Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

Yes in the end I had to admit to myself (and him) that it wasn't going to work, if it wasn't working the last few months, and I kept telling him how I felt, but not matter what kept feeling this way. I couldn't go on this way for long! I know it won't be easy to get over straight away, but it's the best decision for both of us.

Yes, i'm lucky I have my mum, sisters and cousin to talk to, and they've been very supporting. I've finally booked a doctor's appointment to see if I can get some mental health care plan and get the free sessions with a counsellor.

I think for the near future, I will focus on myself and improving my career outlook, it might be good if I stay single for a while. I have a feeling though i'll be very cautious and hesitant if I ever meet anyone else, I wont fall so easily for sudden interest and professions of love!

Thanks again 🙂

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Sorry it has ended with both of you. But also congrats on taking that big step to end things. It is a very tough decision to break things off when you have feelings for someone. But you had such immense courage to do so, recognising that he hasn't been there for you as you needed or required. As a person who worries alot, it is tough not to feel slightly anxious from time to time. I do still (sometimes about work and sometimes I realise it comes from lack of sleep) but end of it - your bf should be there to listen and cater to your needs as you do to his. The fact that he had a day off and spent with his friends showed how he felt. Understand if he hasn't seen these friends for ages but not when he lives with them. He could have even just mentioned that he could come over at night to hang out. In addition, as Lynda has mentioned, his response seemed to say how he felt. However it could be a mask I don't know. However irregardless how he truly feels about the break up - you need to look after yourself, your needs and emotions first! Hope your new friend is able help you with that. If not - do know that we are still here to hear you out 🙂

On a more positive subject - a huge congrats on signing up to the WA Police. Do wish you immense good luck with the WA Police exams. Am sure there is an intense fitness test you will need to get through! As for Singapore do look for good deals on Scoot. Every Tuesday they release them and during the non-school holidays (both Perth & Singapore) they can get as cheap as $99 one way (with no baggage!) I flew Jetstar which isn't as bad as Tiger. To be honest I would not really fly Tiger. It is so cramped. Jetstar is still slightly cramped but alright. It is a budget airline.

My bf is now in Queenstown with his best mate. The day before he was leaving I did text him if he finished his packing and could see him that night. His response was that he had a few things to do but will make time for me. Which was such a sweet thing to hear. He was up til 2am sorting his camping gear with his mate though so got a msg Thurs morning about 5am to explain what happen and said if i wanted he could come over. So was really glad to I manage to see him. Do miss him now but have all the catch ups with friends and Fringe festival to keep me busy :)​

[livm88]

Hi Anony18 🙂

It's great that your bf made time to see you! I can imagine how you'd be missing him right now 🙂 At least you can have fun with your friends while he's away! Sounds like a good guy though!

That's great to know about Singapore 🙂 All the flights i've looked at for Feb seem to be minimum $370 return! So i'll have to go on the Scoot site around midnight Monday the day before booking! (if I can go!).

As for the bf situation, while i'm mostly relieved...and I suppose feel free (and looking back realised I probably was anxious and insecure/unhappy about our relationship for probably half of it!) I have slight feelings of guilt (or being sorry) for ending it over text....I just knew I couldn't do it in person, as he'd try to convince me to stay, and it'd probably have worked. I guess i'm just a very sensitive person, so while I see all the facts, how he'd treated me a lot of the time, I would never want to hurt him (I guess i'm saying I can forgive- hopefully he's done the same). The womanly (?) part of me felt I was helping him by being in the relationship, for the fact he really missed his mum (passed away when he was a kid). I guess I liked to feel needed.

But in the end I know my choice was for the best, I wrote down a list of pros and cons, and while there were some pros (I can't deny the good times we had! and he's not a bad person, just not the right time for a relationship for him), the list of cons was twice as long! And it was mainly stuff regarding subtle ways he was trying to change and/or control me, and the fact I felt low on his priority list (very much felt I was competing for attention he mainly gave work, home duties, and his 'adopted' family of 'brothers' and their wives who he'd been living with for 3 years).

I'm glad we can both move on, in the directions we want to go! I just hope I can let go of these feelings of sadness/guilt for him (it'll also be hard to go to the places we went together).

I'm crossing my fingers about the Police 🙂 I've started a fitness routine (from which i've discovered I must have been quite unfit before :P). I've also seen a doc, and he's referred me to a psychologist for 6 free counselling sessions, which unfortunately don't start until early Feb (very popular guy), but hopefully this will help!

No doubt i'll still be around these forums 🙂

Thanks again,

Olivia 🙂

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Try not to feel guilty about breaking up by text. You did what you thought and felt was right. Everyone has different ideas what the right way of breaking up is but there is no right or wrong. Just what feels right for that relationship at that time. Based on what you saying, it appears to be right as you knew that face to face he may have convinced you otherwise and you may still be facing the issue.

Glad you wrote a pros and cons. As I said before, relationships is about compromises due to the different personalities we are but of course you can't entirely try to change a person's ideals or thoughts or actions if they don't want to. Visiting places where you shared good memories at this point will be hard for sure but hopefully soon enough you will get there and hopefully when you are ready you will find the guy for you - that will cherish and spend the time and give you the security you need 😃

Completely understand about the fitness regime. I am heading back to dance in a few weeks. It is going to be interesting given that been off it for a couple months. I went back to the gym after holiday last week. After 2 weeks of no exercise (other than walking) I was struggling!

Will definitely see you around the forums. Feel free keep typing here and updating me.

Anony

[livm88]

Hi Anony,

Yes, I know you're right! It's definitely true, if i'd seen him in person, as always he would have had a great list of excuses/reasons not to break up (or more like....behaviour excuses), it's likely i'd still be with him now! So I know I made the best decision.

Looking back over the months....I really feel as well as personality, a lot of it may have been a big culture clash. We just couldn't understand each other's cultures, or change (I certainly didn't try to change anything about him!).

Ahh yes...the fitness regime....not sure if it's what's been making me extremely tired lately 😛 I'm starting very slow (is it normal to have tight breathing when you're not used to running?).

What sort of dancing do you do?

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Culture clashes are a very big thing and hard when you can't compromise or see from each other's perspective. I had explain to me bf why he had to call my mum Mrs xxx instead of by her first name. It's an Asian culture. He understood so that helps. Am a bit more westernised to be honest so would not be able to date someone with full on Asian cultures. No offence to those out there! It is what you can see yourself compromise and what the other person does too.

It is normal. It is called unfitness as you are not used to it. I get like that! Just make sure you recover your muscles ie drink a protein shake or eat some protein. Good you start slow. It is better do that than jump into it. It ruins your body. I know from experience haha.

I do jazz, jazz funk and hip hop. Last year instead of hip hop I did dancehall but it is quite a late class so decided not do it this year.

[livm88]

Hi Anony18,

So you have some cultural issues to get around too 🙂 (well your boyfriend does I guess?!). Must make it a little more difficult than a relationship with two people from the same culture.

I think maybe I have a problem of.....being interested in other cultures, I find myself less interested in the idea of being with someone who grew up the same way I did? Sounds....maybe a bit racist (to my own people haha!), I guess i'm interested in 'different'.....but that turned out to be.....deeper than just where we came from etc! Harder than I thought, although to be honest when we met and he showed keen interest, I thought to myself "this will be hard, I don't think I can date someone with such a different culture". I guess I predicted the future.

But after everything, I definitely feel like I was doing all the compromising and changing myself to suit him (it really hurt when he said "you dress terrible, you dress like a middle aged lady!"). He always covered himself by saying he always tells the truth to the 'people he loves', like it was to help me. Hope I can get over him soon!!!

As for the fitness....i'm definitely going slow (like I go to the oval with my dogs, do a few half laps of the oval, then some exercises, and feel like i've been there 30+ mins, turns out to be max 15 mins :P). I wonder if oats/porridge counts as protein? I just (barely...with long teeth haha) finished a bowl.

Wow that's a lot of dance 🙂 Sounds like fun! So what's dancehall?

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

I won't say they are big issues as I am mixed of European and Asian and living in Perth am more westernised than anything. The few culture things I hold on to, my bf is fine with, ie calling my mum Mrs XXX. The interesting one will be about religion. I am not a strong believer but I do have believe and if I have kids in future - would like them to follow. Have not had that big talk about religion as yet with my bf but we are both Christians - different kinds but the closest kinds - so doubt it be a big issue. It will be a topic if things do progress that way down the line.

Agree with you. Knowing different cultures is interesting but just like specific personalities, sometimes the cultures may not fit with your own...if that makes sense. It is no different to religious beliefs or what you look for in a person. Certain characteristics that is ok to one person is not ok to another.

Oats has protein in it...i think. Porridge is mostly carbs.

It is really good fun. If you are interested you should look into whether there is a school near you. Dancehall is Jamaican dance. Very high intensity but fun.

[livm88]

Hi Anony18,

Well that's good if you're both Christian, you should be able to keep both your beliefs and be accepting! At least a lot easier (from my understanding!) than similar branches of other religions (even ex bf's religion was different to Hindi, but they all get along).

I guess with differences of culture, neither wants to abandon theirs (understandably) but it would be unfair to make one change completely for the other (and not to sound racist, but I feel people like me of Western culture....are probably more likely to adapt to the stronger non-western one (I'd say even more so if the westerner is the woman!). And....especially in a culture where the son is expected to lead the family!

Carbs....you're probably right, I feel rather bloated after eating them.

Dancehall sounds cool 🙂 Might have to do some research!

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

How are you? and how has your training been going?

Dance has started this week and already interesting. Bit challenging due to unfitness and the pace of an intermediate class which is new to me. Decided push up from beginner to Intermediate to challenge myself.

Hope you are coping ok!

Anony