Just want to Shout out

[Guest_1055]

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

[pipsy]

Hi Mary. Many, many times I wanted to 'scream', I'm here, please love me. However screaming into deaf ears means you're never going to be heard because the person you're screaming to is unable to listen. I totally agree 100% with Geoff's comments 'it takes two'. As I said, you both have to connect. If there is no connection it won't work. Put a railway carriage on the track, leave the engine out, the carriage won't work because it's not connected to the engine. In marriage, husband and wife need to connect to make the marriage work. My ex and I weren't connected, his wants were his parents, his job and money, I was somewhere if and when it was convenient. It took at least 4 years for me to walk away, because I thought it was my fault, now I realize it was no-one's fault, just two mismatched people. Some people should never marry or try to commit to a relationship as they don't fully understand the concept. I will never be able to commit to any relationship as fear of rejection is so scary.

Lynda

[Guest_1055]

Dear Lynda ,

I am so sorry you felt rejected whilst you were a girl. One just wants and needs the unconditionally love and acceptance from parents so much to sort of grow up properly or something.

If I knew you back then, well I would have held you in my arms and whispered gently to you the truth, being something like this " Lynda, you are such a dear and precious little girl, and I love you ever so much" and then I would properly sit on the floor with you and play tea parties or something with a set of mini colourful plates, cups and saucers. Or maybe climb the tree in the backyard with you.....

And yeah I can understand why you wanted to marry . My story is a bit similar there to yours.

And I am glad you have someone in your life that you feel that you are on the same page.

The "clinging vine", yeah that is a good illustration of how I have been at times. Not all the time though. This is what I think has caused me hubby to feel weighed down and perhaps choked by my need to be loved and wanted. There was no freedom for him to actually choose to love. I am just pondering this all at the moment Lynda, so it is not super duper clear to me as yet.

And yeah I think that would have been really painful for you to see that you ex husband kept referring to his parents. It is almost as if he just couldn't let go of them or something. Again I am thinking out aloud, and I really wouldn't know for certain why he was like that.

Thanks heaps Lynda

Love Shell, (and yes you can call me Shell, all cool there)

PS ....I have heard you scream from perhaps a while ago, saying "I'm here please love me"

[pipsy]

Hi Shell. I will take you up on the invite to 'play' with you. I have actually forgiven my parents for the way they ignored me. It wasn't really their fault, nor mine. The man in my life has taught me that in forgiving I learn to grow. I have also grown close to my kids, they are amazing in their wisdom and protection. No doubt you have heard me scream, just wish my ex had. I actually feel sorry he is so attached to his parents as they're old and once they're gone, he will be alone. With that situation it was them needing him as much as him needing them. They had raised him to believe that because they cared for him while he was growing, it is now his turn to care for them. I have actually instilled in my kids that as much as I love them, they have their own lives and they only have one chance to live. My ex in-laws never really approved of our marriage, neither did my kids so there was a lot of opposition (I should've listened), easy to be wise after. They are a selfish family who actually make the Royals look fantastic. I am happier now, my life is mine to do as I like. I have freedom and choices which I never had before.

Lynda

P.S Love you too.

[Guest_1055]

Hello Mary,

I am so glad that you were able to jump in and use this thread to shout out loud. And I heard your shout. And because I seem to be able to imagine things. Well I imagined you. There you were standing on top of a flat sort of looking roof, complete with one stone chimney that was directing out smoke. You choose an excellent time to shout, because all the people had gone to harvest the fields. And with much gusto you shouted right clear out to my place. So yeah....😊

Anyway I do hope you are okay with this large event, whatever it is. And yes feeling unloved is horrid. It is so so painful, it almost feels like ones own heart is physically breaking. I am sorry Mary that you have experienced and have felt this horrid feeling, well I am assuming that you have.

And yes I understand it takes two people to desire and be willing to work at a marriage. And I know it is not only me that stuffs up in mine. I think perhaps we are in agreement after all Mary.

Hope you are alright.

Love Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

I am glad you are happier. And yes I too have been learning about forgiveness. What I have learnt is by choosing to forgive, you are actually doing it for yourself in a way. As it sort of gets rid of the bitterness that one may possibly feel towards the person who you are forgiving or has done wrong by you. So it does your heart good or something.

Have a good day tomorrow Lynda

In Kindness

Shell xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Lynda

Nice to see you back on BB and recovered from the surgery etc. Once all the worry and treatment are over we can move on with our lives. How lovely you have someone in your life again. I wish you all happiness. Yes commitment can be hard. I doubt I will ever be in that position again.

Take care of yourself

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Dear Mary

I just read my post to you and now I am unable to switch off my thoughts about what I have written. I feel so concerned, sad and that I can't even write something the way I intended it to come across. Almost tears now.... And I don't want to hurt anybody including you.

It is about the last paragraph.... I was trying to clarify to you that yes I know that it takes two people working together to build a loving marriage. And indeed it is not only me that makes mistakes within my own marriage but my husband also.

What I previously wrote sounds awful, almost like I am pointing my finger at others or some horrid thing like that. So please forgive me.

I am feeling like a failure now so yeah.. And a I am hoping that my previous words have not hurt you or anyone else.

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Shell,

This is a terrific thread. I am sorry things get so tough at times that you need to shout out. I feel it's very normal though. I don’t know of any couple who don't feel the need to shout and vent about their partner but the healthiest way is to vent out to friends rather than your partner of course. We are all friends here of course so what a good idea. A safe place to vent.

I often vent to my friends about hubby. This is especially true at times when his actions don't fit the way in which I think he should act to make me feel loved. An example the other day is that he wasn't very thoughtful on what would have been my Dad's B'day and Dad had died 2 days before his B'day and that was 20 years ago this year. It felt like a big deal to me, a milestone of sorts but hubby didn't treat it with the same depth I felt it needed. It made me feel unloved and angry. Did it mean he didn't love me though? I don't think so. He could have been more respectful of my feelings.

In relationships we have expectations of how we should be treated, what defines love, what makes us feel loved. Our partners don't always rise to the occassion. Sometimes it is because they have different values or their own perceptions and sometimes they are incapable. Sometimes we find that they are not the person we had thought they were and the differences are irreconcilable.

You have mentioned Shell that you really love your husband even though you sometimes feel rejected and unwanted. Sometimes I feel like this too but I know hubby doesn't mean to make me feel that way. He spends a lot of time thinking about his work or prioritising work around the home over spending time to me for example may make me feel unloved but in his mind he loves me just the same, he is just being busy.

Perhaps you can see if you can find a way to reconnect Shell. See if there is a way you two can do something together that you may have done in the past that you both enjoyed. It might be a dinner out (or like me and mine, dinner at home and a board game), or a walk along the beach or sharing in something important to hubby (watching his favourite movie), etc. Sometimes when we openly share in something they love they will in the future reciprocate (or not, sometimes my hubby doesn't get subtle).

Just a different take from me on your thread. Keep venting Shell, you are safe here amongst friends.

Much love to you xx

Paul, will find your thread xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Carol,

I have just read what you have posted,,my brain is just not comprehending it. It is just not working properly. I will read it again soon. Hope you are okay there.

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Well today I feel that same pressure within to punch out, I am sick of this whole stupid life. But physically I am unable to even imagine myself yelling and hitting out, because my head hurts. I even feel angry about this thread. For my intention was just to use it has a safe place to "shout out to". The shouting out was meant to be just that. Me saying things about other things in my life has distressed me.This thread doesn't feel safe anymore, it is just another scary place.

No anger now just sadness.