New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[Just Sara]

Hey PurpleOJ!

You're going through some trials eh? The thing about BB forum, is we give people an opportunity to feel like they have supporters and friends...time to share and have someone there to reply. Yes, it may take us a little while to get back to you, but we do care.

I've been on here for 12 months and have become accustomed to giving a piece of my daily life to those who are in similar places to where I've come from. At 19, your life is just beginning, so how you prepare for the following yrs is an adventure.

The thing that strikes me over and again in posts, is the temptation to go into other people's heads; what they think of us, or what they're thinking in general. What this does is to take our focus off ourselves and give it away to 'them'. Suddenly we disappear under the weight of those perceptions and feel invisible and no wonder.

Just being born is reason enough to live...an opportunity to be a part of the world and our communities. I recently discovered I'd been feeling like an extension of everyone else, and comprehending I was separate and had the right to do whatever or be whoever I wanted, caused some grief and confusion in the beginning. But now I 'get' that it gives me power...power over 'me'!

The Serenity Prayer was originally created by Reinhold Niebuhr as a support for Alcoholics Anonymous, but the premise is the same for everyone in pain.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time.

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, and not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen..

I'm not religious at all, so I replace 'He' with myself or me. I am after all the power in my life.

You're obviously a kind and intelligent young man who wants to feel wanted and needed. Give this to yourself first. This may sound cliche' but it is the reality of recovery in its purest form.

The first few lines of the prayer give clues how to achieve being mindful; we can't control anyone but ourselves.

If you want friends, be a great friend to yourself...

Warm thoughts...Dizzy (Hugs)

[Just Sara]

I just wanted to add, I suffer chronic PTSD with anxiety, panic and depressive mood. My wisdom and self insight has been gained through guts and determination. And recently through gentleness and kindness to 'me'. I celebrate my success, and learn from my pain and mistakes. I am a work in progress...one tiny step at a time.

I've been suffering PTSD since I was a little girl. I'm 56 now and have finally found 'me'. Please don't wait this long for you to find peace...to find and meet 'you'. (Not 'them')

A gentle and loving soul...Dizzy xo

[Starwolf]

Hi PurpleOJ,

Well I did read your last post...and it seems I'm not the only one to be concerned about your safety. I understand that your friend's attitude is hurtful. Finding true, loyal friendship isn't easy, it is indeed a rare commodity. Many of us must go through loss and disappointment before coming across the real deal. It is the same for most precious things in life and the very reason why they're so precious. As for those who don't care enough to stick around...you deserve much better and they don't deserve to be in your life.

Feeling alone is painful but it has the advantage of making us fall back onto ourselves. We must live for ourselves and learn to appreciate who/what we are, flaws and all before someone can truly appreciate us. A poor self-image tends to keep others at bay. So reconciling with yourself is a necessary first step. Self-love is not easy to achieve but definitely something worth working on, one small step at a time. You must also put yourself out there for a chance to meet them.

No need to struggle alone with intrusive thoughts of self-harm. Why not call the 24/7 helpline and have a talk with someone who understands what you are going through ?

You are thoughtful, intelligent and sensitive. Sooner or later, others will see this in you but you must see it in yourself to project and reflect it outward. Meanwhile, interaction around the forums helps us feel less alone...Have you checked the Social Zone section ? A lot of terrific young people are to be found there. I am sure you would be welcome with open hearts. Sure, it is not the same as face to face interaction but it is a good place to connect and share.

I hope this new week will see you in a more peaceful head space.

[PurplOJ]

I am still alive.

Just trying my hardest not to kill myself.

I am very sorry that I have not been here to reply. I am so sorry.

I am very tired, tired of everything. I am sorry.

I will try to talk sometime.

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

I'm so glad to hear from you. Please, don't forget you can always call emergency on 000, or lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue 1300 22 4636.

I really enjoy talking to you mate. Please take your time and when you feel ready to speak, we'll always be here. You've got such a tricky history and I'm really saddened by what's happened to you, but I really believe that you'll be able to turn things around one day.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey. I am just trying to give an update. Hopefully I will be able to post on here again soon. I am sorry about not getting back. I will try to.

I have been very tired lately. I want to be more awake, but I just always feel tired. When I try to sleep I just lay there unable to do anything and my mind just takes over doing what it wants.

My memory is a bit foggy so I guess I am surpressing something. I don't know what, I guess it is not good.

I am almost done with exams. I think I failed 2 classes. Just 2 more days.

I am trying my best. I am just getting tired of everything. The pain that I bring people, the time I take from others. Even everybodys time here would be better spent on others rather than a self centered idiot how does not even help others here. I don't know, I am tired.

I am trying to organise seeing the friend that I visited. it is hard as she is working now. I just have to try. I feel safe around her.... i actually got decent slerp there.... i do not know why she is safe.

I guess that is all I know to say. I hope others are alright.

PurplOJ

[Doolhof]

Hi PurplOJ,

I find when I am tired, it is difficult to be motivate to do things. I was ready to go to sleep right after we finished dinner tonight. Usually I do the dishes, but as I am so tired I am going to leave them for the morning.

That is okay some days are like that.

Please don't ever think that you are wasting anyone's time here on the forum. People here care for each other and understand.

I'd like to encourage you to try and find something to be thankful for today, then tomorrow do the same thing.

All the best with your last two days of exams.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[PurplOJ]

Hey there Dools,

Today was not the best. I broke down in my exam. I tried my best and failed to stay together. I resit that exam tomorrow, so 3 exams than.

Two people I talk to got annoyed by my talking. One was my fault I lashed out when sad. The other was hurt by explaining how they upset me. I don't mean to do it. I just hurt others.

I don't know what to be thankful for today really. Everything is just a blur.

I feel like it was a mistake not ending my life when I could. I do not have the strength to do it right now. All I seem to do and exist for is bringing others pain. I don't want to be alone but that is probably the best place I can be. Where I can't hurt anyone.

Does anybody know how to end friendships fast and where they don't feel much pain. I want to leave them quickly so I can no longer bring them pain.

I should sleep... goodnight.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hi PurplOJ,

I hope you are feeling better this morning for your exam.

When are the other 2 exams after today? It sounds like they are really stressing you out, but maybe also keeping you distracted.

Do you have any plans after they finish? Could you visit that friend you mentioned in the previous post?

Also, would you reconsider having a visit to the hospital? I'm worried by your regret about not acting on your thoughts. You said your friend's place was safe - I found hospital to be the same, even if it was boring. At least I didn't have to worry about anything and if you're worried about hurting others, the people at hospital are well trained to help. It'll be a chance for you to take a proper breather which it sounds like you really need right now.

You have so much concern for others, it's really sad to see it tear you apart like this. I really really hope you feel comfortable to continue talking to us. And I can assure you you're not hurting any of us by telling us how you really feel.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

I don't know if I was, it has just been a long day.

Oh I had 3 exams today. Networking Security, Windows server and Project management. I did not attend project management because I could not do it due to a lot of reasons. Security, went somehow, I think I failed. Just have to wait and see. And Windows I got 50% because it was a resit, it is a pass, but the lowest possible one.

I have no plans now, just sitting here watching the wall waiting for time to go past. I want to visit my friend. Sadly she has gotten a job over the holidays so the chances of that are very slim. We are having a lunch out soon, that is the best I can get from her. I wish I could ask to just live with her for a while, it is stupidly wrong to ever do it. She lives with her family and I would just be horrible to live with.

I am still not sure about hospitalisation. It is not a friendly thought. It also just does not feel like something that would be good for me. I trust so few people and don't really like strangers. I would be surrounded by them as my only social option (I do not know if it happens, but I know my friends would not visit me), and that would do a lot of damage to my mind. I am not sure about how safe it would feel. I don't feel safe at home, when I am with a family that I trust very little. I was safe around one of two or three people I trust the most. But around strangers that I do not trust at all....

I do not understand how they will stop me hurting people. The only way that would happen is if I was a different person. And yeah, a breather would be good, and for me that is seeing people or talking to them verbally. I have been asking people for one of those for weeks, without luck.

You might not have been hurt as there is not much I can hurt you with. The people I know I will truly hurt by my actions every day are those around me closest. I know that my friend that I was told not to talk to (I still talk, as honestly that is something I cannot stop. It would not be pleasant) for her I have to wait, I cannot bring things up right now because she is not good. And than when she gets better I have to choose, either live with the pain and not being good, or know that I am responsible for doing that to her and putting her back in a bad spot again.

I just can't win. The only place that I see most people being happy is without me there.

PurplOJ