New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[Starwolf]

Hi PurplOj,

Popping in to wish you good luck with your exams. A big challenge to take on when you are in emotional distress. You are very brave. Fingers crossed today is a better day for you.

When the mind becomes a battlefield, our thoughts turn on us and the mechanic of the brain gets out of whack. It drags us where we don't want to go but resisting its undertow becomes difficult. This struggle is exhausting. No wonder you are feeling tired...

Finding worldly relationships difficult is the main reason why so many opt for reaching out via these forums. They're here to give silent suffering a voice. Here you are understood by people who genuinely care. Judgment doesn't come into it, as it so often does in the outside world. It doesn't mean that those who react inadequately don't care, just that they have little idea of what you are up against. Here at BB, the big difference is that -though we all react differently- we are/have been in similar situations. Mental/emotional distress can only be experienced but not understood intellectually...because reason doesn't come into it. It doesn't even make sense to those affected...So of course, it totally fails to make sense to outsiders and scare many away.

The point is...we are real people, part of the outside world. Please do not see yourself as a burden to other BB community members. We are here because we choose to, because we feel your pain and want you to know that there are people who care. Sooner or later, you are bound to meet others who can relate to you and vice-versa. I hope we can be proof and reassurance they do exist.

A cyber hug to you. My thoughts will be with you today.

[Sophie_M]

HI PurplOj
There have been some great posts here in your thread. They have helped to reassure you that you not alone, encouraged you to step out of your habits and try new things, reminded you to refocus your thinking to try to avoid making assumptions about how others feel and importantly, like in this latest one from Starwolf, reassured you that we all care about each other here on the forums.
I wanted to write and encourage you to have a think about what next for you. With you exams nearly complete I wonder if this is an oportunity to set yourself some small and achieveable goals to work towards. Maybe have a look back on what you have talked about since you began this thread and try to notice some of the moments that went better than others, and consider what did you do different then? What made that moment better? And then, use this information to help to set some goals for each day. Keep it simple, keep it focused and we will help you along the way. You might also find through this process that there are some others things that we can help you with on the forums. Perhaps ask yourself - what do you want from the forums? 
Keep us posted on your plans and we will support you along the way.

[PurplOJ]

Hey there Star and Sophie,

I do not know what to do or say right now, just continue to work on uni stuff.

You two are right, I am sorry, I just need to get things through my head.

I will try to do as Sophie surgested in the following days, I do not have time right now as I am working heavily on my work.

What I want from the forums?
Honestly I am not sure anymore, I think I wanted help, and to not be alone. Partially someone to talk to, and to be able to open up and say things I can't other places. I do not know if that is what it still is anymore.

The things that have happened since last time I wrote. I cried a bit reading Harry Potter. That is done now, I need to choose what to read next. It was nice finishing it. I liked the story, so that was happy and good.

I found out that a old class member of mine from highschool was.recently raped and murdered  while on Mozambique diving trip,
So that was not fun. I did not know her fully, we spoke a bit. She was a nice girl. I do not know much else I can say.

Apart from that I have been just doing class work.

I guess that is it. I hope you are all alright

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hi PurplOJ

It's nice to hear from you again. It gives me comfort to know that you're still talking to us.

I don't know what I want from the forums either, but I think it's good that you feel like you still want to be here. I'm probably a bit guilty of extending conversations a bit on the forums, but I guess that's just my style...

Oh geez I don't know what to say about your old school friend. That's really horrible. Sorry, I don't know what to say.

When will your classes finish? That'll give you the time to think about doing some of those suggestions Sophie gave you. I think it'd be really helpful because there's a lot of fogginess, it seems, at the moment and a lot of that is probably brought on by the stress of having to deal with people that you may not like or aren't good for you, and just having the stress of uni work.

I just wanted to reassure you that you're not hurting me or the others here. And even were we to meet in person, I don't feel like I'd be hurt by you. I think there are a lot of people around you at the moment who just aren't good for you, and that has really brought on this dark cloud that assumes everybody is like them. But the world is made of up lots of different people and many if not most are accepting, kind people who want to listen.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James.

I do not know what you mean by 'extending conversations'. But that is good, you have to be yourself.

Yeah I do not know what to say either.

Classes finished a bit ago, I just have to type up some stuff and post it online. Weekly reports of what I did. That is it.

Yeah, I hope that is true. I do not know about the people around me, that I am not sure. But yeah, I do not believe that most people in the world are nice. However that is probably me expecting too much from niceness.

Things that have happened since yesterday.. nothing really. Just sat here watching my computer screen all day. I have about 3 hours left of my TAFE work untill I finish it all.

I hope everyone is alright, Take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Oh sorry I meant I tend to talk a bit too much and go off topic!

I think it's just matter of projecting your past experiences forward. Lots of people haven't been great to you in the past, so it's completely understandable that you're distrustful of people now. But the challenge is to try and fight that innate distrust so you can let people see you for who you are, which is a kind but suffering young person.

I went to a board games meet up on the weekend - I think we spoke about that before so I thought I'd let you know how it went. The group was for people suffering from anxiety. I'm not exactly anxious per se, but I do like quieter groups rather than loud groups. It was nice actually. We played this game similar to pictionary but without drawing. I got there a bit late so they'd already played other games. Then we went for dinner at Nando's and walked around a bit. The people were very nice. Have you had a chance to look for any groups near you?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I apologise for not getting back sooner. I have not been emotionally able to reply. It has not been an easy week.

Ah I think that everybody is guilty of that sometimes.

That makes sense. I learnt from my past and think of most people like that. Although I would not use the word kind about myself.

That sounds interesting with your board game meet up. I am glad that the group is nice. You seem to have had a decent amount of fun. Are you going back again?

And no I have not had a chance to look for such places myself.

Well this week I had finished my exams so I had nothing to do. Most of the time I ended up sitting at my computer crying. I don't know why, but thats all I could do. Most of the time all that passes through my head are thoughts on my death. Just played out in an endless loop in my head. I try to think of other things, but with very little luck.

I saw my psyc which was alright, not much happened. She is disappointed in me as I have harmed myself and she thinks that I do not tell her enough. Which is a given because I can't really trust her after only 3 sessions (4 now). She wants me to lead the conversation as that will make me trust her more. She also said that she will no longer ethically see me untill I go to a psychologist because she says she doesn't want to deal with the questions if I kill myself and I had not seen a psychologist.

Apart from that I am just tired all the time again.

I am getting a bit despite to spend time with my friends. I don't like to be alone anymore. I need to be with someone else who I trust. Upon asking I just get a no. At most I have the 22nd and just hope they see me more. I kniw it is not healthy only being able to rely on 2 people but thats how it is for me.

Well I hope people are alright.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

It's okay. There's no need to reply until you feel like you can.

Yes, I will hopefully be going back again but nothing's been set up yet. I'm also trying to branch out more. My psychologist doesn't like how I tend to just stick to a few people and attach myself to them, so she's getting me to challenge myself by talking to heaps of people. I don't really like it to be honest, haha.

Oh is this a psychiatrist you're seeing?

I hope you don't mind if I ask this, because I am simply trying to get a better understanding of how things are for you: what are the small behaviours or thoughts that you are trying to change at the moment? This can be as small as talking to one person at the shop counter every day, or every second day. Or just looking for a group, and thinking about whether you want to join it or not.

You're stuck in a huge hole at the moment and it sounds like your psychiatrist is asking you to lay those initial foundations for getting better. I really really don't think waiting until the 22nd will fix things. It'll help you get through that day, but the trajectory is the same.

What would happen if you did a quick google search for the nearest psychologist and just made a booking within 30 minutes of reading this? You can cry on the phone, freeze up, whatever. But perhaps that's just one of the many barriers that we need to break.

Sorry, I hope I don't seem pushy. I'm just asking and probing to better understand what is stopping you, because I can see that you want to get better.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

Again I apologise for the delay.

Yeah, that does not sound fun. At least it is a good thing, and should help.

I have no idea what I am seeing right now. Either Psychologist or Psychiatrist, the one that cannot give you medication. And they wish for me to see the one that can. (I should remember which is which, but I forgot my Year 12 Psyc classes)

Right now I am trying to change my thinking about suicide. Most days I imagine my death, lets say multiple times. So yeah, I am not sure how exactly I should do that. It is slowly lowering, because I am distracting myself. But if that is helping or not I do not know. It is not stopping me from wanting to die, but at least I am not dreaming up so many methods.

Other than that I have been trying to message within some group chats that are scary. Normally I only read the messages and never say anything. However I managed to say one or two things.

Yeah I understand. But the way I would describe it is that I am stuck in this hole. Normally I can get out of it. But now it is very deep. I am trying my best to get out, but I can't. So I am putting all my effort in staying and not going lower. Because for me right now, I am... receiving some nasty blows in some respects. And that would drive me lower, so I can't really go up, just stay. I hope with the 22nd and trying to have interaction with my two friends that I can climb higher.

My psyc told me what would really help as I always feel very lonely and such is see people, and that would boost me up. But I feel so shit and hate myself that I can't see new people right now. the few that I have is all that I can go to. And at the current time they cannot help. So I am kinda stuck there.

When I did read this I was on the train so it was not possible. Since that time, there has not been any time that I am alone or feel safe enough to call anywhere. I do not even feel that I could call a suicide prevention line. I am going to try once I am alone in the house. But I just have to wait.

It's fine, It's fine.

Anyway with the few words that I have left. Recently I have been trying to plan more for the day out. Really wanted to go to the aquarium with my friends, sadly one has been every year and no longer enjoys it. So that is not really an option. I do not really know what to do in the city. The lunch is all there is now. Cost is something that I have to watch, as money is not something there is lots of. Lots to think about.

Hope everyone is doing alright.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Ah it sounds like you're seeing a psychologist who can't give you prescriptions but she wants you to see a psychiatrist as well who can give you prescriptions. I think it would be a good thing to do. Sometimes ADs are what we need to lift us just that little bit. The idea is they give us enough of a boost so we can do things to take control of our lives again, but not too much that we become dependent.

It is good that you're trying to change your attitude. I think it's a positive sign that the ideation is lessening, though I imagine it's not much comfort when you're still suffering quite badly. Could you find a library and make a room booking to call people? Maybe that can be a safe spot for you. I know I use work for that - we have rooms that sometimes I just use to make any phone calls I need to. I also go to quiet streets around my place where I can just wander around and call. Could that help?

I think it would help to see new people but I understand if you don't feel ready. You say you hate yourself, but what makes you feel not ready to meet new people? Could you even do a compromise and see if there are any mental illness support groups or just meet ups for people like that? For example, my board games night was for people with anxiety and a lot of people there also suffered from depression. But we didn't really want to talk about that, it was just a way to hang out in a social situation where people understood the challenges but could also just have fun.

James