In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Wilma1]

Simona, I hope you got some sleep last night. You have someone from MH contacting you today, I hope it goes well. Will you be able to visit your partner in hospital or is it too far away?

I'm going for a walk. Looks like another lovely day here in Tassie, hope it's like that where you are.

Take care Simona. Thinking of you. W

[Starwolf]

Hey Simona, no need for feeling sorry when you are struggling. Struggling is bad enough as it is ! And no, what is happening to you doesn't scare me though I am concerned for your well being and peace of mind.

I hope your mh clinician's visit will go well and help sort out some of your concerns.

​Is your partner going to be OK ? What about you ? No matter how much you love them, coping with extra kids on your own must be overwhelming at times...no wonder you feel like getting away !

Your wardrobe sounds like mine a few years ago...clothes everywhere. Growing up in France and being a regular op shop customer didn't help. I just loved playing dress-up. Every time I was after something specific (most days !) I couldn't find it. It was infuriating. Thankfully, I got a grip on the situation and learned to limit what came in...and stress at the same time. But I still love op shopping. I just don't do it a often as I used to. Working and going out with dogs demands a practical style and a lot more restraint. But if in the right mood, I still get a kick out of stirring the conservative, narrow-minded locals ! It doesn't take much...

Fingers crossed your day goes well.

[Simona]

Good Morning W & Star

I should have been a bit more clearer. My partner hasn't been admitted he just went into Emergency last night and was home within 2 hours. They injected him with more antibiotics and he has to go in for an ultrasound tomorrow.

My MH clinician rang this morning and I will be going in to see her and a Dr at 1.30 today. I couldn't fall asleep for ages last night and just cried and cried. Talked too much and partner who was trying to sleep told me to shut up and go to the spare room because my raving hurt his feelings. This made me talk even more because I was very offended. By then I was talking about separating and how he is my enemy and the only time he has a holiday is when I'm in the MHU. Yes I believe that.

Still manic . The house is spotless and my son's bedroom in particular has been given plenty of attention. I'm not really allowed to touch anything in there so I mostly vacuum around his stuff. He makes a lot of mess in there breaking stuff up and he has tools and metal objects, pieces of sheet metal. I found matches too which is a big worry. He's got this fascination with fire and burning things/making fuel based projectiles. He uses accelerants from the laundry because he's been busted so many times. Iv'e stopped buying Glen 20 because he was using it as an accelerant. He gets into the bleach/anything corrosive. Took some struggling to get him off to school because he was adamant he's through with school. He wasted all morning and didn't even drink or eat anything. Oh hang on, he had a sip of water with his medication and that was it. He didn't even go to toilet.

Sigh

[Simona]

I was crying last night because I don't handle my emotions very well. Also there was a trigger. Trigger being my mother talking about Sylvia Plath last night. I laid there crying and thinking if my mother wants me to do what Sylvia did. Was that the message in her story? Also another thing she said or rather the tone in which she said it was: 'You just stay away from the children at night you hear' and 'should you be having children around your house at all? Don't you hurt them'.

These things hurt my feelings and i wished not being around anymore. I thought to myself i wish i could just stop my heart. Just like that. And yes i did say some terribly bad things to my partner but that was after* he told me to please have my sedative and be quiet. I thought to myself that's just typical. I'm supposed to be medicated and quiet. I can sit here at my desk and drool a little and be QUIET.

Well nobody puts baby in the corner!

[Starwolf]

Your head may become muddled at times (it happens to all of us) but you have a big heart. I hope it keeps beating for a long time.

Your children have been kept safe all along so your mother's concerns probably come from a lack of understanding. Her comments sound misguided and yeah, a bit...harsh. As for your partner, he was obviously coming down with the staph infection and feeling out of sorts.

Coping with a child with ADHD is not easy, particularly when you have your own issues to deal with. Credit goes to you both.

Being sensitive is double edged, isn't it ? It has its own advantages but it also makes us more vulnerable to other people's thoughts and actions. We sometimes take things too much at heart and it hurts.

Love that Dirty Dancing movie, by the way. At least this thread is a space where you won't be put in a corner. Communication is slow, imperfect but heartfelt.

Good luck with your appointment.

[Simona]

I went to my appointment. The psychologist asked: 'Who are you'? I said I don't know. I was twisting and bending my fingers. It's the million dollar question i've been asked before

After some time in the room I left. Came home and got a phone call from psychologist who needed to get in touch with my partner urgently. So I got in touch with him at work and passed on the message.

They upped my antipsychotic so I'm supposed to have an extra in the mornings. My partner said if this doesn't work they are talking of re-admitting me.

[Wilma1]

Simona, I'm hopeing you are ok. So an extra antipsychotic, the other one worked well to start with, so maybe this will be a stabiliser. I really hope you don't have to be admitted to the mhu so, it's fingers crossed from me.

Looks like you and I have the cleanest home in Aus.... Have you settled any???

Maggie has a hoodie on at the moment. My heater isn't working and she gets cold. She does look cute. She will have to wear it throughout the night as she won't let me cover her up and feels the cold.

Hope you are ok Simona. Sending a cyber hug. W

[Simona]

brrrrr bummer about you heater not working. Oh I feel sorry for you and little Maggie! As much as I bet she looks adorable the nights are getting colder. Are you getting someone to look at it tomorrow?

Yeah I'm ok for now thanks. They had me talking about some pretty disturbing things today and I felt very grossed out after. Bought back really yucky feelings. My mother knows about the trauma but I kept it secret until I was 10. It was a stranger. He enticed me to follow him. He had lollies.

I had a nice hot shower and I ate a very healthy dinner with couscous & vegies. I'm drinking green tea now

I cooked the children scrambled eggs and they loved it : )

I don't think I will end up back in the mhu because I am functioning and not SH'ing. I just wish I didn't have to be medicated so much to live

I don't like how it's so dark now

Thank-you for the hug W : )

[Wilma1]

Sorry Simona that those yucky feelings are there, and the memories. Take care.

I asked about getting my heater fixed about 4 wks ago and nothing happened, so last week I asked again as its cold. Someone will come this week so that's good. Maggie does look very cute in her hoodie though.

Sounds like you had a good meal, shower, I don't like gree tea though, yuk!!!

I'm glad you won't be going to the mhu. I feel like a hippocrate saying this, but try to keep up the meds, they do seem to be working a little.

You have a lot on your plate, just one small step at a time. Believe me I'm saying that right out loud to myself.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. Thinking of you. W

[Simona]

Back from the psychologist. Picked up my extra antipsychotics. I'm supposed to start the day with one. They say I have dissociative identity disorder and Bpd with psychotic features. No schizo affective. Of course this doesn't change my mother's opinion - or my fathers. They have both written me off as schizophrenic. I did end up taking a sedative last night. I woke up at 3am but didn't walk around at least. I stayed in bed and fell back to sleep. Will see if this extra dose makes a difference. All day yesterday I had this one voice in my head 'Just messing with ya' and it started the same shi t today except I talked back and told him to &*%$# off