Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

yes FA that is how im feeling

ive got an expansion of that but i think that expresses it pretty well

and thank you for being here

[Falling_Angel]

SN would you like to talk further about how you are feeling? is this the right thread ? what are u up to today? anything at all thinking of you while im taking my medication and trying to tidy up my very messsy unit i have the cleaner coming soon im just holding on hoping not to vomit im feeling like that again but ill be watching xx -hugs-xx FA

[Just Sara]

Hi Essen;

I'm here honey...

I've read through your thread and see things have been up and down. What strikes me though, are moments of brave accomplishments. I'm so proud of you and your progress.

The physical side of things have been really scary. It's overwhelming when this happens, so the fact you're still hanging in there is a credit to you.

(Just wondering if you've had your appendix out? It's also on the right side)

Having a pelvic exam was one of your greatest fears, so to have this done as well as all the tests is absolutely amazing! Well done my sweet...

I also see you've been researching how to get more appt's for psych visits; well done on that front too.

Your poem is very descriptive in expressing your pain; not to mention the long list of current problems. I really feel for you...

I'm concerned about your responsibilities with family; is there anyone who helps you? Or are you dealing with all of this on your own?

When I was admitted to hospital, the biggest relief was being cared for by others. It took a while to adjust, but when I did, the break away from responsibilities turned out to be a blessing. I so want this for you...to experience vulnerability in the care of people who're there just for you.

I may not be on your thread as often as I used to be; I still care, so I'll pop in now and then to check up on you hun, ok?

Day by day, step by step...

Big squeezing hug!

Sara xo

[startingnew]

Hi FA

yes this is the right thread
I dont know what I want anymore except for to be well and im scared out of mind mind, I dont even know if that describes it enough really but I cant think of
anything else right now

i cant stop thinking about it- i want it all to be removed now but i ahve to wait 6 months before they can even tell me whats next. of it grows then its gettign worse and i need to see a speacialist and if its still there but it hasnt changed then i get another pap smear in 6 months and then if its still there again then i see a specialist so i ahve to wait either 6 or 12 months to figure out whether is going to dissapear or whether its goignt o grow

i dont it in me anymore or at all and it scared the crap out of me when she said it to me and i was literally speachless and in shock

I dont want any more
tests, or results, or appointments- mind you ive had 150 appointments
in 6 months which is 130 days




ive been on an
exercise bike for 3 hours watching movies while doing the washing as its suppose to be raining most of next week. I also went for a drive this morning

I wish it was as simple as just throwing it up, do you know many times ive just wanted to do that instead of it bubbling away and staying there but getting worse but nothing ever coming up
im hoping you start to feel better

[startingnew]

Hi Sara
well thats a new one
instead of SN




I dont feel live ive
had mnay accomplishments though, I dont know how im hanging in there,
I shouldve went to hospital when I was intenting on acting on S
plans, thankfully I won against those but its not over yet




yes I had the pelvic
exam but I wish I didnt get the results- its scaring the heck out of
me. I dont want it but now the memeries will remian with me forever
since thats how it was caused.





Yeah im hoping to
get some more therapy though im questioning it and whether I want to
go back. Im not wanting to work through much at the moment even
though I know it has to be done.




I just want to be
Well Sara- I dont want any more tests, or results, or appointments-
mind you ive had 150 appointments in 6 months which is 130 days




unfortunatley I feel
worse than the poem- maybe I should add in the extra bit that I have
for it..




my family
responsibilites well now that pretty much hasnt changed exept mum is
off two days a week and she usually picks up the kids but other than
that im on my own




I ahvent got friends
outside the forum anymore either and ive been dealing with constant
bullying 😞




I dont have the
support of my family and theres no way on earth am I telling my
mother about the hpv not a chance in this universe!




When I got 3
ultrasounds done for the pain- they did everywhere between my chest
and uterus including both of those to help explain anything and that
all came abck clear
so thats what the
bloods are for- to find out if theres somesort of internal bug eating
away at my insides that wouldnt be picked up on ultrasounds plus they
want to check everything they can in the bloods to see if theres
anything at all inlcluding thyroid, ibs and all the rest


I know your u sually
with me Sara, if not always just as the loveley FA is (which i really appreicate from both of you) I got pretty worried when I didnt see your name pop up
for a while though. That had me very worried considering what we were talking about when we last spoke. 1 I thought I triggered you badly and secondly I didnt think you were going to forgive me either- you
sounded angry which was part of you mentoring so I get it but that
was another fear- that I wasnt going to be able to speak to you again

im glad you think your able to pop in every now and then though id love and appreciate it if you did

[startingnew]

Oh Sara just another question for you as well

you said your bisexual too yeah? im sure it was you but i talk to quite a few people so forgive me if im wrong- but how did you go about well not exploring it but accepting it and telling people about it?

also FA your most welcome to add your input in as well 🙂

[Just Sara]

I guess the fact you have HPV is scary, though you have the low risk category which is hopeful. Gotta find a rainbow there somehow...chin up 🙂

I'm probably not great at really heavy going support at present, so having FA supporting you is really wonderful. I'm happy you have her in your corner sweetie.

The bi-sexual issue perplexed me for many decades. As a young person, you might find progress easier due to social stigma being more lax.

I can't advise on what to do; maybe find a local LGBTI social group? I'm not really a good point of info actually. I mostly keep to myself; I have issues with meeting new people.

You're welcome to post on the LGBTI Café thread if you want to talk about sexual identity. MsPurple is a young Champ who posts there regularly might be better at this stuff.

I'd prefer to talk about my gender identity there if that's ok. I think we may have some things in common tbh.

Looking forward to chatting again...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

very understandable Sara

yeah i keep to myself as well. i dont particularly want to reveal it but you did to me and that made me feel slightly better that i could speak to you about it

i dont even know what LGBTI stands for but im guessing its to do with sexuality so i guess i can pop over there and have a look

and yes i very much understand you want to talk on that thread as well

i too think we have quite a bit in commmon

and do you know what im happy to just chat to you about general conversation as well- i want to support you as well

[Falling_Angel]

Hey SN i replied on my thread it gets confusing....anyway im here thinking of u FA xx

[Just Sara]

Hey Essen; Big shout out to Fallen Angel too!

Thought I'd drop in to say hi to you both. LGBTI stands for lesbian, gay, bi, trans and intersex. Sometimes people put a + sign at the end as there are so many different labels/names for sexuality/gender identity.

I'm racing through unanswered threads atm, so I'm sorry I can't chat tonight. Thinking of you though...

Warm hugz...

Sara x