Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I'm so glad for you that its all over and done, one stressful step out of the way. Now your son can get on with his sentence and move forward in a hopefully positive way, he will learn to cope and learn new skills that will improve his outlook on life.

Its great you were there, and I agree that he was probably ashamed and embarrassed in front of you, because he is back in that situation again, and he would know in his heart he has let you down but don't despair, give him time and just be supportive....which you have been and I know how hard that is under the circumstances.

He needs to  have a clear head and mind to think long and hard about what he's done and I have found that to be the turning point for my son.....time to think and consider his life choices and here he wants to go in his life.

You have been so brave to keep it together in the court room till after you got out, I lost it as soon as they started practically and cried continually, it is very painful to see your child there and to see and hear their whole life unravel in front of you , its devastating and just wondering where it all went wrong.

But I know and now accept they were "his" choices not mine, I have tried my best and given him all the best things in life, a private school education he finished year 12, living at home with me and his siblings , despite his dad and I separating at age 14 for him, which was a turning point for him ,as his dad was absent most of the time from then on, and  I know the same sex parent is vital in their upbringing and adjustment to life  but I couldn't be "dad" to .

I hope your son moves forward and it' s long process, but if it gets them away from the drugs and the other dysfunctional  people then thats what he needs to get it together.

Take care, chat soon.

July

[July]

Hi donna,

I to re- read  some of the old posts here and it does make me cry to, the outpouring of emotions and feelings is incredible, this journey is  definitely a roller coaster for ourselves and our loved ones.

I agree with your dad only us directly involved can truly feel the pain because we have that emotional connection and its very hard to separate your heart and your head when you are involved in trauma, and until they have walked in our shoes its very hard to comprehend it all fully.

When I read these posts I am not just reading words or a story , I am reading words from my own heart and life to, its like I am in your story to .....strange as that sounds, but I am sure you and Anne know what I mean.

When I go and visit my son in prison I sometimes just want to cry when he hugs me, I just want to protect him but I hold myself back from the tears because I want him to know its ok, I haven't told him about my work problems or my counselling as I don't want to burden him with knowing that sometimes I am not coping on the "outside".

One day ......maybe when its all over with, I will sit down and tell my son its been hard for me to , but my love for him has got me through ....thats what a parent does.

All the best to you and your family, my thoughts are with you always.

Take care 

July

[A_Tech]

 Hi all,

I just I should I should update everyone, as yesterday was sentencing for my brother.

I'm not sure if everyone is really aware of the full situation and I'm hoping nothing changes. I know mostly we don't tend to talk about the actual charges, but this time I need to, so that it really explains my devastation, and the sentence given (not to mention it's been all over the news here).

My brother was charged and plead guilty to murder. He was not acting alone in the crime, but the other person has walked away with NO charges despite being arrested twice for suspicion of his involvement. It turned out he was given immunity if he rolled on my brother! But thats another story.

His sentence given was Life in Prison, with a minimum non parole period of 19 years.

It was the most serial moment of my life! Even though we expected at least 16-18, the moment I heard the words 19 years, it was just like in the movies. I could hear myself but couldn't stop it. You know in movies there's always a distraught relative that lets out the loudest devastated cry/scream noise? That was me yesterday. I sat there for 10 minutes after everyone had left with those body shaking sobs that just won't stop. Even the court security just kept handing me tissues, usually they want you out within minutes.

So after I composed myself, you need to understand I don't do those things, I worked in the operating theatres for gods sake (sorry if that offends anyone), EVERYTHING is professional. We spoke briefly to his lawyers and then as we were leaving, not only did the cameras see us, they chased us down the street (in front of us) just for footage!!!! No reporter, just the camera! 

Of course that was enough to set me off again, but not until way out of their sight, I WAS  NOT giving them that satisfaction!!!!! The worst part was, that footage of us didn't even make it to tv, so what was the point???? Reporters, journalists they're all scavengers. There was NO need for what they did to us.

I know that what he did deserves the sentence he received, maybe more depending on your beliefs, but to me he will alway just be my brother, my other half, the one that knew me best.

You hear of stories about twins that know something is wrong with the other one even though they may be on the other side of the world. It's all true.

When we heard of this crime, I had a bad feeling. When I was told he gad been arrested I knew what it was for, even though no one had been told.

 (I will continue)

[A_Tech]

PART 2

 So I guess on of the hardest things has been losing him while he's still here.

Both of my husbands parents had Alzheimer's for years before his father passed last year and mum is in care. Another family member here butt gone!

 He wrote a letter to the Magistrate, this paragraph broke my heart;

' When it comes to my family, I know certain members have had a really hard time dealing with this knowing the sort of person that I am. My family know that I never have and never would intensionally hurt anyone, so when I've explained to them how this matter came about they were the only ones that have believed anything I've said, and are determined to support me as much as possible. However I don't understand how or why they would. Honestly I feel embarrassed and ashamed for them to have to admit to being related to someone who can partake in something so wrong, planned or not. '

I'm so gladI didn't read that until I got home. 

Any way, enough for today. I'm still in shock I think, I go from numb to tears in seconds.

I'll be seeing him in a few days, no doubt he'll be quite upset too.

Wish me luck and thank you to every one for the support.

Donna xx

[July]

Hi Donna,

Oh my heart goes out to you, what an awful experience for you and your family to endure ...as if you haven't had enough to deal with, and you are the innocent ones trying to accept the fate of your loved one in all this .

At least you have an answer now and now comes the long process of love and support for your brother, in hindsight we could have all made better choices in life, but we are dealt the cards we have and need to make the best of it, don't look back any more......thats the past, we can't change it, but you can make a difference to the future albeit with some sadness and regret.

Time will help to adjust to this new way of life and I'm sure in time your brother will also reflect on his crime and accept his mistake, his forgiveness of his own actions will help to rehabilitate him and although he cannot take back what has happened, he can move forward and redeem himself.

Don't worry about what others say, he is your brother and blood is thicker than water, your love and support of him are vital, and he will be free again one day .....a better and productive member of society and as sad as this all is for you and the victims family,  we still need to see the world through compassionate eyes, he is paying the price for what he has done.......rightly so , but he is a human being that needs help to.

This will take time to settle down, cry .....scream or do what you need to, this is a traumatic and life changing event that affects the whole family , go see him, hug him and tell him you are there.....tell him you forgive him and let him make peace with himself.

Thinking of you, take care of yourself, come here anytime to release and vent......we understand your pain.

July

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

Thank you for your kind and beautiful words!

I felt ok about everything, albeit devastated until this afternoon. We had a visit booked to see him for tomorrow, as we do after every court appearance, only this afternoon we received a call from the prison to say he has denied our visit. The first time in the two and a half years that he's been in remand that he's ever done this.

I think I know him enough to know that my emotional outburst at the reading of his sentence is most likely the reason. In his mind, he feels guilty about causing me that pain and he can't deal with that right now. I can understand that, even accept that, I just wish he could tell me so I know.

The  other thing he has said recently is that if he gets a long sentence then were all better off just forgetting him now, to save the pain. He has some bazaar notion that if we never see him again we'll get over it.

I pray to god that he's not thinking like  that now. He is the most stubborn person I have ever met, and he WILL stick to that if he thinks it's in our benefit. But I also know that he will struggle for 19 years with no family support and he has said he take his own life if it gets to hard for him.

All I can do right now is give him a bit a time, bit only a little, I don't want to risk him being moved and I don't know where too.

I will try again for a visit next next week and if he denies that one too, then I will write to him and ask why.

I hope it's only my first instinct, time will tell.

 xxxx

[July]

Hi Donna,

That must very difficult when he denied the visit, but remember this will be very hard for him as well .... to comprehend the enormity of the situation  and the shock of his sentence, will most definitely be throwing him into chaos.

He will be having a wide range of emotions swirling around ,so maybe just give him some time to settle down and like you said if he's not ready for a visit, write to him and explain  you understand his needs but you love and support him no matter what and will stand by him no matter what length of time goes by.....love does not run by a clock but by the heart and a physical separation does not stop wanting, what the heart wants.

Re assure him that he will adjust to prison life and he can re write the wrongs in his life , he can honour his family by staying strong and being connected to those who love him.

Such  a heartbreaking situation for all concerned, just be that soft place for him to fall.

Take care,

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna

The way you and your brother are feeling is perfectly natural, you are eager to visit to make sure he is ok and he has been knocked flat by the realitity of his sentence.  This is my view of how you are both feeling, not easy by any means.

I can't tell you what to do as i am not in your shoes, maybe take some time as July suggested and give your brother time too.

I am still reeling from seeing my son and sitting through the court process so I can't imagine what you are going through.  All I can do is offer my support and urge you to ring lifeline, beyond blue or some other phone counselling service if you are overwhelmed by your feelings.

I am going to Melbourne to stay with my cousing for a few days, I need the break from here, I need to get away to recenter myself and hopefully come back in a better frame of mind.

Hope you are ok Donna, am thinking of you.

Hugs

[July]

Hi Anne,

I hope you are feeling ok  and its good you are getting away and having a break from it all, we all need to recharge our batteries.

At least we can all relate to the feelings and emotions this experience has brought to us, and its not easy at all, we all have different circumstances but the same sort of outcome unfortunately, but I am so glad we have each other to talk to and express our changing feelings, as we know some days good ....some days not so good.

My son has just begun his new course about drugs and alcohol at the prison farm it takes 12 weeks and they have to pass to move forward , he is doing well and working outside during the day in the vegetable garden , that has been really good, he appreciates his work and the trust they have put in him.

He just sent me a copy of his last report about the first course he did and its amazing to read the difference in him from when he first went in, to now, his attitude and him accepting responsibility for his own actions and his ownership in his behaviour and not blaming the world for his problems, but recognising we are only in control of ourselves, and most all of his love and respect and gratitude for us standing by him ,that really meant of lot to me, but I am just so happy he has found "himself" in all this, and to be strong and courageous , to accept your mistakes and learn from them and move on.

I was proud of him ...but sad that he had to get to rock bottom to realise life can be beautiful, and the evilness of drugs ,took that away from him for so long, thankfully no longer has his soul captive.

For me....all the tears and despair and frustration has been worth it for my son to come out of the other side, a better man...and son, that's all I ever wanted for him.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

I am now many miles from home staying with my cousin.  Children became part of the conversation and of course questions were asked of me about my son.  I told them about P and of course ended up in tears/teary and it was ok, they accepted what I told them which was nice.

I don't know where to start with my son, do I write or do i wait until he writes to me.  I want to believe in him but he has proven many times that nothing is concrete with him.  I love him so much and it kills me to feel so uncertain and untrusting.  

I didn't expect the sentencing to take so much out of me but it has and I feel so fragile, the last thing I wanted to do was get teary here with my cousin but what is done is done.

With my son only time will tell.

Love to all, don't know how often I can get on the computer for the next 10 days.

Hugs to you all.