Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

i also caught up on my studies today so im no longer behind im right back on shedule and i think ive worked out my new psychologist.

but what is hitting me hard besides my gp appointment today and the overwhelming talk i had to have ... again.....

is that my an passed away and in 2 days time -13th it will be her first birthday not being here and its really hitting hard. very hard in fact to the point ive fallen through the floor again

[startingnew]

also i think ive worked out my psych and also caught up on study

but as well my grief has pushed my through the floor ad its my nans first year of not being here for her birthday on the 13th and its really getting to me and its all mixed in with everything and making ti all worse

[startingnew]

Im super struggling
What did i do to deserve all these bad experiences 😞
Someone obviously wanted to tourture me
Why am i still even here 😞

[Just Sara]

Ok...so there's nothing good about your life? What about the people on here who care about you? What about the fact you can walk, talk, have food to eat and a roof over your head, are PC literate, are only 20 with the rest of your life ahead of you, live in a safe environment with family, and are intelligent and productive?

How can you count your blessings if you only count your hardships? When times are tough, that's the time to acknowledge how lucky you are.

It's beautiful you had your Nan in your life, some aren't as lucky. Would she enjoy watching you suffer like this or would she prefer to watch you celebrating your life and learning to 'cope' with adversity? Grieving the loss of a loved one is inevitable for all of us. It hurts, it really hurts. There's nothing you can do except 'feel it'.

I've commented before about not being taught to 'experience' grief and sadness in our society. You rarely talk about your family; how are they coping with their grief? Have you been there for them? Have you asked them to be there for you?

Please use the techniques you've learned and turn the computer off! It's not a person and can't hug you or have tears running down its cheeks. You have family in your life, be 'with' them...we can't ever be that close.

One day at a time...

Sara x

[startingnew]

My family done support me Sara, ive been there for them and asked for help.

my sisters are ok and are doing great and my mum is still going good except for special occassions and im the one who kept scraping her back up off the floor when nan died and i do it every single time when she hits a rough spot. i take care of my sisters and make sure they enjoy life by letting them experience the good things, i help my mother where i can and my pop as well and for everyone i give them my attention and im there for them emeotionally as well.

when i meantioned to them that i needed help do you know what i got? i got told to get over it, stop being a baby, grow up so yes i have asked them for help a few times and each time i get shot back down.

yes i know the basics of life and all the things youve meantioned about being grateful. i wish i could keep thinking like that but when im constantly tormented by memories, overwhelming feelings and thoughts. there isnt a day that goes by that im not triggered and its very friggin hard for me to live by

[startingnew]

sorry

[Just Sara]

Please don't be sorry, this is the place to talk about the very things you've mentioned.

Your family aren't perfect, neither are mine. They are though, all we have. Leave expectations at the door and try to focus on changing you so coping with people gets easier.

It's really amazing you helped your family in times of need, but you have to give yourself that same empathy first. If they're not seeming to be there for you, nothing can change that. When you become more confident, they'll be drawn to you I promise.

Wishing things would be different will never change reality. You're the only person you can control, so it's up to you to do the doing.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but it's hard for me because feeling sympathy isn't productive as your supporter. You've done so well; I'd love for you to see things the way I do.

When you post to people and help them with wise and wonderful words, pretend you're speaking to yourself; that's what I do.

Please take some time away from here, and visit the real world of colour and beauty; you deserve nothing less.

Sara xo

[startingnew]

Im not doing so great everything is so overwhelming. Thinking about upcoming tests for a lump and a pap smear which is extremely triggering. Today is my nans birthday and its our first year shes not with us then tomorrow is the date of my sisters attack then a few days after is my nans date of death. So not handling it too well.

Im usually only on here once a day and im usually with the family all the friggin time.

[startingnew]

Just checking in everyone

Hopefully everyones doing better

Happy easter to you and your families

[Starwolf]

I hope you have a good day too.

A lot of anniversaries, all painful to remember. Please keep in mind that the past has no future. It can no longer hurt you but dwelling on it does. Living each day, each moment for itself is no easy thing to do. But there is freedom in learning to do it. We miss far too much of Life, forever reliving the past and torturing ourselves with negative thoughts about the future...Meanwhile the present (which is all we really have) escapes us.

Please catch today and make it count.