Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Dear Sara
my sweet sweet Sara I wish I was really with you, I wouldnt mind cming
to live in freezing cold conditions with a caring person such as
yourself but one who give it straight as well

I have relapsed into everything inclduing my depression and at this
point I dont know what to do or where to go or anything. At the
moment im completley defeated!

I cant show them my journal and I wouldnt be reading them out loud
anyway half the stuff I write in there is something I dont want to
reread and yeah my body did take quite a big beating- even I had to give in to go to hospital and that is something I avoid at all costs but when I
seen how much damage id done I knew it was going to need a lot more
than just abit of dettol and cover it and I was right

I have asked for help, I dont want to anymore
and im not speaking to my mother about it not a chance and I dont want
her or anyone else to touch me a the moment- I dont know what is
wrong with me. I cant cope, I cant sleep eat mange through the day.
Anything at all. I dont even know how Im managing to type really


im not worthy and im not valuable and ive found out today just how
unworthy I am Sara. Everyhting points to that and I can seem to see a
light anymore. All I can see is darkness

[startingnew]

im upset and angry at the same time- I have absolutly no privacy what so
ever. I thought my car was a safe place but its not so I thought id
change it to my my intimtes draw ad guess what event hats not private
and not a safe place.
Both my sister has been through my draw and now my mum- how unfair is that

i never go into anyone elses draws not even my pops unless im asked to by that person who owns them and i get exactly what they want out of exaclty the draw they tell me too. i think its rude to go through other peoples draws.my sister comes out last night and said ive put your clothes that you had on the floor into the basket. i said thank you- i left the clothes folded on the floor as i had to duck out quickly and was putting them away when i got bac. and then when i went into my draw this morning of all things my underweear had been put away and not by me and they were my new ones that i had brought that were WITH my folded clothes that i was going to put away. hmm. and my mother has been into that draw so many times as well. and i knew she was in there recently as she put an envelope with her savings in it in the draw and i didnt stick it in there.so now i really dont ahve anywhere private and now it doesn surprise me if they go through my car and things too now as if i needed this right now and as if i didnt feel trapped and out of control already now i find they go through my intimate draw! mind you if they need a storage spot stick it in my socks draw- whihc is RIGHT underneath my intimate draw.its not alot of private things in there but it did have my nans funeral bit from the news paper and also the cards ive been writing to her on her bday and xmas- please dont judge on thatso now i really have no where. i dont know what to do or where to go. it really set my depression even lower as it makes me think what kind of person am i if they are going through my initmate draw wow thats just really scooped to a new low for me

[startingnew]

It has just gotten a
lot harder for me
so in the last two
hours ive SH and still fighting the urges
I did go to the
horses and the bullies were there, they werent near me but they kept
staring at me. I cant take it anymore! Then I got my horses in and
have now discovered my horse has an eye ulcer and now I have to get
the vets out to treat her eye. Weve had a horse with an ulcer before
and it requires going there to the paddock to treat her twice a day-
antibitics twice a day, I have to syringe her eye with saline water
then treat it with a cream as wel designed for ulcers
so theres that. I
now have to clean out two paddocks everyday if not twice a day.

And ill be by myself
because sisters are at school and its pretty much a one person job
anyway and my mother is at work during the day for both times

aand the horse with
the ulcer has to go into the sick yard which guess where it is- its
attactched to the friggin bullies yard! I have to see them everyday
if not twice a day now. This isnt going to be fun at all and I
actually have to partly go into their paddock to get to my horse. So
great even better

and im among going
to the horses twice a day- treating horses and cleaning paddoacks and
filling waters, caring for pop and getting him to the places he needs
to be, horse holiday if need be, my sisters riding lesson cleaning
the house and keeping up to date with everything, I still have to go
to my nurse on wednesday morning after I take the kids to school so I
wont have time to get to do the horse unless im up super early t go
down there cause by the time im finised there itll be time to get the
kids and go back there, then on thursday ive got my psychitrsit
appointment in the monring so again same predicament and then again
on friday when I have to go to my gp in the morning but I can get the
horse done after there on friday


how the heck am I going to do that all on my own- its just taken me 2 hourse to do the horses and that was with help let alone one my own

[Just Sara]

You're obviously overwhelmed hun; you can only do one thing at a time in any given moment.

Placing all this pressure on yourself isn't productive. Please have a look at the way you've written your last post; there are no paragraph breaks or pauses between sentences. This is how your mind's working at present...10 to the dozen. You need to slow things down and make a list.

Take each situation one at a time and try to problem solve. Stuff with your Pop can be helped with support from respite and home care services in your area. Talk with your mum about calling them.

Talk with your GP and psychiatrist about SH and feelings with invasiveness. This is a sore point for anyone who's been raped or sexually assaulted. Yes, your underwear drawer contains personal clothing, but people putting things away there aren't invading your body. Think about whether you're overreacting or not.

I'd also suggest it's time to include your mum in how your mental illness and lack of privacy is affecting you. If you can't face doing that, then ask her to accompany you to the doctors or psychiatrist. I know you don't want her involved with all this, but you're living in her home and at least have people around you. Use every resource you have to support yourself.

There's bound to be a committee dealing with horses and events nearby, contact them to ask for help or if they can't, steer you towards someone who can.

With your journal, keep info on your pc with a PIN or password, not a physical book.

And finally, it seems your family are trying to help you with washing etc; this is a gift. Feeling invaded is something that needs discussion with those you live with, it might work out it's all a misunderstanding.

If you doubt their sincerity, don't keep secrets in your space. The cards to your Nan etc are personal, but not what I'd call secretive. It shows you're caring and grief stricken, that's a normal response to the situation.

Make that list and learn to make decisions and problem solve before you live on your own. And, please consider there are others involved here; you're not solely responsible for everything and everybody. Use your voice, words and 'calm'; anger will just enflame things.

I hope this helps. Remember to take deep breaths while talking and listen carefully.

Big hugz...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

im so tired and flat Sara

i can hardley move at the moment and all i feel is defeat

i dont have the energy this time to pull myself up

defeat is all i feel and as much as hate hospital im really considering it as the other day i was very tempted to put my plans into place to not be here

[Just Sara]

You haven't mentioned you'd made plans Essen; it's time to call the mental health team in your state. Either that or an ambulance.

Please don't put it off any longer, you need serious intervention and support. Don't listen to anyone who says "Oh come on, you'll be fine", just do this for you...please hun.

I want you back with me in good health and spirits ok. It's time you let someone else take care of you. I hope there's a good hospital in your area with the exceptional MH team you deserve.

Take my warm and gentle thoughts with you...

Sara xoxo

[startingnew]

im so scared Sara

and i didnt want to meantion it because its not something id want to tell but i trust you

[Guest_322]

Hey SN,

You sound absolutely shattered and emotionally wiped- like you can barely stand upright. It's a painful place to be.

I think it's very serious if you are making plans and having those dark thoughts- I think Sara has a point about seeking some sort of intervention.

On another note, I haven't really consistently followed your thread and can't remember what treatments/therapies you're using but can I gently suggest maybe CBT to combat some of your panicked/distressed thought patterns?

Obviously, dealing with your plans and making sure you're safe is a much higher priority right now.

But I'm thinking- in the long-term- that maybe CBT can help you to healthily challenge some of your panicked thought patterns and help you problem solve.

CBT helped me to pull the plug on escalating thought patterns (just to clarify, I'm not talking about your plans in this instance but I'm referring to your stresses and frustrations). I mean, CBT doesn't work for everyone- no one size fits all approach- and it does take some time before it's effective but maybe it's something to consider.

Anyway...right now, your safety is the higher priority. I would like to echo Sara's message about seeking help. Sorry, I probably won't be visiting regularly on your thread but know that you're in my thoughts. Hang in there.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

My darling Essen;

You're scared because you think you only have 'you'. There's help out there where people know 'exactly' what to do and what you need. Let them take over and do what they do best...support you and get you back on track. I didn't know what to expect when I went to the psych ward, but it was the best decision of my life.

Thankyou for trusting me, it's good to know you trust somebody. Please take my advice and call for help. I can't stress this enough, you know I can't be there in person and don't have access to your information; this has to be done by YOU.

I'll keep an eye on here throughout the day, I'm hoping you post to tell me someone's on their way to pick you up for hospital.

One step at a time...don't worry about the tomorrow's.

Squeezing hug...

Sara xoxo

Thankyou Dottie for calling in. You have such a giving spirit. x

[white knight]

Hi startingnew,

I started today badly. Just one of my down bipolar days

then i read your post of not self harming for so many days.

You have picked me up and wiped my eyes made me soooo happy.

You have the gift of honesty that such openness should be rewarded with good appreciative company.

Fear not, there is zero to apologize for.

You are amazing.

Tony WK