Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[livm88]

Hi Anony18,

I've been a bit lazy with training, and I did my first exam the other day (written/sit down exam). Sure I got at least 70% on each component, but I have no idea what the minimum is to pass (they won't tell us).

Good idea to challenge yourself in dance class! Need to challenge myself more...

I've been feeling ok for a bit, then not so good. The other day (police exam) got a surprise text from ex bf, wishing me good luck etc...Why did he have to do that, now I'm thinking about him again. But i'm still trying to only think of the reasons I broke it off, which were valid. But now i'm getting angry at my mum and myself, she's the type who likes to be very involved in her kids lives, and because i've never had many friends, she's one of the only people I share things with. Problem is, sometimes I feel like I maybe make problems of mine worse by telling her everything. Like for example, a few times I showed my disappointment when bf didn't message all day, or suggest coming over, and after that point, mum would always irritate me and make it worse on other occasions by saying "Aren't you going out with him tonight?".

All this makes me feel worse by the fact i'm 28, living at home with no hope of moving out until I find a better (and steady) job. I feel my mum just knows too much, has too much say in things (my fault for telling her everything in detail). And as for my crappy supermarket job, I've only had two 4hr shifts in 5 weeks, so it makes me more anxious like as if i'm starting a new job every time I go in there! I'm anxious about today's shift.

Lastly, at least I still have uni to look forward to, although i'm still worried about how i'll ever afford to keep doing it (3 days a week) and manage to find a job that will fit around it, while being enough money to live and save off. At least i've got the counsellor to look forward to on Monday (hope he's good!).

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Oh good luck! I hope you did well and passed it.

Yes challenge till my legs are so sore and I have tennis tonight so going to be interesting.

I understand having those moments and it doesn't help he messages to wish you good luck as feelings are still there and by him, doing that you miss him. It is tough. But it is good that you are thinking the reasons why you broke off as that is important. Completely understand the mum situation. My mum is the same and she always lets me know I can talk to her about anything. I use to tell her almost everything but now I have learnt not to about things - particularly my relationship. The reason being is by letting her know or my family - be prepared for the whole family to know - immediate and extended as well as even her friends. My mum is an oversharer. I know your mum wants to be there for you and does not intend to irritate you however if you think by sharing with her it may impact your feelings and mental health - it may be best to withhold. Just make sure though you have someone, if not your mum, to share all this is...even if it is the forums as I assume talking about things or at least having people who listen is something that gives you comfort. Listen with no judgements...if that makes sense.

As for living at home, if it gives comfort both my bf and I are 30 and live at home. But is the living at home upsetting you because your mum knows too much and expects you to share? Or is it the fact that you feel you are 28 and should be moving out? I know society tends to perceive by a certain age we need to move out of home however with the economy these days (sadly!) alot more people are living at home with their parents.

With the shifts you are getting - sorry to hear about that. I assume getting into the police is your way around to getting a stable job or is there another career path you looking to pursue after uni? As for uni, are you utilising HECS?

Glad you have an appointment with your counsellor on Monday - definitely talk to him about all of these issues/worries. Hope he is also good and you become comfortable with him.

Anony

[livm88]

Hi Anony18,

At least you're doing lots of exercise! Tennis is always fun (haven't tried it in years...say 10? lol).

Yes I guess you're right about the mum thing, they want to be there....and sometimes it can be too much, and with mine yes, the more I tell, the more she seems to have input/a say in things, and I guess encourages me with decisions. And also overshares!

I keep remembering the times we had together that weren't so great, such as quite a few occasions with his housemates/'family'/husband and wife duo....where many times he'd take me out somewhere like the city/Elizabeth Quay, we'd have a romantic stroll, then a bit after he would get messages from the 'bro' saying meet in the city. After that.....they'd rattle off in their language with a bit of English thrown in (I mean, I can't say it was all intentional- can't say anything bad about them as they were genuinely nice, but it made me feel like a third wheel!). And mostly, I try and remember all the nights I anxiously waited (after not seeing each other a few days) for his message, or that he would come over. When I think of these things, I see the bigger picture- that I wasn't happy with the amount of contact we had. And I guess I could see these people being a big part of our future together (ie...it would have been a few years before he'd want to live in a house without them!).

I guess what i'm going through is very normal?!? Especially after only 3 weeks! I hope it gets better soon....i've also been having this fear that i'll never meet anyone and feel the instant (reciprocal) attraction again!!! Can't say i've ever felt it before then...usually it's been I like someone, he doesn't feel the same, someone likes me I don't feel it....I mean my rational side knows this is silly, and everyone's probably felt it at some time. I guess another reason it's hard to feel like my mum understands is that.....before my dad she only went out with a few people, and for only a handful of dates. Then they married after only about 4 months being together (and I guess what makes me sad/envious is that they wanted to see each other all the time! Mum says it must have been 5 days a week!).

With the police, I guess I'm leaning on it as a definite job and steady income. I'm doing fine art at uni, though I feel I know the outcome will be negative if I continue for 3 years.

Ex bf hasn't texted me again which I know is probably a good thing, but now I can't help hoping he'll send one more? Must be crazy!

[blondguy]

Hi Olivia

Sorry to post so late in your thread. Usually I am quick in responding

If I can congratulate you on sitting for the Police entry exams and good on you. The income is good value let alone the benefits and job security too!

You have had the courage to post here and be pro-active with your own health (Ex BF Issues) situation as well

I dont see you having any problem achieving the goals you have set out to achieve.

just a post to say 'Well Done' for having the determination you possess

Nice1 Olivia 🙂

Best

Paul

[livm88]

Hi Paul,

Thanks! I guess I should be looking at everything in that way. I suppose that's my problem, I tend to only remember the good bits of everything, when the positives in this situation didn't outweigh the negatives.

As for the police, not sure i'll pass the tests this time round (well not prepared physically for the fitness test if it comes up in less than 6 weeks!), but if not, I can apply again in 6 months- not long to wait really.

Thanks again 🙂

Olivia

[blondguy]

Hey Olivia

Appreciate the post back 🙂

You have a great attitude....seriously......There is something you said that was another sign of mega strength...

livm88 Said: "if not, I can apply again in 6 months- not long to wait really"

What a breath of fresh air you are Olivia...Good on you!

My Best

Paul

[livm88]

Thanks Paul!

Yes, I guess i'm getting better at trying to see the positives! Another good thing is, with the Police, they seem very confident in everyone's ability to join- in fact many others at the test the other day had failed something the first time round (exam or physical), and from the speakers we had, many current recruits failed a few times (one guy got in after his 3rd attempt!).

And if not the Police, i'm thinking of putting in for the defence forces (I tried last year, went to the first exam....then changed my mind). Now i'm solo and don't need to think of what someone else is doing, I can go back to considering moving/being posted somewhere else.

Thanks again for your encouragement 🙂

Olivia

[Anony18]

HI Olivia

It has been only a few weeks and it is tough as you know. But the good thing, as Paul has mentioned above, is that you are showing signs of positive attitude. You appear to know what you want and are working towards moving on. It will take time as anything generally does.

Mum's are amazing people - they support and want to be there for us. But they been through alot or what we may in the past and so they tend to give advice based on fact things will turn out fine for them and it will for us. ....so why fuss about it or be so upset - hence their input. They probably are right but when we are the ones physically in the moment it is hard to think that way - therefore the feeling "they don't get it like my friends do" or "they don't understand what I'm going through".

With being envious - as humans we are always envious of what we cannot have or don't have. It is great your parents were like that. Hopefully in time you will find someone who will treat you like that and make you feel loved and wanted. You just may need to exercise a little patience 😃 In the meantime - work on the the police exams or defence and continue the positivity you are expressing. If you do get down - I am here 😃

I am feeling tired today from lack of sleep and also really missing my bf. Been 3 weeks since he is away and am hoping he is back soon as he said he be back beginning Feb - for some reason he tends to be vague about when he returns. Something to ask him about - be it cause he, himself, doesn't know when and the time, therefore don't want give me false hope - or telling me seems like he is reporting to me. Am really sore from tennis last night and all my activities. I took it up after 13 years of not playing last year. You never lose the ground strokes. So if you are keen - go on tennis.com.au and find the nearest club near you! Or if you have friends who play then you can have a hit with them.

[livm88]

Hi Anony,

Aww damn that sucks about your bf being away so long, and unsure exactly when he'll be back! I would be feeling anxious about it too! It's good that you have something like tennis to occupy your time/mind. I have to admit, I haven't been keeping up with the fitness regime I started (my excuse is the weather has been too hot lol), and whenever I think of doing it (morning or afternoon), I go for a more relaxed walk with mum and the dogs. The kind of tennis I played was....with some cheap rackets a the park whenever we had a family bbq haha.....I don't even know if I remember how to hold the racket now lol.

I definitely need to be more patient, I guess i've already forgotten the fact I wasn't looking for someone when I met my ex (and up to that point didn't believe mum and grandma that i'd meet someone when not looking!). So I need to go back to how I was single at the beginning of last year, and kept believing i'd one day meet someone when not expecting it.

Right now I'm looking at airfares (there's a window......i've got no work next week, only the counselling session on Monday afternoon). Only problem is, the timing! Too late to fly Monday night, Tuesday flights get to places after a layover on Wednesday- I have to go in store and check the roster for the week after by next Sunday 5pm! So I don't know if a 3 day trip is worth the cost of flights!?! Right now i'm imagining walking around Kuala Lumpur looking at the markets...and for some lunch 😛 haha

Oh well, i'll see how it all goes!

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Yes it sucks but hopefully he be back soon. His trip hasn't been that great. Which sucks for him. Haha yes the old weather excuse. I do the same. I am sure you will remember how to hold it but it may be the right grip to hit specific shots and aim accurately which be a different thing.

Do practice patience though I know it will be hard at times....but I have faith in you.

Well depends on how much you talking in terms of flights. But lots walking and eating do in KL. Do take into consideration travel time. Lots traffic jam there. So from airport might be a bit time get to your hotel, and if you do go, you may want stay close to the shops where you can easily walk 🙂