Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Dear whoever is reading,

Sad, just sad. What more is there to say sometimes? It has become my new routine to wake up wanting to cry and to go to bed in tears...middle of the day is better but even then, I sometimes feel a bit teary.

Anyway, I must haul myself of bed now...day must start...

Take care everyone,

Pepper xo

[White_Rose]

Hello Pepper

You sound very tired and miserable. I note above that you know all about helplines etc. But do you use them and have they been helpful?

I understand that cranky etc feeling. The desire to move away from this sort of thing and the lack of energy and motivating force makes us feel even more depressed. So what to do about it. I sometimes feel I need someone standing behind me and giving a good push, or perhaps a key to wind me up and get me going. I asked my GP to use her magic wand and she said the batteries were flat. Obviously not using rechargeable batteries.

I have been unwell for a couple of weeks and have found it a huge effort to even get out of my chair to make a drink. I find depression is like that. We weigh up the steps to achieve something but taking the first step is so hard and often we park it in the too hard basket. The next step is to berate ourselves for not doing something.

Do you see a therapist of any sort? These people are very good at getting us to articulate our needs, even when we don't know want we want. How do you feel about this? I note your experience in this from your initial post. I'm not sure we need psychologists or psychiatrists all the time. I talk with a counsellor who I find gentle and helpful. A change from my psychiatrist where I feel I always have to perform in some way. This counsellor lets me go down paths of my choosing until I reach a point of deciding this path is or is not helpful.

As I say, it's a very different approach. You can also avoid the costs of the more formal alternatives. No mental health plan, no limited sessions and very little money. Have a look around. Relationships Australia, Anglicare, Salvation Army all offer counselling. I think being able to sit quietly and ramble on about your life is good. It allows you to come to the place you want to be.

I hope you find this helpful. In any event I am happy to keep talking to you.

Mary

[Just Sara]

My dear sad Pepper;

Usually we know what brings sadness on or at least work it out soon after. But in your case it's a mystery, or your posts read as though it is.

I figure you've felt like this for a very long time and mostly cover it with a mask. (or music) I think maybe even wearing it in front of your own mirror. Is your sadness the opposite of happy or something else? Would you call it depression?

You've given me so much precious love and caring over the past week. I know you'd want me to try anything to cure myself. Why is it so difficult to give this same love to yourself?

Us Aussies are renowned for our fighting spirit when life strikes us with a big ole cricket bat. We rise to the occasion like Diggers in trenches doing whatever we can to win, or at least get to go home.

I want you to crawl out of that trench you've dug, and come running to me with tears of happiness and peace. I wish this for you from that place we've developed over time; from my heart of hearts and back again. Just as you want me to be healthy and happy.

I'm sorry...I don't want to pressure you. I'm feeling helpless and bound by emotions. You mean the world to me; you know this.

The cat and birds told you I'm going to be fine. Why not ask the Universe to show you the way. Make it specific like a sign on a shop front that sparkles when you walk by, or an article in a magazine telling of new med's that're a miracle. Then put it in your pocket and forget about it ok.

Speaking of being creative! 😄

Let's turn that frown upside down...

Sara xoxo

[Moonstruck]

Dear Pepper.....I didn't see this until tonight. I feel for you. I've been sad too lately as you know..and you've been good to me....thank you. I appreciate you and wish i had seen this earlier, and that you got through the day.

if you're in The Circle tonight anywhere, I'll try and find you and hold your hand. I need mine held too so perhaps we can touch each other with our warmth....I hope so.....luv.....Moon S

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for the reply. I appreciate the thought and time that went into it especially considering how you're struggling too.

I have called helplines in the past but I haven't in recent times. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking but I know the option is available if I want it. I'm personally more familiar with psychologists than counsellors; all therapy that I received in the past was with psychologists. I have never had a session with a counsellor before...

I'm used to much more formal arrangements so informal arrangements is something that I have never tried before...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to do some research to suss out what is available...thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate it.

Also, I hope you're feeling a little bit better or perhaps you're still feeling unwell (?) I hear you...depression can make motivation a huge struggle.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

Thank you so much for visiting and writing...it means a lot especially as I know you have a lot going on...I hope you look after yourself first and foremost. Also, please don't apologise...you write from the heart...I know your words always come from a place of love and care.

Yeah, it is more depression than sadness. I just like to "soften" it slightly by calling it sadness instead. It sounds terrible but I'm at a point of acceptance; I don't have much of a will to fight the black dog so I just plod along and accept it by my side.

When you've lived with it for most of your life, you get used to it or at least to an extent. It's become almost "normal" to me (i.e. to feel this way) even if it is unpleasant. Granted, some days are worse than others but overall it's a familiar sadness. I have to admit that I feel bad saying this to you because I know you have enough on as it is without having to worry about me too on top.

You're right, creative outlets are as much of an outlet as they are a way for me to shut things and people out. A nice big moat of music, paintbrushes, sketchpads, etc between me and the world. Around people, I have to pretend to be happy but when it's me and the arts, I don't have to be happy. I don't have to be sad either. I can be whatever I want to be and feel what I actually feel.

I know my worry comes across... I am trying my best to be hopeful for you. You're right, I just want you to be healthy and happy and to live a long life. That is my wish for you. Back at you- you mean the world to me too...

Keep hope and love alive.

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moon,

Your words mean a lot to me: thank you. I'm glad you feel supported on your thread; thanks for letting me stick around there.

I visited the circle...my hand is looking for yours. Hugs and comfort...

Pepper xo

[Just Sara]

Dearest Pepper;

As always your emotive sentiments are given with loving intent; thankyou. You and I don't mince words when sharing our feelings about one another do we? :-)

I'm concerned for you and this depressive culture imploding on your world. So I'd like to be my practical self if that's ok.

The key phrase from your post was "...all my life". It resonated with me because as you know, I've dealt with trauma and its effects all my life too. The difference however (or similarity whichever way you see it) is depression.

I had to learn to lessen the effects of adrenaline and cortisol due to my overactive stress (fight/flight) response. Obviously it's taken me a long time to do this, with really positive results I must say.

Educating myself on both chemical and personal psychological info made things click eventually. Not to mention a great psychologist who interacted with me intellectually too; none of the "So, how did that make you feel?" rhetoric. I made this clear my 1st visit.

Below is a link to Harvard Uni. It's a report written with a lay person audience in mind. Please give it a look-see; I hope it helps.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression

It's really comprehensive on the many causes of depression. One interesting acronym, SAD, caught my eye; Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's not to say you have this, but it did give me pause.

I'm sure you've researched depression, but this is well balanced compared to others I've read. I guess my point here Pepper, is not to give up. Your avoidance, as we've both mentioned, is the opposite of what I've done. I ruminated until it nearly killed me.

My brain didn't know the difference between then and now. Once I realised this and focused on the present, those horrible memories didn't have power over me anymore. I changed my habitual thinking, responses and motives; my body responded in turn.

Panic/helplessness/self blame was my response; I was afraid of my own anger. So what's yours? Hopelessness? Heartache? Repressed anger? Excessively high expectations of yourself? Never feeling enough? Fear of failure? These make perfect sense considering your past.

Opening up and 'talking' with a trained 'listener' will unlock the answers. But do you really want this? Is the open and honest beast ready to be unleashed?

I love you dearly...

Sara xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

I am always very grateful to hear from you. Inknow you care a lot...back at you. No, we certainly don't mince words. Lol.

Honestly, I've gotten so used to this way of being- the sadness- that in my mind, it doesn't quite register that it is cause for concern or even a major issue. It's a bit like, "oh, I'm feeling sad again...meh...nothing new." When you mentioned concern, I just thought "wait, is it cause for concern?" I can't even tell.

You have made amazing progress 🙂 I hope you feel proud of yourself; what you've done is incredible. Talk about inspiring others...Thank you, I'll have a read through the article. It sounds comprehensive.

I appreciate what you're doing for me and that it must be tiring for you considering everything...thank you. I can see why you would suggest SAD but I don't think I have SAD...I'm sad generally throughout the year (lol)...

You ruminate. I avoid. You were overactive. I'm probably more underactive; I think it's why I don't like a slower pace of life. Any slower and I'm ready to pass out on the floor and just stare at the ceiling all day.

My response? I don't know...sadness is the overarching feeling but I'm guessing maybe it's a protective cover for a range of other emotions lurking underneath. I don't even know what they are...my instant response is "more sadness" but I don't even know if that's it.

There is some hopelessness, fear of failure maybe and heartache...but I can't even really tell because the sad emotion is stronger than anything else....maybe there's anger too but that's probably buried much deeper. Any time I do get angry (which isn't very often) it's like my brain and body goes "wait...this is a lot of effort, gotta conserve energy...let's be sad again" and I end up feeling sad all over again. Even though I'm not sure what I'm conserving energy for.

Hmmm...um...probably not...I'm relatively comfortable in my bubble of avoidance. I'm not saying it's healthy but because I'm so used to the sadness, I'm used to so it... it's not a shock to my system.

Anyway, thank you greatly for all the love and support. It means a lot and you mean a lot to me too.

Love you and sending you hope and well wishes,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

You know what? That's the best post I've read from you to date! I'm so happy.

Pepper...you go girl! I see someone who knows herself really well and has finally opened up about it. I completely understand now. :-)

When I began experiencing calm, I went into panic because I didn't know what was 'wrong' with me. Then it was...ah, that feels better. Ha! You know the point I'm making yeah?

How would you go experimenting with being actively engaged in an emotional tirade? Like you said, it doesn't 'feel' right, but what if your goal was to vent; really vent without control? I can recall you writing in this style only twice before, and I loved the words you used. It made you real without expectations of having to keep it together. Mostly 🙂

I had to explode quite a few times (in private) to know what lay beneath the surface mask I'd created. This included screaming into a pillow and slamming my poor bed with fists of fury; the relief was extraordinary. When anxiety hit, it was more about fear and communicating, a more recent response to recent events; but very enlightening.

The old stuff though, man, it was full of repressed anger, resentment and having a good ole tantrum. I missed out on expressing those things because I was punished for them. (Re childhood development)

Since becoming self aware, I now understand that expressing those emotions needs to be rational and mature with a positive outcome in mind. Anger scares people, that's for sure, so they respond either defensively, or go behind my back.

My mum ranted insensitively at me when I told her I had the c word. (Sorry, still can't say it) I responded calmly with; "If you continue to speak to me that way, I won't visit you at all"

Not only did that calm her down, it shocked her into being rational. I put all my disappointment and anger into one rational sentence instead of carrying on like an uncontrollable teen. It worked a treat and I'm sure mum had an ah-ha moment as well.

What I'm saying, is being out of control is learned. In your case, being overly controlled is also learned; maybe even both sides of the same coin when it comes to developing a communication style that works for adults, instead of children in adult bodies.

What say you?

I love talking about this stuff with you! We're back to the 'child within' discussion yeah?

Sara Freud xoxo ;-D