It's coming back

[RunGirl]

Hi....this is my first post. I've always fought the black dog. Recently I beat a plethora hurdles and bad situations.....near death experience, two months in hospital, 7 surgeries, prescription pill addiction, isolation living overseas, increasingly abusive relationship, PTSD. I RAN, I resettled in Aus, i got work, I found myself in love again...I was happy and energetic. But It's coming back. I read somewhere when you don't want to get out of bed, you know you're getting bad again. I have a beautiful new partner. I'm just so tired all the time. I've put on weight which he likes but I can't forget the words of disgust from my ex when I wasn't stick thin. I need some perspective and support guys

[Croix]

Dear RunGirl~

That sounds a horrible sort of surprise. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't remember you saying much about your parents before. Do you normally get on with them?

I guess if this is not normal the first thing to do is think if there might be any misunderstandings behind it, or if you parents are having some other sort of hassle and just went overboard as a result. I know when illness struck my first wife I was preoccupied - even bad tempered and touchy.

I guess by now you would have a pretty good idea of what presses your mother's buttons, and hopefully ideas for how to calm her down. How does your father stand in all this?

What does your partner think? From the closeness you have-mentioned before I would imagine you would be able to talk to him frankly and show him the email.

People do lose their tempers and say things that later on they much regret. Is your mother the impulsive type?

Croix

[BballJ]

Hi RunGirl,

I am sorry to hear this, does this happen often that you clash with your parents like this? You haven't mentioned much about them before, did you want to go into that side of it?

Have you heard from your mum since this email came through?

My best,

Jay

[RunGirl]

This is the second of two long, unexpected vitriolic letters she has sent, The first was when I was still in Prague. She has always been prone to going into sudden black rages since we were little children....she'd just stop talking to us for a day or two, dump food in front of us without a word and "get in the bath" and "go to bed" were her only communications. As adults we've discussed it and each one was convinced it was OUR misdoing and wracked our brains trying to come up with the"sin". I wonder if dementia is setting in as she is 70 and she is verbalising the hatred she kept bottled up for so long

[Croix]

Dear RG~

That sounds most upsetting. It's something children often do, thinking they are at fault when an authority figure such as a parent blames them. I guess it is one of the responsibilities of a parent to be fair and to always be mindful of the results of their actions.

It's good you have your sister to compare notes with and get a sense of perspective between the two of you. What happened in relation to the letter whilst you were in Prague, did it get sorted out? Also I'd have to ask where your father is in all of this?

I don't know about dementia, from what you say this behavior has been going on for a very long time, if it was me I'd be looking somewhere else for the cause, perhaps some un-diagnosed mental illness. Do you have any idea about the reason for all that hatred?

You mentioned before your partner was strongly supportive, in times like this that would be a godsend.

Croix

[RunGirl]

To reply honestly, if somewhat painfully Croix, my father is a narcissist who dislikes his children and as much as I can be grateful for my presence in the world, I believe he should never have had children. he is very focused on the unit that is my mother and him. I've butted heads with him a couple of times in my life - always in protection of my mother - but I also wrote him a beautiful poem of my my childhood learnings from him which I know he keeps but never mentions

[RunGirl]

sorry guys, there are so many questions, I'm struggling to answer them all at once. Yes I think my mother suffers from mental illness - depression or possibly bipolarity. I wondered if early onset dementia was bringing this all out into words and letters, not just silent black rages. I dealt with the letter in prague by writing back as kindly as I could manage that I would have to cease contact for a while, whilst I dealt my own issues, and that I would be back when I was better. I got no response. I reconnected when I felt mentally able.

[RunGirl]

It had the cadence of a heartbeat and told of the few times he chose to hold me in his lap and how I felt all his life lessons running through me with each of his heartbeats

[Croix]

Dear RG~

Sorry for the questions, it can be a little hard to talk meaningfully without some idea of the problems you face.

Well, I did not get on with my parents when I grew up (or more accurately they could not get on with me) and I found distance was an excellent answer. With someone who is basically unreasonable trying to make peace or smooth things over is probably not going to succeed anyway and simply takes its toll in terms of grief, anxiety, frustration and self-esteem.

You may be right about age bringing out all the worst, sometimes it does return people to a child-like state where restraint is no longer used.

Your poem is very touching and does show the deep love and need a child has for a parent. By the sounds of it you have your own life and relationship to nurture and fortify you. If it was me I would not be able to make the hurt go away entirely but would try to block out the unreasonable and hurtful and concentrate on that.

So how is Indie getting on? Are you able to go for a walk?

Croix

[RunGirl]

Indie is wonderful, those eyes are so meaningful and asking for instruction at every moment. she knows bilingual instructions for all the basics plus a few party tricks (I usually speak to her in Czech because I had a Czech dog for ten years and it's hard to switch!!! P uses English of course). She is not yet a year old yet so quick and eager to learn. However she love-mugs me every morning and has elbow like daggers so I'm covered in bruises! The questions are fine, good in fact. It just takes me a while to think them all through 😄

[Croix]

Dear RG~

I'm afraid mine have always had language difficulties, no matter what is said in any language:

"Don't chase the cat",
"Stop tracking in muddy paw-prints"
or even
"No barking now!"

Al they hear is "Good Dog" and act accordingly.

-C