to build a shed for those, with his suggestions first and if he will use it, so he has an area to keep him busy.

I presume the parole officer will guide him in this period of transition and help us to ….and help find the right people for any help the board decides he needs.

July did you have much contact with your son’s parole officer?
Any other tops about parole and boundaries?
I am trying not to think about it all the time but I can’t help it. I am really excited some days at having him home but some days feel nervous.

I am so grateful I can be open and honest here.
Nameless 1