My dear innocent girl;
I cried when I read your story above. I feel so much compassion towards you right now, because I 'know' exactly how you feel; I've lived it. I'd like to give you wisdom that was never given to me in the hope it helps you in your recovery.
You haven't said if you've disclosed this to your mother; is this what you mean by 'it's been dealt with now'? The reason I ask, is that mother's aren't so much equipped to deal with this sort of issue, but they're wonderful to cry on.
If you haven't yet, the words you begin with when you do have the courage is; "I need my mother. I don't know if I can get thru this without you" She'll probably need to seek counselling for herself, but that's a step in the right direction for you both. Secrets are toxic...
Men like 'him' groom parents before they groom children. Your mum is a victim too. They scout for vulnerable single mothers to prey on, instilling false trust so her children will ultimately be left alone with them. Polarising tactics they use like violence and love, creates confusion...on purpose.
Enticing you to watch x rated dvd's, (making you a so-called accessory) is abuse (as well as a crime) and part of the grooming process. He needed for you to feel ashamed, dirty and blemished to make you self blame.
In my case, my body felt pleasure. That haunted me like a lead yoke around my neck; I was 11 and never spoke those words until I was in my late 30's, to a clinical psychologist.
He told me this was normal as the body/mind detach during this type of trauma. (Fight, flight, freeze response) Needless to say I wept like a baby and grieved from my heart for the decades I thought I was born a whore.
It's going to be a long road ahead. PTSD symptoms (including anxiety) can be managed, especially because of early intervention on your part. So congratulations! You're mighty, mighty! It takes courage to find your voice at such a young age.
I'll continue to support you by checking in when I can. Ask me anything ok? Re you being a disappointment; how would you respond to your sister if she thought this about herself? Now say it to yourself...
I'm bloody proud of you for speaking up! You and your mum were conned by a very experienced predator, end of story.
Warm and gentle thoughts...
Sara
