Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi EM

I guess I wasn't clear. It was in 1996 when my father wrote. so it was shortly after she died. & I never got any details from my father. I was so hurt I couldn't deal with him anymore. Other pain, other problems, his response as if to blame me...then that letter.

He died some 13 years later.

I feel the same way about 'closure' as you. It's a nice idea, provided you can pull it off. I think I might have known two people who had. It took a lot of pre-death work between the dying person & the people closest to them.

Thanks for your kind words.

mmMekitty )gotta stop sitting here, so Paws, I will answer tomorrow.)

[redroses]

hey mmMekitty. i found your thread come up, so i thought i'd check it out and say hi, i hope that's okay. i'm very sorry to hear about your cat, it looked cute. i agree with you, i've always preferred animals over people too. i guess they seem to understand things more, like emotions, it's hard to explain. but they have a way of cheering people up really. i'm also sorry to hear about your struggles with your eyesight & you having to relearn things etc. but you're doing a great job i think, so well done.

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, tealflowers, that was a lovely post to read.

You are welcome to pop in here anytime. I tend to write more of my thoughts & feelings here, & these get heavy. & wordy.

If you looked over where the date of my initial post, you can see, I posted this Discussion, my first discussion, on the day I joined, which was almost a year ago - seems a long time ago, yet so short too.

Like having a birthday, when you wonder if you've grown up any since the last, but feel a lot has happened as well, so how can you not have changed? May as well accept I have changed, but some things are still the same.

I guess I will be thinking of that for the next couple weeks.

Sometimes I miss Mekitty so much, but as time goes by, I miss her like that less often. I will always feel the loss to some extent, because she meant so much to me.

I think why we feel so strongly attached to the pets we love is because they accept us. We can be ourselves & they are there when we need some comfort, (I don't know what they think is happening), quiet & giving us a space to open ourselves up to our own emotions. Literally, they don't ask questions, don't comment, or suggest anything we should do, or criticise how we feel & how we show our feelings.

When I needed, she was there, & I could curl my arms around her (not pick her up to hold), while she lay on my bed. Even so, I could cuddle her just a few minutes, before she seemed to get restless & annoyed , but that cuddle helped me so much. 

❤️s

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty,(with a wave to Tayla and all)~

I guess it is just on a year since you first started to explore this place. I have the feeling it has been more than you expected -in a good way. After all you can not only talk about the issues that you face, but encourage and assist others -and have fun being cheeky to walruses🙄

This place is all the richer for your company

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hey Croix, thank you very much. You were the second person to talk to me after I joined.
I've been too tired again, too sore when I sit after half an hour, & less as the day goes on. I try changing how I sit, what cushion is under me, leaning to the right to alleviate the feeling of too much pressure on the let, as if I weigh so much I'm squashing my leg too much. I even pulled my sofa over & was trying to sit on that. But I can't get it in close enough, because of how my desk is like a corner unit with drawers either side of me. I have a riangular desktop area where my big tv sits, & I want to be close enough to that so, when I do want to see something, I don't have to zoom a thousand %. My sofa seat feels better but even that became too uncomfortable while I was doing my food shopping.
I've been down, feeling withdrawn. Thinking about the friend of long ago. Maybe I call her 'Xena', after the warrior princess. I think that would be okay. Soon, the day of her birth will come & go again, & I hope I will feel my feelings lift again.
Then I'll have my little anniversary, & my PDr will not be away until the end of last week of Sept & into October, this year. I still like that he gives me plenty of notice, but I still feel a sor of dred & anxiety about his being away for the breaks he has. We know the likelihood of anything really awful happening is remote, but still, that's one of the fears: that he won't be able to help or support me if something does happen, & also, I fear he won't return.
It's why I joined, feeling so alone & unsupported when I felt I needed more. & although I told him how I was feeling, he still went away. I seem to repeat & (hopefully) learn a little more each time, that I can find ways of coping, that I will get through whatever, that, in a way, I don't NEED him, because I have myself.
Then he goes & makes himself available, if I needed, over his long break of 2021-22.
& I remember how well he cared for me when I'd fallen & I'd gone back to his rooms for help. near Xmas 2019, a century ago.
All this by way of saying 'Thanks' for being here, Croix, & everyone - too many to name. I appreciate you all.
Hugzies,& mmMarshmallows all round.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Up very early again. I may have had a total of 3.5 hrs sleep. Of-course I want more.

The book I had playing was coming to an end, & the next began. unfortunately, the volume of the reader's voice went from normal to shouty to whispery too much, so, I thought I'll go onto the next book, & it has been dramatized, so has a lot of various sounds in the background. I would rather a straight reading. Go back & begin the first book again. 5:30am, & I am still not sleeping, but getting cold again.

Little pippy bird is pipping earlier, I notice.

& I don't want to skip my usual cuppa coffee because I am grumpy & don't want to feel horrible & my coffee, hot, strong, milky & sweet (sweetener), feels nice - hot cup in my hands & the hot tasty liquid & the aroma... & I feel better for a short time.

I've been talking to my PDr about this Comfort Food issue I have. I have realised, when I am down, when I feel I need a break from feeling my various discomforts & pain, both physical & psychological, I'm reaching for foods, most often, savoury & sweet treats. I've tried not getting any treats when doing my online shopping, but in the day or two before & after my groceries being delivered, I am very conscious of the fact I have no treats.

I am going to try deciding on treats that aren't that bad, in the hopes I can feel the same boost to my mood & as if I'm not treating myself badly with any food very high in sugar or salt, in the process of making myself feel better, soothes, comforted, happy, & that I'm doing something nice for myself.

I understand the contradiction, the conflict I have about how I am treating myself - these foods aren't going to help me be healthier. I'd be better off if lettuce, carrot, tomato, cucumber, oranges, apples, grapes, if all this kind of fresh stuff could be perceived as 'treats'. 

Even when I make salad, I want the creamy dressings. 

It's like it's not enough to have a very occasional treat, but to have something treatlike with every meal, & some snacks as well.

If my treats & treatlike ingredients were excluded from my diet, I'd discover how miserable I really am. I doubt I will ever do that. But I need to do better by myself.

nnNekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty, and your beautiful supporters…..🤗.

I listen to audio books a lot, and can relate to how the different readers can get loud or Dr amuse the stories a lot….I found on you tube some wonderful gently spoken sleep stories…okay I don’t like the whisperers…so avoid them….Dan Jones is a very gentle reader and has lots of stories on his Chanel…some go for half hour, some an hour, 4 hours and even 8 hours….maybe you might consider giving his stories a try at bedtime…..I listen to him just about every night, and do fall asleep before the stories end……just a gentle suggestion.♥️..

I do comfort eat when I’m down, and usually it’s chocolate or anything sweet….I think it’s okay to do this on occasions of depression….I think if we deny ourself some of this type of care, later on we will maybe binge on them to much….In a chemist I found some sugarless chocolate and lollies and they are very yummy, so now my comfort food is not that bad for me….so I don’t feel so bad towards myself….

We all appreciate you as well mmMeKitty, you have helped and supported so many people…without even realising it….you are very valued here and in life….Please try hard to not forget that…..

I hope today, you manage to get some rest and be be able to, if needed get some sleep as well….sleep is so important for both our physical and mental health…..yet sometimes it so unreachable to get…..

Sending you my care, love, hugs…🦋♥️🤗..

Grandy…xx

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, Grandy, for your always gentle & kind words. 

I will make a note of the name, Dan Jones & have a look. 

Today was somewhat busy, now my helper has returned from her long holiday away with hubby.

I tried snoozing when I returned home, but that wasn't happening. I thought I woul. having to go to a fairly large shopping centre is so exhausting.

But I gotthe new glasses, which wer waiting for me for three weeks, & I'd forgotten which frame I'd chosen! I really thought I'd chosen another instead of trying to correct the mistake another shop had made on the frames I bought from them. It's okay - I have my second pair, & the lens is thinner & surely looks better. The lens is the correct (as much as we can) for my eyesight. While I continue to benefit from glasses, I will continue having them. 

Anyway, I discovered while we were making my next appointment with the GP, she has gone to do locum work in some rural area, somewhere, & I don't know if she will even return. So now I get to begin with yet another GP. This type of change is very difficult. I've got questions to ask, which I would have felt better asking my (now) previous GP. She was easy to talk to, usually interested to follow up with investigations or recommentations, & the fact she's willing to do locum work says a lot about her, too.

It's hard to take that I have had no warning of her leaving.

Can't talk more right now.

Thanks again, Grandy. Your posts to me always give me a lift, a smile, a sense of being cared for, & when you let some of your bright imagination out, I am laughing with pleasure.

❤️Hugzies, gentle for you & furbabies.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

First, Grandy, I'm conflicted about the food for comfort, thinking it's rather like smoking, in that the comfort food is very likely to cause me to become more unhealthy, contributing nothing useful towards getting healthy, so how can this be 'caring' for myself? Intellectually, I know this, but while I'm eating it does not feel like it is harming me... that's the problem. Like smoking, drinking or other substance abuse, the harm is not immediate enough for me to take notice. I am noticing now, & still, maybe because I have no other substance or activity to turn to, that feels like it fills the need, I'm turning to unhealthy food.

*

I hope this new GP has read my medical records, so I don't have to go into all sorts of detail when I meet them. I want to ask them about the genetics screening test, & the questionnaire I received, because I simply don't know about even close rellies, whether or not any have had cancer or not, iff so, all the details.

How many families sit & talk about this stuff, sharing all the precise diagnoses, treatments, dates & places? How useful if I can't tell them anything beyond myself?

I also want a referral to go & talk with the surgeon who did my surgery, at her private practice, & perhaps have her do some extra work removing the bulging fat around under my arms & back. Maybe more in other places? Or would she refer me to someone else she knows has qualifications & experience doing this sort of surgery. I am not going to risk any 'cosmetic surgeon' chosen at random. It's one thing to ask the surgeon who took care of the breast cancer to help with the fat, which is a problem directly related to that surgery, but anything unrelated, I'm not sure about asking. & I'm not sure if doing any of theis would cause more nerve damage. I wonder if there is anything which can be done about some sensations I have under the skin on my chest, too.

& of-course, I STILL want to find the cause &/or treatment for the pain & sensations in my legs & feet. & remember, to mention, I had a very bad cramping in my thigh, at least 5mins worth. I've been told: More water, less salt. I'm already doing that.

Big sigh - try again...

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

Yes there is a sort of division between immediate need and long term health, sometimes a gentler thing, something nice to taste and savor when life seems grim.

I think there is very much a place for that , to lift harshness from life for a little is worth a lot. Obviously I'm not suggesting you buy a cat-nip shop and sample all your stock, but used with a tad of restraint it can change the whole aspect of life.

I look forward to 2 chocolate biscuits (penguin flavored of course) every evening and other things on some days when an immediate lift is needed.

Cramps are horrible, I take magnesium (a non-prescription freely available 'remedy' but please always  check with your doctor first before considering it as many things have differing effects on different people). In my own case it seems to help in cutting down incidence as I'm cramp prone.

I think you are wise to approach the original surgeon, there are far to many unregulated 'cosmetic' surgeons nowadays.

I've reached the age where there are many "Xenas/Hercules's", for each the relationship does not end when they pass away and after a period that lets me delve into some of the stronger memories, which are good ones.

As for "You were the second person to talk to me after I joined." Well rightly or wrongly, unlike the rare and valuable "Tweety Bird", I've always had a weakness for puddy tats

"I tawt I taw a puddy tat!"- "I did! I did taw a puddy tat!"

Croix