Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Sorry if I gave you the impression you were pressuring me, partly but it is not only you and others here. I am so torn as to what to do.

My friends are also encouraging me to visit him but other friends are leaving it up to me and I don't know what to do.  I miss him so much I am hoping seeing him in court tomorrow will keep me going for a while, feel sad and pathetic to feel this way but can't help it.

I am prepared for emotions tomorrow but have a secret weapon that I am hoping will work.  I find the smell of lavender very relaxing so I have two tissues that I will put in a sealed bag and if I feel overcome will take a sniff of the lavender smell. I am so hoping this will work.  If I leave the court room by the time I come back my son will probably have left the court so I don't want to miss the time I do have seeing him.  I'm a sad case aren't I lol.

Until tomorrow or when I let you know what happened.

Thanks for your concern.

Anne

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne,

Hello there precious lady. I have not walked in your shoes at all and don't even have live children, so only have a sense of how you are feeling.

Like July has mentioned, you will have to make the ultimate decision as to what you will and will not do for yourself and your son.

The thing with decisions is that sometimes circumstances/fate or what ever changes our plans anyway!

No matter what happens, I do so hope that you do not beat yourself up about it after. I hope you have people there supporting you and people who are willing to help you through this.

Right now Anne, the best that you can do is to do your best what ever that may mean right now.

I'm thinking of you and your son.

Cyber hugs to you from Lauren

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July and Lauren,

Well that was a total waste of time, the information given to me when I rang the courts was wrong, he wasn't being sentenced today at all.  It was what they call a Mention which meant his name was mentioned, which I missed and then a few words were spoken by his lawyer (I presume) and that was it.  My friend thought she heard his name mention but I missed it, my hearing is not the best so I didn't hear it.

After about an hour it was obvious they were wrapping it up so when the judge left I went up to one of two remaining lawyers and spoke to her, she explained it.  She gave me P lawyers name ( P has not given me any information) so I just sent them an email asking when he is being sentencing.  I am hoping they can tell me something without breaching confidentiality.

I am really disappointed as I wanted so much to see him, not meant to be so I am back to square one.

Anne

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne and July,

Hi Ladies. I just want to thank you again for your wonderful open, heart felt sharing.

Once again I wish I had some kind words to share with you to help you along this journey that must be so difficult.

But I don't.

So I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your sons.

Hugs to you, from Lauren

[July]

Hi Anne,

That was an annoying mix up for you and a waste of time after all the stress, I hope you are alright.

The court system can be very frustrating, just see what information you can get and work on it from there thats all you can do at this stage.

You will see him again, so don't worry yourself about it to much ....easier said than done I know and I'm sure you are worried about his fate, which remember is out of your hands, and I know how difficult it is to want to help and find road blocks at every turn, but it will find a way of working out despite all.

I am due back at work next week, my first shift is on wednesday, I am a bit apprehensive after four months off on stress leave, I'm seeing my counsellor the day before to prepare myself and hopefully I won't break down at work again, thats the last thing I want to happen.

Trying to deflect questions from people isn't going to be easy, I just have to convince myself that I can do it and avoid any stressful interactions if possible, I am just going to think its one day at a time, leave work at work and come home.

I hope you keep strong.

best wishes

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

Yes it was upsetting as I was so looking forward to seeing P.

There is a postive that came from it, I emailed the lawyers and they did send me a reply after only an hour telling me it would be adjourned to end of July and then furture adjourned.  However they had to ask P for permission to respond to my email and he obviously said yes which I see as a huge positive.   Mind you he hasn't answered the letter I wrote him over two weeks ago.  It seems it was adjourned as there was something to do with his co-accused, who is female.  I am hoping it is not his girl friend that would be a disaster but then he is a big boy and is making his own decisions.

As far as work goes, take one day at a time, that is all you can do. You can just keep repeating yourself and say I took leave due to 'personal family matters' and if anyone pushes it say they are personal, if they take offence that is there problem not yours. Or you can say 'sorry I don't mean to be rude but I have to get back to work'.  You are a bright lady I am sure you will find something to say.  Try not to be to apprehensive, I know easier said than done.

I am trying to be strong but i was very dissappointed, I have to keep telling myself I will see him.  The long the time goes from me sending him that letter the harder I am finding it.  If he wanted to write me I thought he would have done it straight away.  It's so hard being a mum sometimes.

Hope you are managing to get through each day without stressing out to much.

Take care

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Thats great your son gave permission for his information to be passed on.....yes that is a good sign, him writing back could take a while, you know what they are like and then the prison has to check any out going mail its a huge drama, I got mail up to two or so weeks late so don't worry, and I'm sure he's getting everything ready for court and in prison they can get busy with stuff.

If it is his girlfriend involved then its best they are split up, cause  they are only trouble for each other, my son was involved with this girl who ended up causing more pain than anything and him being in prison got him away from her, and I'm glad, she moved in with some other guy within about 4 weeks after my son going to prison yet she said she "loved him and would wait", she was into drugs to and was very manipulative, although he was hurt at the time he knows now that she is no good and destructive for him and love shouldn't hurt.

But as you said they are grown up and make their own choices..good or bad and we have to pick up the pieces when it goes  down hill and yes ,it is very difficult to be a mum at times and still carry on with our own lives untouched by the pain they caused.

I hope my work return goes ok I know I have to "face the music" at some time, so I will only know after I do it, I am feeling better in regards to my depression its just the anxiety that gets in the way, and trying not to let it take over can be hard.....its all a mind game.

My son has just finished one of his court appointed courses which is great, he has learnt a lot and really benefited from it, so they are moving him to a prison farm on friday, where he will stay and do one more course before release, it take's  about 13 weeks to do this course, it such a good idea making prisoners do courses that teach them about their behaviour and rehabilitation back into society, he sounded happy on the phone to be another step closer to freedom, and I hope he never takes that freedom for granted again.

I know you will make it through this process, cause you have made it this far and us women are pretty strong and can survive almost anything, I'm on your side and know how you feel so be encouraged to know there are others out there in the same boat, it really helps me to know someone else is there.

Take care talk soon

July 

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July and anyone else reading this.

I am trying not to read anything into his not writing back but I can't help but be disappointed and a little sad.

P last girl friend was a drug addict and had been in jail but that didn't matter to P,  I am hoping she is not the co-accused.

P started dappling in drugs in his teens and became heavily involved in his early 20's so going on the psychology of drug use he stopped maturing in his early 20s.  I thought that had changed as sometimes he seemed more mature than his older brother, maybe he had just become more street smart or worldly but other times I could see the immaturity plain as day.

I am, as I am sure you are to, scared for him and where he is going to turn out.  Is he ever going to mature, is he ever going to kick his drug habit, is he ever going to get a job, is he ever going to turn his life around, are we ever going to reunite and go back to a close relationship? So many questions and so few answers.

I am trying to get on with my life but its difficult not just because of him but my other aliments too. Thoughts of him are never far away and often triggered by simple things people say.  Volunteering in a community centre conversations around the homeless (I suspected at one stage he was living on the streets) are ever present and so are conversations about crime and prison.  Makes it difficult.  Actually my volunteer work place are holding a strategic planning workshop this weekend and I cancelled because I didn't think I could handle it.  Instead I am going to clean up and make some cards, a lot more pleasant.

Yes my son did several courses to and would then reflect on the damage he had caused but when he got out the addiction took over and once again he is inside.  P was living out of home and I think your son living back with you has a wonderful chance and a far better one than P did, of rehabilitation surrounded with family support, I tried to give it but he wouldn't take it.  I think P also had a lot of old friends still around, that wouldn't have helped at all.

Good luck with work this week, I know you are anxious, take it slowly and ease back with your head held high.

Thank you for your kind words of support, I am struggling this weekend and maybe that is clouding my thoughts.

Till next time

Anne

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

I'm just wondering if your son actually received your letter. I guess there is no way of you knowing this for sure or not. You have mentioned how it is affecting you because you have not heard back from him.

Sometimes letters do get lost or misplaced! I received a Christmas card in June once as it was "help up" somewhere!

Maybe your son just doesn't know what to write to you which would be  sad thing as I think you mentioned he has written to others.

I'm sorry you are being so hurt by all of this.

I hope you were able to make some cards and could keep busy on the weekend.

Thinking of you and July and everyone else in your situation.

Cheers for now from Lauren

[July]

Hi Anne,

Just got back from my counsellor, mainly spoke about my son, he has just been moved to a prison farm to do his next course, she does encourage me, telling me, I am doing all I can to support him and giving him a good chance  to succeed when he gets out and with all the other stress in my life I am doing well.

I talked about my hopes and fears for him.....and me, its not going to be easy, but I know in my heart I have done all I can and when he's released there will be a whole new set of challenges to face, like you said, they need to keep away from old associates, bad habits and the life that lead them down this path, and only he can really do that.

Work yes...I go back tomorrow, what will that be like ..I'm not sure, hopefully I don't have any problems or negative encounters I just want to do my job then leave it at the door, I think it will be ok, time will tell, I don't know how much sleep I will get tonight . I can feel that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach already , I just have to keep that positive self talk in my head and tell myself I'm doing ok, I will let you know how it all goes.

Hope you are doing well and keeping yourself busy , although not matter what we do "its" always there, that wish that it was all resolved, that piece of your heart thats aching for your child to heal, and to see the beauty in this world and that their life is precious and worth something.

Lets hope our boys come to the realisation that drugs are not the answer to their problems or to mend their broken hearts and souls, but our love will pull them through and take them to a better place.

Take care 

July