In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Wilma1]

Simona, how did the crawl go ?????

You did give me a laugh with your God conversation. You have a sharp mind.

The egg hunt can be on your thread if you like, just like the mud fight, everyone chipping in when they have something to say. I've never done a virtual egg hide either, probably no one ever has...

Sorry you feel blahhh..... I'm feeling a bit better, had a migraine for hours after town.

Dont feel like relaxing, might get up a walk outside again.

Hope you get a bit of sleep. W

[Simona]

Hullo W The crawl went great. He said 'what's wrong ?' I told him please help me I feel like a creature. He thought I was crawling to him. But I by passed him and kept crawling. Crawled into the kitchen. By then he knew I was in a mood so he asked me to bring back an apple pie for him. So I crawled back with the pie. He ate his cold pie then patted his knee. That's a sign to sit beside him and put my feet in his lap. He trimmed my toenails and rubbed my feet. I don't care much about my feet but he does and checks it every 2 weeks.

And I took my antipsychotic after 11pm but I still felt like a creature. I was awake for a long time twitching and thinking but I didn't want him touching me so I said not to touch me. I was thinking about the horror movie called The Ring in which a girl crawls out of the TV. That could be me with long hair I thought.

I woke up at 12pm today. Partner didn't want to wake me up. He said since I was so busy last night he'd let me sleep.

So today there is no long cross-country drive.

[Simona]

Not having a good night at all. I just want to be normal. I just want to cured of my mental illness So sad. I told my partner I wish I could be like him and he laughed. he said it's his job to look after me and our 11yr old son. Why can't I just be normal. I don't want to be like this anymore I want it to stop so bad. I don't want to be crazy. I want to study and work and be able to think and focus and make plans. I just want a normal life and maybe even have 1 friend. Tonight I feel like curling up and crying but I can't because it's my turn to sleep in the tent with my daughter and I don't want to ruin it for her

[Simona]

Little Miss 9 is lucky. She doesn't have the adhd like her brother. She's the sweetest little angel kissing me on my head and saying 'shhhh it's ok mum' she's wise beyond her years

[Guest_9809]

You are not alone in your wish to be normal Simona. I think we all wish that for ourselves. You do have friends though Simona, even if they are on-line. But being on-line friends, you can guarantee we are genuine, because we have a choice to be your friend or not. And we choose to be your friend. I only wish I could make things easier for you, but of course I cant. But I am here, I do care, and I respect who and what you are.

You plainly have a partner and children who love you very much, and I hope you can take comfort in that and remain strong for them. And for you. Its important.

Enjoy your night in the tent with Little Miss 9. I hope it isnt too uncomfortable for you. She does indeed sound like a little angel, and you deserve every bit of that.

Thinking of you there in the tent - cold and uncomfortable, but happy in the knowledge that you are there with your own little angel daughter.

Taurus xx

[Wilma1]

Morning Simona, I hope your night in the tent went well with Miss 9, your very own little angel. I do hope it's a lot warmer than it is here, it's freezing, but I'm not complaining, I'm also not in a tent.

Just like Taurus said, we are your friends. Simona I wonder if there is such a thing as ..normal...if there is I haven't come across it yet. But then....lol...You are unique..... Special...funny...caring..smart...talented....and I have only know you a short time..

Who knows, in the future you might be able to study, work, plan all the things you dream of. I enjoy your company. You make me smile and laugh. Thankyou.

I hope today is better. You might need a sleep, or did you get some in the tent.. What time are you hiding the Easter eggs....Taurus and I will be on line helping.... Looking forward to it. W

[Simona]

Just a quick note to say thank-you T & W for sticking by me. You are my friends and I'm very grateful for that. I will type some more when I get back. Partner is taking us to another town about 50 min away. It's a family day out kind of thing. He's really trying to cheer me up

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

I hope your day out will cheer you up. The way your family sticks together is remarkable. Many so-called normal people don't have that.

If you stick with taking your med, who knows what the long-term effects will be ? There are quite a few people out there with mental disorders who are part of the work force, though finding the right job may take time. I don't see why you couldn't eventually use your creative talents to participate in mainstream life.

As for being normal, I was never sure what it means. I may have experienced many aspects of mental illness (some severe) but can no longer say I am mentally ill. All test results for depression, stress, anxiety and other disorders are negative. Dissociated personalities have either been reintegrated or booted out. Does that make me normal ?

All who know me would say definitely not. I'm considered weird and don't fit in. The thing is, when I see what "normal" people get up to, how they live...I don't want to be like them. I can be functional and mingle in the"normal" world. I often do but prefer not to. I don't find rejection of anyone who doesn't fit the mold attractive. And that's happening a lot in "normal" society. One just has to look at the state of the world to realize that "normal" can be very sick indeed.

I have interacted around the forums for some time. I have found there more compassion and understanding than in the outside world. More resilience and courage against the odds.

Please keep in mind that your uniqueness, wit, talents, sensitivity, intelligence, honesty, caring nature are truly appreciated. I'd love to share a dirty chai and have a chat. But we must settle for online communication. Being able to do this is a blessing and a privilege.

Enjoy family time and the love that binds you together.

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) and certainly never forgetting you. I appreciate you so much also I just can't word my feelings very well. Of course you are all my friends : ) I would just maybe like 1 adult person I could catch up with in reality so I'm not alone in the café or art gallery. It would be be a very casual connection ideally. I wouldn't want to have this person just drop in on me like the Jehovas. It would have to be arranged and I'm a loner mostly so a once a week meeting at a designated spot would be sufficient I feel. If they had a mental illness it would be a plus but it's not mandatory.

Today I had a big day out in the sunshine so am tired. I must admit Miss 9 and I stayed up quite late scaring each other with horror stories. She made hers up like turning into a Werefox. I just told her facts like living in a haunted house, being stalked by a black panther which roared at me and swimming at the beach when I saw a fin and started yelling SHARK to everyone except no-one listened to my warning and the fin went back down again. I got the hell out of the water so fast. I swear all these people just ignored me and went in even deeper. Unbloody believable

So today I came home with an elegant paper bag with ribbon handles. In it were hair products. This is all a part of my self-care program.

1. Washing myself properly in the shower

2. Brushing my teeth and FLOSSING

3. No S/H . My body belongs to GOD. That also includes not making myself sick. I have to tell myself I DESERVE food/nourishment even when the voice says I'm a worm and should starve.

Ideally I should be taking my antipsychotic early like 7pm but it makes me very drowsy to the point I can't keep my eyes open. This is not acceptable. Maybe I will need more medication like a mood stabilizer but that's not up to me.

I have to go now

[Guest_9809]

Hi there Simona. Sounds like you had a nice family outing today in the lovely sunshine. Its a really beautiful day here today too.

Oh Simona, you sound like me! When it comes to visitors, I dont like them to be unexpected. Yes pre-arranged is acceptable. And I totally agree ... the JW's I find to be very intrusive of my space, and I give them short shift. I think I agree with you that to have someone who was near enough to be able to meet up with once a week or so, would be really nice. Someone to have a cuppa with in a Cafe, to visit an art gallery or museum, go for a walk with, or maybe even a quick cafe lunch on the odd occasion. I wonder are there any organisations in your area who have people who do that kind of thing on a voluntary basis? I do something similar on a voluntary basis where I visit an old lady in a Nursing Home just to give her a connection to the outside world. But its possible there are other groups who do something with other lonely people or people who would just like a bit of company occasionally. Maybe even someone through your church .. perhaps you could ask around?

Hey I love that you have come home with a pack of hair products, and also that you are getting serious about self care. All very important, so well done. And always remember - you DO deserve care, attention, love and nourishment. So I am proud of your progress in that regard Simona.

I am sorry that the antipsychotic meds still need some adjusting to fit your own needs and lifestyle. I guess everyone reacts differently. But at least there is likely to be flexibility about timing and perhaps other meds around it, which can help to make things more sufferable for you in the longer term.

Let Wilma and I know when the easter egg hiding is to take place. I have been thinking up all sorts of sneaky places to hide easter eggs.

Taurus xx