Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[Anony18]

HI livm88

I'm a person who worries alot too and also had my doubts about my current relationship with my partner - is he losing interest or not. It is hard of course that he works alot which consumes alot of his time. In addition it is also hard when because of lack of communication you unsure how he feels now.

I do not know your partner that well so I am unsure why he is acting the way he is. The only way to find out is to speak to him and find out why he been acting the way he does of late. Communication is key and establishing compromises and boundaries.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

[livm88]

Thanks Anony18,

I guess what you've said is plain and simple....the truth. I'll have to communicate with him. I guess it's the hard part, bringing up serious feelings like the one's i've been having.

Olivia 🙂

[pipsy]

Hi livm88. Why should you have to learn his language? I find his attitude extremely rude and offensive. He's speaking a foreign language with his mates, in front of you. Each time he asks you out, he invites his mates along. He is taking it for granted that you are going to accept without question everything he suggests or does. I think perhaps it's time you told him how you feel, ask him exactly what his feelings for you are. I question whether his feelings are genuine, he seems unwilling to show affection in front of others. It could be a cultural thing, but for your own peace of mind, you need to know how things are. If his feelings are genuine, he should not be ordering you to learn his language. Does he speak English at work? I realize Australia is multicultural, but mixed-race relationships can cause problems with language difficulties, shared living etc. Some men have certain expectations of where women should be in the relationship.

Lynda

[livm88]

Thanks Lynda!

Glad i'm not the only one who finds it offensive (my mum also agrees). It's mostly just been he and I on outings, but lately more with friends...

I sent him a polite message today saying when you read this message I want to talk sometime. He did end up calling just now after work, and I wouldn't go into depth, but he obviously understood, when I said "I can't remember what it was I wanted to say", he said "I know why, it's something you want to say in person." Which I said yes of course. But no indication of when that will be (I mean we live 10 mins away, he could easily have popped in just then on his way back from work (new job in the suburb next to mine, and my suburb is on the way back before his...all I needed was 30 minutes!).

He definitely has to speak English at work, so it's not that he doesn't have the ability. I guess maybe he's more immature than he seems on the surface, I'm now wondering? It's the first relationship for both of us....so I guess I have to be somewhat lenient...

But maybe i've got him worried a little and he might start to consider my words? Like it's really something I want/need to discuss.

I guess I'll know by the way he reacts. He's even expressed his opinions on immigrants to other countries very firmly- they should adopt the new country's ways and culture etc....(which in that sense I think he should be lecturing his housemates/friends on this, like one of the guys' wife doesn't speak much English, shouldn't he be happy for us to do so when all together, if she's planning on being here as a citizen with her husband? Wouldn't that make more sense?).

I guess i'll just have to do more anxious waiting (for us to see each other in person...hopefully soon in the next few days!) so we can have an honest discussion.

I really want it to all be ok, I guess relationships aren't too easy?!

Thanks for listening!

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. Sorry to say this, but he doesn't seem to be too worried about what you want to talk about. If he was that keen, he would've arranged to call in on his way to or from work, providing he wasn't starting or finishing too late. As you say, his reactions will speak volumes. Hopefully he will try to compromise to make the relationship flow. Relationships aren't easy, but if the people involved are both wanting to make it work, things can be sorted. If it is a language barrier and he is more comfortable with his own language, you need to discuss this too. How long has he been in Australia, how long have you known him? Perhaps it might be an idea to see what you can learn about his customs if you want to pursue this relationship. He possibly have been raised with certain beliefs and ideals which could mean he may expect certain behaviour from you. I'm not trying to put you off him, but you need to be aware of what he expects, the same as he needs to respect you.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

I guess you're right, he doesn't seem worried about what I want to talk about....I guess he's not used to hearing me talk about what I don't like about our relationship (because when I'm with him and want to....I always end up avoiding it!).

It definitely annoyed me yesterday, while he worked 9am-6:30pm, he could have easily dropped by (my house is so close by on his way home!) just for half an hour.

The thing is a few months ago he was REALLY working a lot (like 80hrs some weeks), and still popped over after work at 9/10pm even with having to wake at 4am next morning.....so I don't know what's changed or happening lately for him to be less available...

As for his culture, he seems always keen to tell me about that, I know they value work over many things...I feel sometimes like he holds his culture in very high regard, like it's superior to western culture. Sometimes I feel he bashes my culture too much, and like I don't have traditions or customs (but I did bring this up in the past that it hurt my feelings to have my background put down so much, and we seemed to come to an understanding).

I guess I'll see how our next talk goes....when he decides he's next free!

[JessF]

I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that no-one posting in this thread can speak another language fluently, or has had the experience of having to move to another country, adopt that culture, and speak that language full time. If you did, you would begin to have an idea of how exhausting that is. If you are planning to be in a long-term relationship with someone from another culture who speaks another language, then I personally think it is rude and arrogant to not want to learn their language.

I can understand him speaking his first language at home to his flatmates - this is probably the only opportunity he gets to do it.

Is he "losing interest"? Relationships always have a honeymoon period at the start, where both parties usually ignore the flaws of the other. The next part is the tricky one, working out how you are going to compromise and integrate into each other's lives. Open communication here is the key , and not being afraid to have conflicts and arguments during this phase. Not expecting your partner to be able to mind-read is another part of this. Thinking he doesn't care about you because he didn't come past your house to have a "we need to talk" chat after a long, hard day at work is (I feel) a bit over the top. From what you've recounted of your conversation with him, it sounded very vague as to what your expectations were, and you admit to avoiding difficult discussions.

His worldview on many things is likely to be wildly different to yours. I imagine some of these differences were what attracted you to him in the first place. Have some passionate conversations, and try not to take criticisms of culture so personally.

With him inviting out the flatmates when you are socialising, it sounds like you are feeling excluded in that particular situation. Again, you can talk about that. But I do wonder... have you tried introducing him to any of your friends, for example? Integrating him into your life? Or are you putting yourself on hold waiting for his calls, for him to make the arrangements of what you will do together etc?

My advice is to try not to lose your sense of self, of who you were before this relationship started. Good luck with your honest discussion. It will be the first of many to negotiate as part of a successful relationship!

[livm88]

Thanks JessF!

A great perspective, a way I guess i've avoided looking at things. That is one of the things that attracted me to him, i've always been interested in Indian culture, always wanted to travel there. And I really would like to learn his language (Hindi too, but his regional language preferably if he'd help teach me).

Now when you say it, I guess it was a bit over the top expecting him to come over after a long day....probably not the best time to have open communication when he's not all there!).

I have hinted a few times next time a friend and I see a movie he could come along. He did drop a subtle hint last time over the phone when I said I was doing this, but I still wasn't sure if he was serious? I know friends would like to meet him!

Thanks for your advice, it really helps! Brightened my day a little,

Olivia 🙂

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Sorry been absent for a bit. Been fairly busy. Had few issues of my own. Expecting your bf to pop by after work to talk may have been a bit too much. Although yes you want to talk and resolve ASAP (I do know the feeling!!!) it sometimes is better talk when he isn't overly exhausted. The important thing is that he recognises that you need talk and so schedules a time soon enough to chat, ie not avoiding it. My bf worked crazy hours and also has a busy life at home. On top he has meds now that makes him drowsy. It makes it difficult when I want to talk but he recognises urgency and tries schedule an available time to chat. I don't know talking about issues over the phone as well so it isn't as simple as him giving me a phone call.

Have you manage chat with him since?