Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Nameless1]

Hi July,

I totally understand what you said!!! As I gardened the other day I took time to ponder his life in prison. Versus the pandemic.

Of course being in prison is very different but I guess with lockdown we have felt imprisoned with curfews and restrictions on where we can go and who we see and what we can do. Different in that we aren’t locked in with a few hundred other people we may not like and in a cell/ unit / room but least they have things to do

They have been able to continue work and do gym and sports and training where in lockdown many have lost jobs and money and houses as they can’t work can’t do many of those things they like to do and suffer as a result.

He hasn’t missed out on big trips overseas and lots of special events for family and friends . Most have been cancelled and travel when allowed was very limited.

He didn’t missed his grandmothers funeral. We didn’t get to go either and didn’t see her for many months before she died as she lived where we couldn’t go.

He doesn’t see family. We can’t either except on FaceTime… he doesn’t have that though and we are fortunate we have.

He feels different to others because he has been in prison and the reaction of he tells people. We feel different to others as we can’t tell them we have a son in prison or it might effect how they react to us.

In a sense we are each in our own prisons. He and us. Yes we do have more freedom of course and we don’t face the situations they face in there. We will never fully understand the long nights where they cry and feel sadness and regrets, or anger and resentment they can’t show or have learnt to control ( or risk reprimand for their behaviour, )or the treatment they might receive, or the severe limitations of space to call their own and what they can own and missing the things they have left behind. Hopefully we have a bit of an idea so we can show compassion and say the right things.
I can feel the inner strength in your words that you have gained but know your pain and my pain never really go away. We have changed to cope better with it. We grow and change so we can better support them and still cope ourselves. We have others in our our family that we also love. and those around us who need people like us who can be compassionate and not judgemental of them.

I hope your son has found some courses he enjoys and has found a good group of guys to be around. How often does he ring or write these days?

Take care too

Nameless 1

[July]

Hi nameless,

Yes we all feel the stigma of a family member in prison , I never told anyone until after the second time where I felt more maybe accepting ? of not taking the blame for his choices? but again just a few select people who expressed empathy and had similar family issues ,one of the girls of my ward has her brother in prison and we starting chatting one day and I disclosed to her about my son, I felt some instant relief ,companionship and an unfortunate bond. I could hear her side coming from a sisters point of view, much as my 2 daughters have had to endure, and she said I sounded just like her mum, and she felt so sad for her mum to have to see her child go through it , as she is a mother herself.

My son has not worked regularly since his release last november , has not studied or made any attempt to change his surrounds or his future ,once off parole he again slipped back into his old ways .

He lives in the city which is the worst place to be for a drug addict trying to "get better", I haven't heard from him in 2 months , he doesn't answer his phone or he has a different number ?he used to have 3 numbers obviously to disguise his "business".

I have no option but to sit helplessly by and hope he reaches out when he's ready , I know he distances himself when he's drug taking so I don't find out and he doesn't have to witness more hurt caused by him to me.

But of course I know this behaviour all to well ....sadly enough .

Just tonight my youngest son aged 17 and in his final year at school before starting UNI next year ,gave me the biggest hug, he's so much taller than me ....I hugged him so tight and in my heart I was hugging both of my beautiful sons, its a precious moment and little did my younger son know.... that helped me feel his brother to .

For that brief moment my heart said a little pray for my older boy , he sounds so much like his brothter and when he laughs I hear his older brother and it makes me smile ...albeit for a moment .

July

[demonblaster]

Hi July Nameless and sadly SO many people going through these incredibly hard times ☺

I'm so glad you both have each other to talk too.
It'd be such a massive heart wrenching load to be living through this.To be able to talk with eachother who understands this nightmare must be a god send.

I understand though such a shame having to choose who you disclose to.
SO good hearing there's some people which I'd think are real friends that don't judge you/r sons.

Schools are trying to educate kids of the guaranteed devastating ripples. People and some celebrities talk about what happens.

I got through for a mere few seconds to a poor girl on opioids saying "this isn't a good life is it"
She broke down crying but recovered very quickly.

As you know girls there's still feelings. Survival forces them to mask else they'll crumble.

*Triggers* Opioid use

Re *Choice. Is not always a conscious one.
Other reasons too that I'll leave.
I tried to talk a young girl out of a heavy substance.
It was awful seeing her being turned on to it.
She was trying to resist but there were at least 3 blokes urging her on. Surprisingly they didn't turn on me ? deep down they knew it was wrong

She was coersed and truly terrified going through the "buzz" not at all enjoying it.
I don't know how or if her life was hers anymore. So sad.

An addict said when I was considering " You never try this drug once". Meaning you're in from the start.

Sincerely I'm hoping not to upset anyone but in the chance that someone might read this and the thread and gain some deeper understanding into some of the hows/why's and ramifications.

It'd be an incredibly hard life. Desperation makes good people do what it takes to get a fix.

I had an addict & his friends in my life. Constant turmoil and a battle. No ones choice preferred choice living that way.

Addicts become very good at convincing you of anyway they can get $ for the next hit.

Girls thank you for talking so openly & honestly about how it is living through such a major tragic situation

I dearly wish I could ease your pain. Always know you're in my thoughts & have amongst many here's deepest care and support including times we're unable to post.

You're very brave and strong ladies who clearly have the deepest love for your dear children in wicked circumstances.
They'd know that and wouldn't have stopped loving you. To survive they have to block emotion.

Love carries phenomenal power.

⚘

[July]

Hi, Thankyou for your words and care ,this means so much...maybe even more so from a complete stranger , funny how the written word can touch your heart and make you see the sun through our dark times .

Deep down we are all the same ..trying to make our way through life and to leave a little love behind , helping others can really make your life enriched .

Even with rejection and disappointment we must strive to move forward and hope that in a little way we have touched someone... and made them feel cared for and loved.

I have not heard from my son for quite while , I text him last week and again nothing , my heart is trying to be hopeful but my head is saying "you know deep down it's not looking good and he is more than likely down that dark path ".

I didn't question him , just a few words from a mother who would give my life ...if he could beat this addiction, and always an "I love you ". I know if he reads it... my love would have sunk down to his heart and hopefully warmed him to know that I won't let go at any cost.

Today I was going through some old photos as my 17 year old son is graduating year 12 in a few weeks and needs a baby pic, my older son turned 22 the month after I gave birth to my younger son and seeing those pictures of him holding his baby brother made me mourn those days and not for one moment did I dream that this would end up the way it is now.

But every child is important no matter what and I know he's still my gorgeous first born... the drugs can't take away my memories ...my love or commitment for him.

Stay strong and stay true.

July

[demonblaster]

Dear July Nameless and everyone 😊

You have a gift July with the written word. I truly hope you feel although it'd be so hard speaking it I'd think, that it also sheds even if only a small part of your pain.

He's a very lucky bloke as would be your other dear children having your love and endless dedication. That's absolute Gold.

I think it's wise you holding onto hope, we need that to keep working towards else we crumble. We need it to also be able to potentially think of ways to find a solution to this ongoing nightmare. Also being aware of the path he might be back on.

Do I understand correctly that he has had some periods of time off the gear? Oh geez I so hope. That shows he has an amount of strength surfacing which he'll be able to resurface I prey sooner than later. So sad hun.

You're clearly a very strong lady. This has probably been spoken of I hope you apart from here that you girls always have, someone in a professional capacity to talk to.

I also hope you're having some good happy moments in your lives.

Those photos would have been powerful to say the least on your emotions. So good hearing you talk of beautiful memories and more to come I dearl hope girls and for so many victims of this wicked situation.

Thanks July ☺

Thoughts care and support amazing people to your families as well🤗⚘

[July]

Hello everyone,

My son has had periods off the drugs...but only when on parole and being drug tested, so he has some capacity to follow the rules but once not under the radar of the police and court /prison system ...all his defences crumble... he has not confronted his demons so again they rise to consume him . Drugs show no mercy to their victims, the lure is to great and the mind is to weak to combat its force.

I do have happy moments in my life which I treasure ,as I have 3 other kids to think about . My younger daughter aged 31 is about to have another baby (a boy ) in 7 weeks so that brings me so much happiness .We will have 2 grandsons and 2 granddaughters soon.

I know I can't change my circumstances and the pain never strays far, but I do have to live my life, but my older son is always on my mind, with life going on around... I have no choice.

The tentacles of this massive drug problem encase the whole family and thats what hurts we all go down with the drug addict ...people always forget there is ...hopefully many loving families praying for their kids to get better .

Take care

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

I'd have to agree with you. Effects ripple out. I know when I put someone before the court and they were convicted then the effect on their families was as great or greater than their own sentence, be it incarceration or bond. Lack of employment, no money, stigma, loss and loneliness, all of which apply as well for those for whom drugs are large part of their lives.

I'm very glad that although you have to live with those thoughts you have a family whom you mention wiht love and pride who feel the same and that may give you some solace.

I've found a grandchild can be a wonder, particularly if one is prone to tease them:)

Croix (who only retained his moustache becuse it tickled a grandchild)

[July]

Hi Croix, your post made smile in regards to your grandchild .. yes they have a way of making you see life through their precious , sweet and innocent eyes . I hated sitting in court watching my son go through things , I cried often, and hoping all the other people in there , including other families , court staff and police didn’t think I was a bad or neglectful mother . The pain is deep when watching your child go through any stressful situation be it they’re fault or not . It’s taken me many years to forgive myself for whatever mistakes I made raising him . But also many years to realise I love him more than anything and sustaining that love through many trials and tribulations. My heart just yearns for his peace of mind , love of life and his lost soul to be found , I hope that happens while I’m here to see it . Life is so precious and love and memories is all we take when we leave this earth . Take care , July

[Croix]

Der July~

Parents who love their children do not really make mistakes, they are feeling their way without experience or guide. They just seem like mistakes in hindsight.

You are right of course, all we have to take away is love and memories. Memories are a mixed bag, and I'm afraid I'm not in favor of balance, but lean towards the happier ones. I've even a thread where others can write some of theirs for their own future enjoyment in darker times - and for the benefit of others too

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-

As you page through it is amazing how many happy memories are of grandparents - a lot of mine certainly are

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix,July

I agree about family especially grandchildren. Ours helped us get all this too!!

July you said“My heart just yearns for his peace of mind , love of life and his lost soul to be found , I hope that happens while I’m here to see it”. Yes I know that yearning too.
We haven’t been able to go to court due to Covid and we weren’t sent the link as I might have mentioned. We ordered and paid for an audio CD finally arrived after 6 weeks .. courts are busy!!

The lawyer of course had given us a summary and though I didn’t really want to listen due to how emotional it would be I needed to hear for myself what was said by the magistrate and prosecutor and see how the lawyer represented him.
my husband didn’t want to hear it. He felt wounds were being healed and didn’t want to scratch them and said he knows the outcome and that’s all he needed.
I took notes as I went.
I felt very sad hearing the summary of his last few years and his charges and issues and their findings , as well as hearing medical/psych reports. Then the discussions of possible outcomes . Meanwhile our son was listening and watching via AVL hearing all this about himself.

im glad I was g in court but would have been if I could. I cried in the shower afterwords . It was heart breaking as you both know.

We had a call today and he actually talked to his dad as I wasn’t home . Hausllt he wants yo talk to me but they had a great chat and I am so please!!He is doing ind of the VACRO programmes.

stull waits c

.