I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[white knight]

Hi Tim

Thats more than fine. I think its healthy to pose questions, possibilities etc After all only you know where you are at with your devotion levels.

Bare in mind we often have members here that stay devoted until their own mental health drops down to a serious level.

Tony WK

[tim55]

Hi Tony,

Yep it is healthy to pose questions and I think it is healthy to consider questions that challenge what I might be thinking.

I think I follow what you are saying about staying devoted until their own mental health deteriorates. I can see that happening to me, it will be an interesting internal conflict. I expect to have a real issue if we separate, I think it will challenge my sobriety. The initial hurt will be intense. I'm not looking forward to that happening. But it may be something I have to face, and if that is the case, I will face it and seek out help wherever I can find it.

Tim

[white knight]

Hi Tim,

I like your attitude. That may be a factor in your future success in all ways.

I have below a thread I'd like you to read, just my first introductory post. It might help.

Use google

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Tony WK

[geoff]

hi Tim, I agree that if your wife doesn't get any help then she won't be happy at all with or without a new man or taking you back.

My ex still complains about why do people have to drink so much alcohol, but it's their own choice and keep telling her I only drink socially and not to keep harping on about it, once that's said we can then talk.

It maybe a different story since we are divorced when you aren't, but for her to dwell on an addiction that you have stopped, she needs to move forward, because what happens if you down at the beach and you look at a girl, then she will blame you for having those thoughts, but there is nothing wrong when a girl looks at a man or vice-versa, isn't this only natural. Geoff.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, and hello Geoff and Tony,

I hope things have been going ok these past few days, Tim. Do you still see your counseller very often? Perhaps he could give you feedback regarding your mental health, and whether or not your relationship with your wife needs a few boundaries at the moment? I would think he could help you with managing that, perhaps starting with a few simple verbal boundaries with your wife? Sort of like what Geoff was suggesting, with directing the conversation towards constructive topics? Its really hard to do if this was not the dynamic between the two of you in your marriage, but it can be done with some help, I believe.

I have to say, I am a little disappointed by some of the posts on this thread from guys. Yes, there is a lot of male culture that normalises and even promotes mistreatment and objectification of women. The red pill is filtering into a lot of what I hear from guys these days, and I'm little disappointed to see it on a mental health forum too.

Blaming one's partner for your breaches in infidelity is something I strongly disagree with. And no, oggling the opposite sex is not normal or natural for an empathetic person, especially not one who fully recognises that the value of a human being, including their sexual worth, is almost nothing to do with their surface appearance. This is a truth most empathetic men know when they've truly loved a woman, and been loved back, for many years. Its something I feel Tim knows, which makes him a cut above the kind of culture that tries to drag him down.

[tim55]

Hi Tony WK,

Thanks for your positive words, it would be good to have some success. There has been some success in my life, but often I have not though of myself as successful. But that has been a comparison with others. The success in my life has been the quiet successes, many of which have been completely undone by what I was doing in secret. Its time to rebuild a great deal of my life.

I have looked up you post, I will read a little later.

Tim

[tim55]

Hi Geoff,

There is a great deal to be done though. I had a bit of a revelation at my 12 step meeting this week. Without going into all of the details about this step 12, the upshot of the discussion was that just being sober was far from enough. To be recovered means far more, surrendering, humility. I know I have not done that yet. I have not done any of the 12 steps, although I think I might have made some progress along that route, but that could just be arrogance.

As for looking at women, I thin you might only have things half right. It is natural for men to look at women, we are largely wired that way. A look yes, the trouble comes with longer looks or second looks and second thoughts. Those are not right. A wife (hopefully in the future my current wife) needs to know that a thought process like this might be going on when an attractive woman walks by. "Yes that is an attractive woman, but I love and cherish the woman beside me and would rather look at and be with her." We cannot help what we see, but we can help what happens next. \

Also, seeing when it is inevitable is one thing, like a poster of a bikini clad woman at the top of the escalator at our local shops. Looking for and studying and fantasising is very much another thing. Just not appropriate or right.

The discussion at the 12 step program included a suggestion of a brief prayer for that passing woman. The reasoning - Instead of taking something from her, as men do when they have an objectifying thought or more, the idea is to give something to them. They don't have to know, but the action of giving rather than taking is the important thing.

That the woman beside you knows that is likely to be your thought pattern is a complete bonus as well. But one that is more likely to build a relationship rather than destroy it as ogling would,

I am also in the middle of doing a church based program designed to help men deal with the highly sexualised world. One of the first concepts discussed is "bouncing the eyes" Again the concept that you will see things, but if you linger than the chemistry set of the male brain will kick into gear. Holding that look and thinking about that look is something called "visual drinking" by sexaholics.

Sorry Geoff, looking might be natural, for those looking for a partner. But not for those in a relationship and objectification is not either.

Sorry, I've been preaching a bit. This is now a subject that is very close to heart.

[Birdy77]

Hi Tim,

Just wanted to say i really liked your post.

Especially the part about giving something to the bikini clad woman rather than taking.

Thank you so much.

🌻birdy

[tim55]

Thanks birdy,

I can't take the credit, it belongs to somebody else. But I'm finding it a very good tool to use.

Nothing huge to do "Lord, please bless her day" and look away is helping me immensely.

Tim

[Birdy77]

Tim, I've never heard it before.

So thank you very much for sharing it.

I think it's beautiful.

🌻birdy